Thank you, please drive through…

| June 3, 2009 | 13 Comments

Through the use of delicate internet technology NOT pioneered by Algore, and in common use with all of the major VRWC cells in operation throughout the US, I’ve intercepted the following planning session held yesterday.  I offer it here for your perusal, unedited or redacted.

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Timestamp 02JUN2009 0900 EDT

 

[sounds of people moving around]  

“We’re about to start…[unintelligible]…bagels and coffee….yeah the creamer is non-dairy.  Tell Gibbs we’re starting.  Thanks.”

[sounds of a speakerphone dialing into a conference bridge]

[musical tones and a woman’s voice] “Teleconferencing by Audix. If you are the moderator, enter the seven digit code now, followed by the pound key.”

[key tones]

“Hello?”

[voice on speaker] “This is Cleveland, Ohio.  Who else is on the bridge?”

“This is DC…we have [sounds of paper shuffling].”

[voice on speaker] “We missed that.  Can you repeat please?”

[additional tones from speaker phone indicating more participants joining conference]

[random voices in background]

“If everyone could please put their phones on mute.  We’re about to get started.”

[sounds of various voices]

“Ok, it’s after nine here, so let’s get going.  If I could get a roll call, please…state who you’re representing in addition to your name so we can get that recorded, thanks.”

[voice on speaker] “This is Cindy in Chcaaago.”

“Group Cindy?”

[voice on speaker] “I’m representing ACORN.”

[sounds of various voices]

“If you could, please put your phones on mute unless you’re asking or answering a question.  Thanks.  Ok, next?”

[voice on speaker] “This is Dre in Atlanta.  I’m wit the SPLC.”

“Morning, Dre.”

[voice on speaker] “This is Maria Conchita Alonzo-Schultz in Phoenix for the SEIU.”

“Hola, Maria.”

[sounds of various voices]

[voice on speaker]  “Was that a joke?”

“No!  Sorry, I spent two Summers in Juarez helping indigent goat farmers dig tunnels to store their grain during the rainy season…just trying to dust off the Spanish.  Please accept my apology, I didn’t mean to offend.”

[voice on speaker]  “Apology accepted, pendejo.”

“Yeah, ok…let’s move on”.

[voice on speaker]  “Yes?”

“Excuse me?”

[voice on speaker]  “Did you call on me?”

“I don’t understand the question…”

[voice on speaker]  “Did you call on MoveOn?”

“Oh!  No, sorry, I was saying we need to move the meeting along…who is this?”

[voice on speaker]  “Sebastian in San Francisco…MoveOn.org…duh.”

“Morning Sebastian.”

[voice on speaker]  “Whatever.  Do you know how early it is here?”

“Uh, yeah, ok…who else in on?”

[voice on speaker]  “This is Saffron with PETA in New York.”

“Morning Saffron.”

[voice on speaker]  “I hope those bagels you’re eating weren’t made with any animal products.”

“I’m pretty sure they’re not…I can have someone check if you like.”

[voice on speaker]  “Yes please.”

[sounds of various voices]

“Once again, if you could, please put your phones on mute unless you’re asking or answering a question.  Who did we miss on roll call?”

[voice on speaker]  “Ricki in Cleveland for GLAAD.”

[voice on speaker]  “Mike in New York for the Urban League.”

[voice on speaker]  “This is Trebant in Portland representing Greenpeace.”

“Ok…anyone else?”

[random voices in background]

“We have anyone from the auto industry on the call?”

[voice on speaker]  “This is Vinnie.”

“Morning Vinnie…who are you with?”

[voice on speaker]  “Interested parties.”

“Um.  Ok, can you elaborate?  I need this for the President’s briefing later this morning.”

[voice on speaker]  “Let’s just say I’m in a brotherhood and leave it at that, capisce?”

“Yeah, alright…moving on…”

[voice on speaker]  “Yes?”

“Sorry Sebastian, I need to choose my words better.  We need to get this meeting going.  If you check the agenda we emailed out, [sounds of shuffling paper]

our first topic is design concerns.  I’d like to get feed back from everyone on what the newly created GM will be focusing on for its products.  Who’d like to begin?”

[voice on speaker]  “Did you check on those bagels?”

“Saffron?  Uh, yeah I have an intern running down the block to check…do you have anything worthwhile to add to the agenda item?”

[voice on speaker]  “I’d say that stealing an animal’s sole possession in order to stuff your fat face is pretty worthwhile.”

“I totally agree and respect your opinion, but can we stay focused please?”

[voice on speaker]  “Well, PETA does have a few design ideas for future GM cars.”

“Excellent…I’m ready to write them down.”

[sounds of shuffling paper]

[voice on speaker]  “First, we want the driver’s side window locked so it can’t be rolled down.”

“Um…ok, why?”

[voice on speaker]  “We call it the Portal Of Death.  It’s where 90% of charred animal flesh is peddled to car owners.”

“Ah.  ‘Portal…of…death’.  What else?”

[voice on speaker]  “Materials on the front of the vehicle need to be softer as to avoid the murder of defenseless creatures that’ve had their environment invaded by two-legged terrorists.”

“Ok. Go on…”

[voice on speaker]  “I just have to axe one question…”

“Dre in Atlanta?”

[voice on speaker]  “Yeah, why did the white girl gets to go first?”

[sounds of various voices]

“Well, there was no particular order here…it was mostly who responded first, but we can go ahead and cut to you, Dre if you like.”

[voice on speaker]  “Well, I don’t know much about what that animal girl was saying, but in the hood, we need the windows to roll down. That’s all I got to say about that.  Nextly, we at SPLC want to know, how is GM going to deal with reparationism in the minority communities, per se.  Know what I’m sayin’?”

“Well, I think that we’re still working on corporate mission statements and so forth for the new company, is that what you’re asking about, Dre?”

[voice on speaker]  “No, man.  What I’m axing is about green.  How much can the communities lean on GM for financialistic support.”

[voice on speaker]  “The Urban League wants a piece of that.”

[voice on speaker]  “This is Cindy and ACORN is way interested in that too.”

[numerous voices talking over each other]

“Wait, please!  One at a time!  Look… this meeting is about design concerns and making GM more appealing to its customers as we progress into the future.  What you’re all discussing are goals for the company, as directed by the Administration, to provide a more friendly and responsible corporate, but that’s not what we’re doing in this meeting, ok?  Ok.  Dre, you have anything else?”

[voice on speaker]  “Uh, if you fu*k with the Escalade, people are going to get hurt…that’s all I’m sayin’, dawg.”

“Right.  Ok…did PETA have anything else to add to its previous requirements…and no the bagel guy isn’t back yet.”

[voice on speaker] “I have nothing else to say…dawg.” 

“Great.  Who else wants to add to the list?”

[voice on speaker]  “MoveOn wants AM radio eliminated from all GM vehicles.”

“Ok…Sebastian.  Why?”

[voice on speaker]  “Propaganda radio cannot be tolerated so until we can take out the Nazis who are on the radio, we’ll settle for no radios.”

“Well, what about sports radio?  That’s not propaganda…”

[voice on speaker]  “Please.  You’re not buying into that corporate bullshit line are you?  Besides, organized sports perpetrates a dominant male stereotype that has already dragged this nation through 15 or 20 different wars in the past decade.  The last thing we need is more macho bullsh*t sports programs.”

“But it’s just baseball…”

[voice on speaker]  “Exploitation of athletes, proliferation of ‘us vs them’ mentalities, the demeaning mascots that insult aboriginal natives…are you sure you’re the right person to be chairing this meeting?  Who are you really working for?  What’s your name again?”

[sounds of various voices]

“Mute please!  Look, Sebastian, I’m not saying AM talk radio isn’t a problem, what I’m saying is that by nuking the installation of AM radios, you’re hurting more than just the Rush Limbaughs of the world.”

[voice on speaker]  “Sacrifices have to be made for the greater good!  Oh…forget it…dammit!  My housekeeper is telling me that my shih tzu is out again!  I have to go!  Consuelo!  Get the damn leash you stupid bitch…”

 [disconnect tone]

 “Well, that was interesting…who wants a crack at this now?”

 [voice on speaker]  “GLADD wants more Jeep Wranglers.”

 “That’s a Chrysler product, Ricki. This is GM.”

 [voice on speaker]  “Whatever…the family wants more Jeeps.  So I ask for more Jeeps.   It’s not like we’re asking for rechargeable dildos or the Village People carved on Mt. Rushmore.”

 “Uh, yeah, see the Chrysler thing…that’s another conference call.”

 [voice on speaker]  “Stupid breeder. What a homo…”

[sound of disconnect tone]

 “Anyone else want to help with this…effort?”

 [voice on speaker]  “Greenpeace supports PETA’s ideas and would go a step further and have the President outlaw all cars.”

 [silence]

 “Trebant, uh…we just spent over $40b trying to save this company…I don’t think the President will be too keen on…”

 [voice on speaker]  “Then you leave Greenpeace no choice.  We’re starting the summoning rituals at noon today.”

 “What?”

 [voice on speaker]  “We’re summoning Nemetona from her centuries old slumber.   During the third reconciliation of the last of the McKetrick supplicants, they chose a new form for her: that of a giant Slor! Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!”

 “Dude, you totally ripped that off from Ghostbusters.”

 [voice on speaker]  “Did not.”

 “I watched that sh*t the other night!  You completely stole that!”

 [voice on speaker]  “That tricked out Caddy was whack, yo.  That was before old Sigonorrhea Weavers got all ugly and sh*t.   And Ray Parker Junior, back in the day, man…back in the day.”

 “Dre!  It’s ‘Sigourney’, not Sigonorrhea, you stupid ass!”

 [voice on speaker]  “Yo, man…why you be hatin’ on a brotha?”

 [sounds of various voices]

 “PUT YOUR FU*KING PHONES ON MUTE!”

 [silence]

 “Do any of you colossal retards have ANYTHING worth wasting more time recording?  Anyone?”

 [voice on speaker]  “Yeah.  This is Vinnie.”

 “Yes…Vinnie…by all means…”

 [voice on speaker]  “Take care of the unions.”

 “What?”

 [voice on speaker]  “I said, take care of the unions.”

 “That’s it?”

 [voice on speaker laughing] “Well, if you don’t, things will be very bad.”

 [dead silence]

 “Fair enough…I think this meeting is done…I’ll inform the President.”

 [phone disconnected]

 

ENDTRANSMISSION

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Category: Liberals suck, Pointless blather

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Comments (13)

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  1. Sporkmaster says:

    Great stuff, worth the read and laugh.

  2. olga says:

    and cry, too, Spork, because this is exactly what is going on…

  3. md says:

    a straight-up gut buster.

  4. UpNorth says:

    Who doesn’t believe that’s exactly what happens every a.m.? LMAO, but Olga’s right, it’s a laugher, but it’s sad, too.

  5. Old Tanker says:

    Classic line….

    Stupid breeder, what a homo…..

    nearly ruined the keyboard…..

  6. AW1 Tim says:

    Jesus wept, but that was funny. And, sadly, sounded all so true…

    Sigh…….

  7. Claymore says:

    “Portal Of Death”…heh…I crack myself up sometimes. Oh, and “Dre” is based on a real live person I used to work with…an executive manager with language skills that could turn the most tedious meeting into a skit worthy of its own show on Comedy Channel. For example…you’ll be happy to know that in case someone calls the office with a ‘bum’ threat, we need to be aware that it might be a ‘ho-axe’. I figured that between the bums and ho’s, the office ‘Crimmus’ party was gonna be off the chain, yo.

  8. Veeshir says:

    And people say we’re not in the funniest end of civilization ever.

  9. j3 says:

    Claymore IS the master! I think that we are blessed to have another PJ O’Rourke in our midst here…

    BTW – let no one say I never contribute something positive…

    Today’s Al Gore Green Living Tip:
    You can make your kids a sandbox to play in at no cost by recycling your neighbor’s old cat litter! Just be sure to remove large solids when first filling!

  10. The Sniper says:

    Claymore sir, I tip my hat to you.

    “PUT YOUR FU*KING PHONES ON MUTE!”

    Genius… pure genius.

  11. Claymore, you never disappoint. Ever. I’m laughing my arse off as I write this. I’m nearly snorting!

  12. Brilliant…simply brilliant.

    Are you SURE that it was only satire? I ask because I could seriously envision that conference call taking place today.

  13. FreeBirdNavyBrat says:

    Wow! Thank you, Claymore. I’m emailing a link to everyone I know.

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