First Round – Special Operations Regional

| September 29, 2011 | 30 Comments

BALLOT CLOSED, PROCEED TO VOTING ON THE NCO REGIONAL.

Today Featuring: A Chippendales SEAL, the Youngest SF Sniper Eveh, a SEAL on Jelly Roll Patrol, Guitar Strumming Dillweed, Johnny Kill Shot, the Real Liam Neeson, The Anonymous Awesomest SEAL, and a Samoan whose Medals and badges be Growin’.

But first, to yesterday’s results:

Today’s Fare…

Game 1: Chippendale SEAL v. Youngest SF Sniper Eveh!

(1) Chippendale SEAL – Joseph Cryer

Claims:
Cryer (Seally McChippendale) was recruited from a video arcade and sent straight to BUD/S without the burden of boot camp. So there’s a lesson for all of you youngsters out there – spend more time in video arcades and the SEALs may pick you out of the thousands of other glassy-eyed teens and send you straight to highly technical and physically demanding training based on nothing more than your Donkey Kong score.

Apparently, he was in the Gulf of Sidra in 1986 aboard the USS Caron during a time that the Caron had no SEALs onboard, according to witnesses. Then he secretly (how else) deployed into Libya and killed 77 Libyans in 102 sleepless hours. I know, how can you sleep when there are so many Libyans to kill and such little time. But those bloody hours gave him PTSD for which he gets 100% disability rating from the DVA.

Truth:
Military records show Cryer did serve as a seaman on the USS Caron while it supported the bombing of Libya, but the destroyer did not fire any weapons. Despite his obvious heroism, Seally McChippendale got out as an E3.

VS

(8) Youngest SF Sniper Eveh! – Michael Chabot


Claims:
From the Ft Morgan Times:
When Fort Morgan resident Michael Chabot enlisted in the United States Army, he had only one goal on his mind. To become a special forces sniper. To live a life of being “always outnumbered, never outgunned.”

On Nov. 24 of this year in Fort Benning, Ga., Chabot realized that goal by becoming the lowest ranking — his rank is currently classified — and the youngest graduate of the Army’s Green Beret Special Forces sniper training since the school was founded during the Vietnam War. Of the 8,000 people in his pool who applied to attend the Green Beret school, Chabot was one of two selected to attend.

At 22 years old, Chabot completed the five-week grueling training that included “engaging” targets, camouflage, physical training and starvation that most men 10 years his superior, and with years more military experience, failed or “washed” out of just days after starting.

Truth:
Chabot, a PFC, has some splaining to do…
Fort Morgan resident and Army soldier Michael Chabot has retracted his statements to “take back information” regarding a Dec. 6 article “‘Always outnumbered, never outgunned’ M. Chabot: Green Beret Sniper” printed in The Times. Chabot, who contacted the Times this morning from his post in Fort Carson along with two superior officers, retracted his statements for “command and safety purposes.”

Chabot further stated that he was “under UCMJ for falsifying qualifications.”

GAME 2: Jelly Roll Patrol SEAL v. Guitar Strumming Dillweed

(4) Jelly Roll Patrol SEAL – Salhem Dreasden/Dan McGrew

Claims:
Salhem Dreasden was among those in uniform Tuesday at a tribute to soldiers at Ladera School. The school was honored at the event for outstanding patriotism and support of the armed forces. Dreasden was wearing a Navy uniform that bore his last name, the words “SEAL TEAM,” the trident pin insignia of the elite unit and twin bars indicating the rank of Navy lieutenant.

He also tells folks in the muscle car community about his SEAL experiences. On his Myspace page he had this:
U.S. Navy
Coranado, California US
Lt. Jr grade
Corpseman [Ed note: Corpsemen, did you really say Corpseman?]

Truth:
Well, we know for damn sure he’s no SEAL, unless it’s the kind that balances a ball on their nose while blowing a horn, because there is no Dreasden that graduated BUDs. Sometimes goes by the handle of “Neoduckie.” The Navy has said he is not one of theirs at all.

So, the Truth is out there and likely running for its life from a hungry Dreasden.

VS

(5) Guitar Strumming Dillweed – Billy W. Adamson

Claims:
Billy W. Adamson joined the Army during the Vietnam War, became an infantryman, airborne then a Ranger and made Sergeant all before he was 18. Then the Army shipped his studly ass straight to Vietnam on his 18th birthday, February 20, 1969 and he didn’t leave until November 5, 1973 – that’s one long-ass tour, brother. He said he was assigned to the 5th SFG and attached to 173rd. He goes on about how he was strumming his guitar one night and some sergeant major drafted him into MACV because I guess they were understrength guitar players.

Anyway, at some point the SMG gets shot, and Adamson is pulling him to safety when he gets shot in the groin, and then held as a POW in Laos for three months. Somehow he escapes, but the Army puts him out on a dishonorable discharge when he won’t reenlist.

Truth:
Of course, not much of his story jibes with his records. He was a sergeant, but unless Special Forces had artillerymen in those days, I don’t think they had a slot for him. And there’s no mention of his Ranger School or Airborne School, or Camp Mackall. He did go to Vietnam for a year from Nov ’67- Nov ’68, but he was with an arty unit in the 9th Division and returned to serve at Fort Sill until his discharge in ’69. No assignment to MACV, though.

If he was held prisoner, it was by the sweet, sweet music playing out in his head while he was strumming his 6 string, on his front porch swing, smell that bullshit story, it’s starting to spoil.

GAME 3: Johnny Kill Shot v. the Real Liam Neeson

(3) Johnny Kill Shot – Jeff The Rock Harris

Claims:
From a now flushed Kinston Free Press article:

Jeff “Rock” Harris refuses to display his medals and honors in his Kinston home.
He tries to keep the awards – three Purple Hearts, two Silver Stars, a Bronze Star, 23 Army Commendation Medals, 31 Army Achievement Medals, six Overseas Service ribbons for combat, an award from the emperor of Saudi Arabia, along with several dozen others, he acquired during his time as a U.S. Army Ranger – packed away. However, those around him refuse to let him forget how important his time in the military was.

Harris, a sniper with the Rangers (with 316 confirmed kills), came close to being one of the casualties of Mogadishu.
Harris found out about the movie when Ridley Scott, co-producer and director, and his production company started hounding him for his account of the bloody day. But he refused to contribute.
“It’s not that I didn’t want to talk about it (but) it’s a sore spot for a lot of us,” Harris said. “It’s not just because we were losing people and the whole horror of it – that was the third time I went to combat, so it wasn’t a surprise for me. It was just the way it happened, what went down. … A lot of guys got out (of the Army) after that who otherwise wouldn’t have.”

Truth:
He has to keep his medals locked in a connex marked PX because he has so damn many of them. Right next to it is parked a monster truck that carries around his testicles.

Or not… He was in the Guard and Reserves, and has about 75 fewer medals than he claimed.

I am a man who made a stupid mistake. I cannot apologize enough for the disgrace I have caused. The story is not true. And I have no excuse to offer, there isn’t one good enough. I understand everyone’s anger at me and it is deserved. I want to apologize to all the men and women who have served and still serve, a foolish and unnecessary decision made out of selfishness. I can only offer this apology and take my consequences as the come, I will. I apologize to my Wife and my employer. Let me suffer the punishment, not them. Again, sorry is not enough to decsribe how I feel. I am not sorry for getting caught, it was time for it to end, just sorry for the pain an disgrace I have caused so many others and to my on service. I apologize to the City of kinston and the Free Press, they were deceived and are not at fault, let this city recover and the good people here live in peace. God forgive me and I am truly sorry. for this.
Jeff Harris”

Let’s not overlook that he got an award from the Emperor of Saudi Arabia. I mean, it’s not in his 2-1 file, but who would lie about such a thing? I once spent an incredible evening with the Princess of Svalbard, who awarded me a Duchy and inducted me into the Order of the Holy Shi’ites Batman Brigade.

VS

(6) The Real Liam Neeson – Colonel Bill Hillar


Claim:
Hillar is a retired Special Forces Colonel cum college professor with combat stints in Asia, the Middle East and South America. His most famous exploit thought was outside the military, where he told a wild tale of international intrigue in his popular one-credit workshops, claiming that his own 17-year old daughter was kidnapped by traffickers in Southeast Asia, and was killed by them. He has said that he personally tracked her abductors, and claimed that the 2008 Liam Neeson film, Taken, is based on his exploits. Hillar also has a PhD from Oregon.

From 1998 to 2010, Hillar earned more than $171,400 giving speeches and offering training to law enforcement officers, graduate students and others in counter-terrorism, human trafficking and drug trafficking, authorities said.

Truth:
Convicted back in March, per WaPo:

A Maryland man who lied about his military experience to land speaking and training jobs pleaded guilty Tuesday in federal court in an agreement that will require him to pay $171,415 in restitution and serve at least 500 hours of community service at the state’s veterans’ cemeteries.. “William G. Hillar lived a lie and based his teaching career on military experience he did not have and credentials that he did not earn,” U.S. Attorney Rod J. Rosenstein said in a statement. “He was never a colonel, never served in the U.S. Army or the Special Forces, never was deployed to exotic locales and never received training in counter-terrorism and psychological warfare while in the armed forces.”

I’m pretty sure if Hillar’s life was made into a Liam Neeson movie it would be Darkman, not Taken, which (thought I have never seen it) IMDB tells me is about

A hideously scarred and mentally unstable scientist seeks revenge against the crooks who made him like that.

Add in a scene of gratuitous buggery in a federal pound-you-in-the-ass-prison and I’d say we have a winner.

The Anonymous Awesomest SEAL v. This Samoan’s Medals and badges be Growin’

(2) Anonymous Awesomest SEAL – “Carl Doe”


Claim:
Former commander of SEAL Team 6, Carl served 31 Years as a Navy SEAL. Tragically his career was brought to an end last year by an IED hidden in a coke can which killed 2 and wounded 6 others. After going to Marine basic at 17 years of age, (the recruiters picked him up at midnight) he attended Demo school, before going home on leave and killing his cousin. Thanks to the cousin being an asshole, apparently law enforcement gave Carl an “Ole! And on with your bad self” back to the Marine Corps.

From the article about him…

Next on his career path was BUDS (basic underwater demolition school), where, after 366 days of training, he graduated at the top of his class, in late 1979. His mother and grandmother constantly said he was evil, Carl recalled. “My response was that if I’m evil I’m gonna be the meanest SOB there is. I wouldn’t settle for second place,” he said. When he heeded the call of Navy Commander Richard Marcinko, founder of SEAL Team 6, to join that unit, Carl was sent to Treasure Island Naval Base in San Francisco Bay. There, in quick order, he mastered languages including Farsi, Arabic, Russian and Polish.

Carl served nearly eight years in Iraq and Afghanistan, he said.

Carl, who at the time was commanding Team 6, was in the turret of a Humvee (high mobility multipurpose wheeled vehicle) when he spotted a Coca-Cola can in the road. “We were supposed to go to port (left),” to avoid it, he said. “I thought the driver heard me.” Apparently he didn’t, because the Humvee continued straight. Though it narrowly missed the IED, it nonetheless detonated, killing two crewmen and seriously injuring Carl.

Truth:
We’ll never know, because the paper took the story down, and never gave us his real name. The retraction states that:

A man profiled in last week’s edition of the Crestline Courier-News as a 31-year veteran of U.S. Navy SEAL Team 6 is apparently not who he claimed to be, a subsequent investigation has determined. Numerous phone calls, e-mails and blogs on the newspaper’s website challenged the tale told by a man identified in the story as Carl, who claimed to have been until 2010 the commanding officer of the elite SEAL team credited with killing Osama bin Laden last May.
A Freedom of Information request to ascertain whether Carl was ever trained as a Navy SEAL was submitted this week. However, Eric Erdmann, Freedom of Information coordinator at the Navy’s base in Coronado, California, said confirmation could not be provided by press time.

The picture above is not Carl. It is the baby Seal I clubbed to death a few years ago on a first date with a dirty hippie chick. Later I blew up her entire village with an IED coke can so she couldn’t identify me to the PETA assassins which nonetheless are in ghillie suits outside my window right now.

VS

(7) This Somoan’s Medals and Badges be Growin’ – SGM John Letuli

Claims:

A SGM with the North Carolina National Guard (the sweetest smelling of the Guards), Letuli is a former Green Beret combat veteran with a purple heart, Soldier’s Medal Recipient and HALO school graduate. He’s also Samoan, which has nothing to do with this at all, but I haven’t eaten any breakfast and I have a serious desire for those delectible Caramel de-Lites that the Girl Scouts foist on us under the name of that Island. Also, Letuli’s dirtbaggery is summed up fairly quickly.

Truth:

Yeah, not so much. Military Times reports that:

A senior noncommissioned officer with the North Carolina National Guard will be leaving the service a stripe lighter as a result of a Guard and Army investigation into his wearing unauthorized unit patches, tabs, decorations and badges.

Now, where the hell are my damn cookies?

 

OK, so now you know, and the more you know, the more you grow, except me, because I still haven’t had breakfast. Also, a curse on the Red Sox and the vile and perfidious New York Yankees.

Also, you should vote:

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Comments (33)

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  1. 2-17AirCav says:

    Those Vegas fellows really know their stuff. Matthis (Baskin Robbins Ranger) Chiroux, a misplaced 6th seed but pegged at even money by House of Cards (Vegas), never broke a sweat as he moon danced to an unenviable victory. My local bookie, Fast Fingers Freddie, speculates that Chiroux’s margin of victory could only have been greater if he had torched Old Glory from Mount Suribachi itself!

    The match between PhotoShop Fusilier John Kerwin Williams (6-1) and Albino Midget Hall was closer than expected by the money boys when late action rolled in on Hall. PhotoShop’s early lead was too much for the Albino Midget, however, and Williams limped to the wire, gasping all the way.

    The 2nd seeding of Ray (Shitbird Educator) Shepansky proved to be wildly optimistic as 7th seeded Deputy Chief Lake of the Skid Mark Clan re-enacted the Battle of the Little Bighorn on Shitpantski’s pre-scalped pate. Word is that he is seeking another MOH for that action and that a desperate Obama may endorse it.

  2. Joseph Brown says:

    In my paper today an old guy-not local- is writing his own obituary claiming to have been awarded the puple heart in WW2 and wants it displayed on his coffin. The problem is the old guy was in the Merchant Marines in the Great lakes ONLY.
    Story is, he has always sort of (cough) embellished his life.

  3. Joseph Brown says:

    Sorry, that should have been spelled purple.

  4. TSO says:

    Joseph, what is this guy’s name? Next year’s brackets need to be made…

  5. RAK187 says:

    Air cav 2-17, you are one funny dude. I just spewed a rip it all over my government computer. S-6 is gonna be pissed

  6. Professor Shepansky says:

    The laces were in! THEY WERE IN!!!

  7. Bobo says:

    Today’s voting is based on the characteristics of the offense.

  8. 2-17AirCav says:

    The nomination summaries on these misfits are absolute gems. My personal favorite:

    “The picture above is not Carl. It is the baby Seal I clubbed to death a few years ago on a first date with a dirty hippie chick. Later I blew up her entire village with an IED coke can so she couldn’t identify me to the PETA assassins which nonetheless are in ghillie suits outside my window right now.”

    The Vegas line on the day’s voting has Sealey McChippendale at an astounding 1-9. Notwithstanding that prohibitive favorite, not much action is expected. Could be the lowest vote totals of the week.

  9. teddy996 says:

    I knew that Williams/Hall bout would be close. Overlooked Lake’s offensive ability though.

  10. teddy996 says:

    Those center brackets are damn tough calls. Had to pick the Samoan over Carl for the bottom. Chippendale coasts to an easy win.

  11. 2-17AirCav says:

    Okay, Teddy, let’s have it. I respect your handicapping abilities but, aside from the Chipster, I am stumped. Make a case.

  12. NHSparky says:

    Sealy McChippendale versus Chabot is like Duke versus North Carolina School for the Blind and Insane. Just ain’t fun to watch after the tipoff.

    I’d make a Patriots versus Giants upset comment, but I think TSO is already on suicide watch after last night.

  13. Jeff Kinon says:

    These guys are jerks.
    This really bugs me.
    I work with a guy that wears dog tags. I asked him about them. He said they’re “not real”.
    It really bothers me that he wears them.
    I worked with a woman that wore her best friends dog tag, to me that’s fine. But this other guy? Sorry, he appears to be a poser.

  14. Michael Vance says:

    I suppose it is only right to laugh at and belittle these buffons since the brilliant Supreme Court of the United States has deemed their acts of idiocy expressions of free speech

  15. Bob Hayes says:

    So Letuli was actually a CSM and then gets himself busted for wearing all kinds of unauthorized badges and awards?!?! What a dipshit. Most of the other 31 douchebags are clearly nutjobs who haven’t done anything worth mentioning with their lives, so their self-promotion is at least a little bit understandable. But that guy actually had a halfway decent career in real life. Wow, some people’s kids.

  16. Anonymous says:

    Why do these folks always take liking to the SF?

  17. UpNorth says:

    Anon, maybe because the posters here gave them a huge ration of shit for always having a 1st Cav patch? Maybe it’s the changing of the seasons, 1st Cav in spring, SF in the fall?

  18. El Marco says:

    Wow, that was fun! I wanna be the awesomest ever underwater special forces mechanic trainer in the world! Can I be in SAS and the Foreign Legion too?

  19. El Rey says:

    Congrats on the successful curse of the damn Yankees and the Sawks. Please withhold any and all curses from my beloved Texas Rangers!

  20. teddy996 says:

    @12- Well Cav, the anonymous “Carl” is indeed a douche. Perhaps one of the biggest we’ve ever seen. However, I beleive Letuli has an edge. He was a real guardsman, who faked his shit while still in the service and still interacting daily with the very same people that could (and did) call him out on his bullshit. It’s like if Chip had gone straight to berthing after getting off watch, and claimed those Libyan kills while the destroyer was still sitting off the coast. That, my friend, shows grit. Letuli went up the gut and just started wearing his shit to work and telling stories to the people who knew he was full of shit from the jump. That’s douchebagging in it’s purest form, and on a level that anonymous newspaper articles can’t hope to ever achieve.

    Dreasden vs. Guitar was tough. Dreasden showed moxy at that ceremony, but Gee-tar claimed POW status. I chose Dreasden, partially because the looks on the other servicemember’s faces in that uncovered pic is awesome, and partly because of the volume of people showing up on the site claiming he has fucked them over. It has a home team effect for me, but the POW claim might weigh more to others. Tough call.

    Took Hillar over Killshot, because Hillar built a lucrative career off of his bullshit. Killshot’s confirmed kills are nice, but no one based a movie off of it.

  21. arioch1066 says:

    23 ARCOMs and 31 AAM’s? Damn. There’s whole units that don’t boast that many combined. We are talking epic badassery here!

  22. Doc Bailey says:

    Just asking one more time what exactly is the “winner” getting?

  23. TSO says:

    Doc- TBD, maybe a lifetime supply of Summer’s Eve?

  24. Richard Sifford says:

    These JACKASSES are a disgrace and sould be stripped of all rank and military records along with their clothes. Some of these guys will still have some of their benefits that should be forfieted.

  25. nmcb 40 says:

    I had to go with Dreasden, because in the Navy, unlike the other branches, you do not salute when uncovered. Plus in bootcamp anyone doing that bad of a salute would of stood watch holding up a 20 lb weight, in the proper position, for hours.

  26. bobblehead says:

    They are all Heroes in their own minds & I hope jelly roll meets a Real Trident sailor – for the ____ will hit the fan.

  27. NHSparky says:

    bobblehead–I still vote for letting him do a lockout/swimout from test depth…without gear.

  28. 2-17AirCav says:

    bobblehead: I love quizzes but you omitted the answer choices. I hope this helps:

    a) Shite

    b) Sheet

    c) Shit

  29. Scotty says:

    Im rootin for the douche with in the 2nd ACR patch crest and 10th gp flash

  30. Liam Neeson wannabe…he smoked some serious doobage coming up with that story, basing it ona “movie” and then trying to pawn that shit off to gain speaking engagements for $$$$. He earned a buttload of cash..so he should be the “King Rat” of these shamefull opportunists.

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