Remember, it isn’t enough to just out these phonies, we need to also look after our brothers and sisters. All this week our brackets will be running in honor of Soldiers’ Angels Valour IT. I’ve been there when we’ve given soldiers with horrible burns on their hands the ability again to use a computer for basic things like emailing their mom. It’s amazing, and heartwrenching. So, match me by tossing $10 at them. It’s not much, and it honors our brothers and sisters, even as we try to dishonor those who would try to steal from us. You can give by CLICKING HERE.
1 Dallas “Flying Assclown” Wittgenfeld v.
16 Joseph “Who wouldn’t go AWOL from Jersey” Coyle
WITTGENFELD: He’s a bona-fide true action war hero of Vietnam, and if you doubt it, just ask him about any subject including the current price for oolong tea in Tibet and I guarantee the answer includes how he was a LRRP in Vietnam. But, as with all great and true trail assassins, Wittgenfeld got south on an international cabal of reporters and valor vultures who ripped through the time/space continuum and went back in time to add that he was a green beret and Bronze Star with “V’ Device recipient to 8 of his media interviews. Also, they somehow force him to wear the green beret, to threaten Ms Mary from POWNet, and to use racial slurs while threatening people. But no, really, he’s a delightful man who would never steal valor and misread the Constitution.
COYLE: I ask again, who among us hasn’t on occasion gone AWOL from New Jersey? It is New Jersey folks. CIB and Purple Heart: Jersey. The goofy look and oversized name tag though, that has to be from the Magic Kingdom. (Or Kingdumb in his case.) The Ranger Tab he got from a trip over to watch Temple play baskbetball in Philly, and having been there as well, he earned that one. (“Turn left at the second burning car.”)
8 Gary “The man loves a parade” Spors v.
9 Thomas “Rolling Thunder Jackass” Lowry
SPORS: Yes, he looks like the marching hammers in Pink Floyd’s The Wall, but that’s because I don’t have a picture, and this dude loves a parade. “Gary Spors, 28, was hit with the misdemeanor charge of wearing unauthorized medals after he appeared in the 2010 Maple Leaf parade in a uniform with a major’s insignia as well as combat infantry and parachutist badges.” Ironically, I plan to march in the Afghanistan Parade as a 2010 Toronto Maple Leaf. (Robin Scherbotski will be my second wife.)
LOWRY: Dude was apparently trying to get some trim at Rolling Thunder. “He claimed his name was Thomas Lowry, served with weapons Co. 3rd Battalion 5th Marines. Claimed he was awarded the Navy Cross along with Lt. Brian Chontosh in Iraq. A quick check of the list of recent Navy Cross award recipients shows no Thomas Lowry and there is no mention of him in Lt. Chontosh’s citation.” All I could think of was the famous words of Artiste Peter Griffin “Your head…..I must draw you.”
5 Jonathan “The Cock Inhaler” Sharkey v.
12 Bob “Bolivian Field Mouse” Duft
SHARKEY: What remains to be said about the great Jonathan Sharkey? Kid is a five-tool player. A descendant of Prince Vlad Tepes aka The Impaler, Sharkey likes to (what else?) impale things, which from the looks of him includes thrice fried Twinkee/Corndog hybrids. When not threatening TAH, Mary from POW Net or President Bush, he likes to kidnap fat little underage girls who buy into his Vampirism nonsense. I’m still waiting on the DOJ to come after me that he promised over 9 months ago. Hurry up Holder, and don’t bother using the “I was preparing documents for Issa” defense for being late.
DUFT: You just have to read it: “Duft was a sniper in the Special Forces, an elite, selective, special operations force also known as the Green Berets…According to Duft, his first Bronze Star was pinned onto his uniform by the late President Ronald Reagan, the second in the late 1970s by late President Richard Nixon earned in Korea when he saved a lieutenant’s life. Duft was recognized then for exhibiting meritorious courage while under enemy fire. The same type of action earned him the Silver Star….I can’t hear the National Anthem without crying.” I feel the same way hearing No Doubt singing “I am just a girl.”
4 Larry “The Round Marine” Gugle v.
13 Michael “8 tons of frijoles” Frisoli
GUGLE: It takes a very special kind of A-Hole…”Larry Gugle has been positively identified as fraudulently presenting himself as a retired Sergeant Major of Marines, with 30 years service to our beloved Corps. He was neither a Sergeant Major or had he completed 30 years of service. He has fraudulently presented himself as the recipient of the following decorations and campaign medals/ribbons: Silver Star; Bronze Star w/V; Purple Heart w/1gold*; Combat Action Ribbon w/Gold*; PUC w/2*; Navy Unit Citation; Navy Meritorious Unit Citation w/2*; Vietnam Service Medal w/2silver* (10 campaigns); Southwest Asia Service Medal; RVN Cross of Gallantry Unit Citation w/Palm; RVN Meritorious Unit Citation w/Palm; Vietnam Campaign Medal; Liberation of Kuwait (Kuwait) Medal; Liberation of Kuwait (Saudi Arabia) Medal.” In his defense, there isn’t a great diference between the Combat Action Ribbon w/Gold and the Motorcycle Safety Foundation certificate of completion that he actually earned. Wait, what?
FRISOLI: OK, the special kind of A-Hole isn’t all that special. “A federal judge magistrate said yesterday he struggled with his own outrage over the alleged heroin dealing of a Millbury defendant awaiting trial on a “stolen valor” charge, but the judge rejected a prosecution request to jail the man for six months. Instead, U.S. Magistrate Judge Timothy S. Hillman sentenced Michael P. Frisoli, 46, of 38 Tiffany Circle, to 200 hours community service for wearing a chestful of Marine medals that he had not earned.” Reminds me of this time I was shooting a machine gun on peyote, and this box of Snack Cakes walked up to me, pointed to Frisoli and said “My name is Little Debbie, king of kings: Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!” Nothing beside Frisoli remains. Round the decay Of that fat ball of tardation, boundless and fecund, The lone and level blubber stretch far away.
3 Jason “Prison SEAL” Truitt v.
14 Thomas “Colonel, Lawyer, Minister, CEO, Phony” Hughes
TRUITT: Um yeah, so there I was… “It was a harrowing seven tours. He was shot 11 times. He was declared missing in action, twice a prisoner of war. Once he was MIA for two months and 14 days. He was tortured and disfigured. He was shot in the stomach, requiring several feet of his intestines to be removed. His tattooed skin is covered in scars. He has vision in only one eye.” He’s also has a cataract of his left testicle and the trunk of a baby elephant permanently lodged in his rectum. (Rectum? Dayam near killed ‘em.)
HUGHES: For some reason I loved this quote from this dilltard: “I owe you no explanation nor am I going to debate this with you my friend. I suggest that you have other things that require your attention and it may be where you should direct your attentions. This may not be where you need to go.” So he is also a Jedi knight apparently. “These aren’t the Stolen Valor records you were looking for…you don’t need to see my DD214″…
ROSE: After about 10 years of looking for a cook in the Army, I finally find a guy with the Basic Food Service Course tab (it’s run at Fort Bragg by 1SG/Chef Gordon Ramsey, and makes SF look like Chuck E Cheese) and he fakes his way into the MPs? He got a CIB for serving a soup made of cucumbers, Indian Curry and Banana’s foster. I haven’t seen X-acto knife skills like that since Dr Richard Kimble stole the badge of Desmondo Jose Ruiz at Chicago Memorial Hospital.
EDDINGS: He pleaded guilty to stealing for 16 years veterans’ benefits from the Department of Veterans’ Affairs to the tune of about nine hundred thousand dollars. He claimed he was injured in the 1st Gulf War and wheelchair-bound despite the fact that he held down jobs as a security guard, a social worker and a sheriff’s office transportation officer. As Lawrence advised Peter: “Watch out for your cornhole bud!”
7 Kyle “Dunking Bird” Barwan v.
10 Myron “Fanciful Coot” Brown
BARWAN: Seriously, he looks like one of those birds that bends over, drinks water and then sits upright again, before starting over at step 1. Which is just like Barwan, since he’s now on his second Tourney for Stolen Valor after “impersonating a U.S. Army Warrant Officer with Special Forces for monetary gain.” I did love it when he was on Big Bang Theory playing Sheldon Cooper’s cousin Leo that was possibly molested by a Navy Chaplain at Subic Bay.
BROWN: “Brown said the written citations for the Distinguished Service Cross, Silver Star and Purple Heart came in the mail, so he ordered the medals from an online retailer and asked the congressman to formally present them to him, which [Rep. Jason] Chaffetz did at a Saratoga Springs town meeting in late June.” I noticed ole Myron here is from Provo, which always brings to mind another newspaper, or maybe the movie Fletch, I often get those confused: “Mr. Stanwyk’s parents Marvin and Velma of Provo, were unable to attend the wedding. Those are three names I enjoy; Myron, Velma, and Provo.”
CAMACHO: OK, so Brian Camacho is a fraud. I totally get that. But, have any of you stopped to consider that his wounded mind might have come from his February 17 edtion of Smackdown when Camacho made his in ring debut, competing in a battle royal to replace Randy Orton in the Elimination Chamber match? Or on the May 4th edition of Smackdown when Camacho teamed with Hunico in a losing effort against the Tag Team Champions R-Truth and Kofi Kingston? Oh, not the same dude? Well, neither is Brian Camacho and 1SG Brian Camacho. “Camacho” is kind of a cool name though. If I ever decide to fake an identity as a Tongan SF Chef, I’m going to be “Mosi Tatupu Comacho.” My grandmother was Elizabeth Warren’s (D-MA) Indian Spirit Guide.
CODOBA: “National Archives show that Cordoba did serve honorably in Vietnam – earning a National Defense Service Medal, a Combat Infantryman Badge, a Vietnam Service Medal, a Vietnam Gallantry Cross w/Palm, a Vietnam Campaign Medal, 2 Overseas Bars and a Sharpshooter certification with the M14 Rifle.It shows no awarding of a Purple Heart, Bronze Star or Silver Star, or shows a designation as either an Army Special Forces Soldier (Green Beret) or a Prisoner of War.” Just me, or does dude have a sort of Jerry Sandusky vibe going on here?
Create your free online surveys with SurveyMonkey, the world’s leading questionnaire tool.