Remember to give to Soldiers Angels Valor IT, Team Army. Yesterday I saw some names on the register of who had given, and it gave me a warm feeling inside. (Especially my Wife’s best friends Hubby, who I wish would write for us. hint hint) The money you give will go to a computer for someone who needs it to communicate with their family.
SCHAFFER: From the Gothamist: “A 33-year-old New Jersey man who claimed he was a Victoria’s Secret shop owner is under arrest after he allegedly raped a 15-year-old Brooklyn girl he met through a Craigslist ad she put online looking for work. He reportedly tricked her into signing a “sex contract” before raping her and threatened to go after her great-grandmother for breach of contract if she didn’t put out.” Um, if you could do that, how many dudes would be trying to nullify their marriage licenses right now? And why would you go after the grandmother for specific performance of a contract? Wouldn’t that be like getting Gronkowski to do your bachelorette party and when he can’t make it seeking to get Frank Gifford instead? Old one pump chump here should have limited his losses.
SEAL: Really dude, a phony SEAL who uses the name Seal? It’s a bit too much on message don’t you think? I don’t go around calling myself TSO Bigcock. The picture of him in the Navy uniform with the sun glasses on made me want to play volleyball with dudes and listen to “Fly into the Danger Zone.” Naturally the Facebook page went the way of the DoDo, The Pats 2012 World Championship, and straight dudes in the Navy.
8 Mike “Goth Special Forces” Wilson v.
9 Eliut “Mitigational Fiction” Lopez-Enriquez
WILSON: Look, who among us hasn’t gone out in public with a Tropic Lightening Patch, pencil thin moustache and eyeliner? According to his still-existent Facebook page “I can’t talk about my job discription. All I can say is that I was special forces.” Dude, first rule of SF is the same as Fight Club, don’t talk about it. Also, learn to spell. He kind of looks like an ugly tranny version of the chick from Evanescence. The flirting with Brianna Manning doesn’t help.
LOPEZ-ENRIQUEZ: Ah yes, the old “you got me, but I was SF” ploy. I know that SF has some high-speed Veterinarians (natch) but this dude was a dentist per his Navy DD214. Imagine dude’s dayplanner: “HALO in the morning, Cavity filling for PV2 Fudgepants in the p.m.”
CREEKMUR: Only two things I have to say about Creekmur. First, the dude claimed to be from Excelsior College which cracks me up because every time I read that I hear AlGore in South Park lamenting ManBearPig and saying “Excelsior” to fly. Secondly, isn’t Creekmur the dude from the movie Waiting that was the chef who kept trying to do “The Brain”? Spitting image of that guy, even though IMDB tells me that dude’s name is “Chi McBride.” Which itself is a kind of awesome name. If I could rename myself it would be Namaste Waitforit McDreamysauce. I got lost somewhere writing this, let’s just move along.
ARLT: This dude has two power moves. The first is he has 12 nicknames, and they all suck more than the previous one: Jake Arlt, Tanner “Jake” Scott, Jake Hunter, Jake Nun-ya, Jawa, “Teh Jawa”, dboyjake, d-boyjake, infideljake, JakeJakeJake, aintneverscared, Captain Jake Morgan. The second is that everytime he goes to jail, he posts a suicide note somewhere. He’s done this at least twice. How does that work exactly? Isn’t it hard to explain when you come back? Also, just me or does he look like Glass Joe from Punch Out? “Make it quick… I want to retire! Watch the jaw!! Don’t hit my jaw!”
CLIMER: The dude stole money from an American Legion post, which by definition makes him a shit and an asshole. But what gets me is that his name is actually both of those things. Urban Dictionary tells me that a “Jamie Lee” means to drop a deuce, and this is just the male version of that. (A certain USO girl by the same name laments the UD definition.) And of course Dick Cheney once referred to reporter Adam Clymer as an “Asshole.” So, I guess this is the male version of a turd in the punchbowl of humanity which fell out of a chocolate starfish. Makes sense if you think about it.
ZINNA: That is Zinna above on one of his many “off the books” missions as a part of his “intel work” for the US Government. What bothers me more than his taap sekrit horseshite though is that Superbowl6Romeo and I fought over who the dude looks like in this picture right here. (Without his squirrel makeup on.) S6R says he looks like the Robert Downey Jr with John Turturro’s hair, and I think he looks like Alec Baldwin with Jonah Hill’s hair. These are the kinds of fights that spawn Hatfield/McCoy type violence.
LEVEAU: What to say about Slats. The details of his life are quite consequential. His father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. His mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. His father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Some times he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy, the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. Leveau’s childhood was typical, summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring he’d make meat helmets. When he was insolent he was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds, pretty standard really. At the age of fourteen, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved his testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum, it’s breathtaking, I suggest you try it.
SOARD: I hate to ruin the mood, but I can’t think of anything funny about this useless sack of shit. I’d like to beat his ass with a bag full of batteries. “Douglas County State’s Attorney Kevin Nolan said Brandi Soard, 24, and her husband, Daron Soard, 26, pleaded guilty Monday to aggravated battery, admitting that in June 2009 they caused great bodily harm to Brandi Soard’s then 3-year-old son by burning his buttocks.” Special place in hell for this sonofabitch.
DAHAN: From an article about him: “Except for the glare of his flashlight, there was darkness all around as he crept from room to room, searching for an unknown enemy. Windows sealed: check. Doors locked: check. Building secure: check.” Should have been looking for his 2-1 file because according to a guy he served with “The fairy tale you just read is a complete lie. James did not fire one shot during his lack of participation in the Iraq war. As far as the Vietnam style of fighting he experienced, well you guessed it, a lie too.” James Doohan on the other hand was a straight up badass. Dude got shot 6 times on D-Day with the Canadians. Should have beamed his name stealer here straight to a planet with no oxygen.
VAUGHN: “Vaughn is a VietNam vet with 72 decorations during the 5 years he was in VietNam in the 101 Airborn. [sic]” Yeah, probably not so much, but nobody can track his ass down. This silly sack of shit is wearing so much stuff on his left side it looks like he has palsy. As one person noted, he looks like the product of a 3-way between Soup Sandwich and the guys from ZZ Top.
PEQUIGNOT: Quick, sign dude up to play infield for the Sox. “An enemy soldier threw a grenade at Pequignot, who caught it and threw it back. A game of catch ensued and the grenade exploded midair about 10 feet from Pequignot. The blast ripped off much of Pequignot’s face. He would eventually undergo 31 surgeries. Fifteen Marines came forward and donated parts of their hip bones to replace the broken bones in Pequignot’s face. Once home, the Navy again denied Pequignot’s veterans benefits, but the Fort Wayne doctors who fixed his face never billed him a penny, Pequignot said, tears welling in his eyes.” What’s with the sword there Dilltard? You think you are Inigo Montoya or something? Probably he means no *harm*. He’s really very short on *charm*. I have a great gift for rhyme? Yes, yes, some of the time.
JOSEPH: Believe it or not, that’s not really him above. That’s a Halloween costume. How we got two guys stealing from Legion posts in the same Regional is just a twist of serendipity, but the less I say about this guy, the less likely I am to go off the rails and get our blog rated NC17. Also, never trust a dude who has a last and first name that are the same. Or a chick. If you ever run into a Savannah Savannah, run for the hills.
DILIBERTO: As Jonn noted at one point: “His records say that he was in “Afganistan/Pakistan” but we know from our three witnesses that he only got as far as Pakistan before he flattened his penis and got sent back to the boat to scrape barnacles or whatever they do on boats these days.” I know this is supposed to be about Diliberto (and there’s plenty there for a guy from “Rethink Afghanistan” who has never been there) but can I take a detour? Who uses the phrase “flattened his penis”? Stepped on it with golf cleats, yeah, I’ve heard that one. But flattened? How would one even flatten a penis? All I know is that I am never using my Panini maker in the nude again. Thanks a lot Jonn.
TRACHT: Another guy with a superlative ACTUAL record who decided to go a step or three too far. Now, I was going to cut this guy some slack since he apologized to Jonn, and then I did a search on this toolbox and found out he also was scamming Operation Homefront, and found more stuff where he tells folks he was a Special Operator. Why is the EIB and CIB that he actually earned not enough? Also, Tracht is a traditional national costume in German-speaking countries and there was a chick in Monty Python Quest for the Holy Grail that had huge….trachts of land. Speaking of which, Michelle Trachtenberg was in Eurotrip…. I got nuthin’. Are any of you reading this? Is this thing on? The safety word is “Fluggen-kliggin-kien”.
Just go vote.
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