Fecal Four – Day One

| August 13, 2012 | 35 Comments

Well, we made it to the Fecal Four. All the pretenders are gone, and only the contenders remain. (Paradoxically perhaps, all the contenders are consummate pretenders.)

Each day you will be able to vote. The weekly VOTE total (not average of the percent) will win. The math is easier for me that way. So, vote 5 times, and on Friday I will add them all up.

 5 Jonathan “The Cock Inhaler” Sharkey v.
15 Timothy “Durango + Delta = Douchebag” Oliver

2 Jake “I rethunk whether I was in Astan” Diliberto v.
2 Ron “Gunny Driveway” Mailahn

HERE ARE THE BIOS FROM LAST WEEK IF YOU NEED MORE RESEARCH. VOTING BEGINS BELOW.

SHARKEY

Tale of the Stolen Valor Tape: Claims “The MOS’ Jonathon worked in while in the Army was – 13B (Field Artillery), 11C (Motars), 11B (Infantry), 11BX (Infantry Drill Segreant)18B (SF Weapons), 71D (Legal Clerk specialist), 79R (Recruiter). Jonathon is also Sniper Trained and Qualified. He still practices his Sniper skills to this day.”

Actual: National Guard PFC with an Army Service Ribbon and Sharpshooter Badge. (Which sucks for a sniper, hell, even I shot expert)

Intangibles: Looks like a cross between Ron Jeremy and Guy Fawlkes; has lost 7 elections for public office; fled Minnesota with emotionally damaged minor; threatened to impale me, chop off my head and perform satanic rite with entrails; moved to Russia.

As an aside, my reaction to his threat was as follows:

Love the threats, I mean seriously, it makes me chuckle. Okay tough guy, come on up to Indy, we can fight on the War Memorial Grounds. You bring your Secret Service friends, and I will bring my equally imagined companions: Smurfette, Nessie, one of the dwarfs from the Council of Elrond, an Amish porn star, several Minions from Despicable Me, and a couple of your girlfriends from the Niagra Falls area. You don’t think there is anyone that believes your horseshit do you?

I’m still waiting for him to show up.

OLIVER

Tale of the Stolen Valor Tape: “A member of the unit commonly known as Delta Force, he said he hit the ground in Kandahar after a high-altitude jump with thousands of other specialized troops from different branches of service. He recalls three days of intense ‘house-to-house urban warfare. It was a lot of chaos and a lot of fear,’ he said.”

Actual: I would say he’s completely full of shit, but his wife Phebe Durand assures us we don’t know the truth because “that’s a threat to national security” and we can trust her because she has a law degree from Cortez Junior High School. In fact, according to Chief Justice Durand of the Supreme Court of Oz, merely mentioning her or him is “breaking the law.”

Intangibles: Dude’s a Drood: “A practitioner of Druidic arts for fifteen years desiring to bring his gifts to the public. Friendly and caring readings and a genuine desire to help you with any questions you have.” Also, he is blind, but wears prescription eye glasses.

The pony tail he sports is an homage to David Carradine,

The grandson of Kwai Chang Oliver walks out of the past. He teaches his son wisdom at a Shaolin temple. An evil force destroyed that temple. Father and son each believed the other had perished. Fifteen years later, they were reunited. Now Oliver faced new challenges… and his son jumped into Kandahar with thousands of other specialized troops from different branches of service.

Carradine was found with rope around his neck and sausage.

DILIBERTO

Tale of the Stolen Valor Tape: US Marine with service in Iraq and Afghanistan. A political scientist and Christian Theologian, Diliberto is also the cofounder of Veterans for Rethinking Afghanistan.

Actual: Proverbs 19:9, “A false witness shall not be unpunished, and he that speaketh lies shall perish.”

Yeah, not so much on his claims. Christian Theologian Diliberto never made it into either Iraq or Afghanistan.

The unit deployed immediately after 9-11 by ship. his leaders put him on duty in the kitchen of the ship where he intentionally lanced his hand to get out of working there. When they got to Pakistan prior to their deployment into Afghanistan, Diliberto locked and loaded his weapon and threatened his corporal which resulted in the unit giving him another NJP action and included a bust to Private. His unit went on to Afghanistan while Diliberto went back to working in the ship’s kitchen.

Intangibles: Nothing pisses me off like a turd like Diliberto claiming refuge in the Christian faith. Seriously. Granted a cornerstone is redemption, grace etc, but Diliberto would first have to actually atone for his mistakes, not just compound and obfuscate them. Take for example this comment left by someone from his unit. Now, granted it is hearsay. But assume that this was about you, and that you were a divinity student, wouldn’t you come out and address it?

in reference to the altercation he was involved in inside the barracks, he was bullying a smaller older marine, and when someone his size came calling, it got ugly. He got his ass whooped like the punk he his. he’s a liar, i was actually decent to him, more so than he ever deserved, because i thought i could turn him into a decent marine. His ego and his bs are too much. he can’t be helped. it’s a real tragedy that a news station would put this moron on alongside people who create and change military strategy. he isn’t a combat vet. If larry king ever does a special on midnight firewatch, or njp, that would be the only good time to have this idiot on.

Does that strike you as the kind of person you would want representing either a religious persuasion or a movement?

Revelation 21:8, “…and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone.”

MAILAHN

Tale of the Stolen Valor Tape: The Youngest Sergeant Major in the history of the Marine Corps.

Actual: “I admit I was not in the corps but I did serve in the army I said I was in the corps cause a lot of my friends that was made fun of the army I was wrong in doing so very wrong now that I admited to this please take my name off your web page and could u send this to the hell website and have them remove this off there site as well I just want to live my life this lie has caused me to lose jobs due to the fact it was on the web and I don’t need to lose anymore job opperinitys u have my permission to post this on the site
Ronad Mailahn Jr”

Yes, he really wrote that his name is Ronad.

Intangibles:

Hog ties his girlfriend, and publishes the pictures.

U can put me on all the websites u want that will be more money for me when I sue
I sent this and the other website to my attorney
John this is called harsment I will be sending this email and the site u posted my info on

Stole $9,000+ from a girl softball league.

I literally can’t do this guy justice, so you should go read the entire thread, but seriously, set aside at least an hour and some Excedrin. But my personal favorite was this passage ostensibly from his hog-tied honey, Jenny:

Cause of you prople Ron tried to kiill himself.

Why can u peple just leave him alone? I love him and I don’t care what he is.Ass long as I am with him. Yes he is tough but this just put him over the edge.Please leave my Boyfriend alone .and like I said how u are all happy with yourself.
Jenny

Jenny adds:

How could u people be so cold a man tried to end his life last night and all u can do is make jokes? Don’t u have any compassion? You all say bad things about him u don’t even know him. he is warm loving carrying man who I love with all my heart enough is enough now. You brought his personal info to this not bad end people called with death threats one of the reasons he did what he did last night. Let me ask you all this have u never made a mistake? Well if you have no u be the first ones to cast that stone.

Jenny then dumped his ass, and he started dating Diana (her sideboob pics here.)

Ron’s Facebook page is still up, and includes pictures of Michael Vick, Jean Luc Picard and Jack Bauer.

 

Say a prayer for me
I’m buried by the sound
In a world of human
Wreckage
I’m lost and I’m found
And I can’t touch the
Ground
I’m plowed into the sound

Now go vote:

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Category: Politics

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  1. NHSparky says:

    Wow. This was actually more difficult than I thought.

    But having Sponge as my earworm for the day makes it a little easier. Thanks, TSO–now I’ll have that intro riff playing in an endless loop.

    Oh, and Gunny Driveway FTW.

  2. Former3c0 says:

    Hm… I was going to go Mailahn, but then I saw on his facebook page that he also likes Kelly Clarkson, just kidding!

    Sharkey and Diliberto all the way…

  3. JP says:

    Cock Inhaler/Dildoberto 2012!

  4. LebbenB says:

    Sharkey and SgtMaj Ronad in the final! It’ll be bat-shit crazy versus semi-literate shenanigans in a posing duel to the death. “Two posers go in, but only one will come out of the Blunderdome.”

  5. MCPO NYC USN (Ret.) says:

    With 577 posts on TAH to his credit … my man Gunny Driveway is going all the way!

  6. Redacted1775 says:

    GUNNY DRIVEWAY FTW!!!

  7. Alberich says:

    Jake & Vlad – they lived in the real world before crossing over into Liar’s Paradise. Or Toyland, whichever. “You served; then you swerved.”

    Besides, that gives us the Christian Theologian versus the Blood-Drinking Satanist for the final round and will give us a whole new theme for comments. (And photoshops?)

  8. Hondo says:

    JP, Alberich: that’s my pick for the final also. But while I think the Inhaler is a lock, Dildoman has some really stiff competition (pun intended). Ronad could well manage to squeak by.

  9. Nicki says:

    GO GO COCK INHALER!!!!!

  10. MCPO NYC USN (Ret.) says:

    Gunny Driveway says, onhis advancement to the Fecal Four, “It meens be adviced, Eye’m meen nasdy and tirid. Eye ete constintner wire and piss naypalm, and eye kan putt a ruond throw a fles’s ass at 200 meaters. So yuo go and hump somebody else’s leg, mutt face, before eye push yuors in.”

  11. TSO says:

    80 votes in, Mailahn 40 Diliberto 40.

  12. UpNorth says:

    Go Gunny Driveway, just think what photos he might post if he learns he’s won the Stolen Valor Tournament.

  13. Veritas Omnia Vincit says:

    Oliver and Mailahn may have reached their zenith at this point….Sharkey and Diliberto are a tough combo….and I do so like the heaven vs. hell aspect that Alberich pointed out…

  14. Anonymous says:

    I saw Tim Oliver on TV this weekend. He had shaved the facial fuzz and was posing as a Russian woman. He was running the 800m. He’s pretting fast for a blind cripple.

  15. Anonymous says:

    @14 s/b ‘pretty’ fast

  16. JAGC says:

    Ronad will always be a poor-man’s Soup Sandwich until he attempts to walk onto a military base and lock somebody up for disrespecting the youngest Marine Sgt Major. He is, however, certainly worthy of his lofty fecal four stature.

    But as I’ve said in the past, DiLiberto is more dangerous because he’s articulate enough to lie his way onto national TV and into various public events to get people to actually believe him or at least take his views more seriously. He has just enough real credentials to make his way onto the stage in order to shill his personal agenda based off of uneducated, biased, and unearned experience. Public exposure of guys like DiLiberto is exactly what the Supreme Court was talking about.

  17. Twist says:

    It’s almost time for me to start voting early and often.

  18. Green Thumb says:

    This guys stink so bad that I can smell them through the screen.

  19. MCPO NYC USN (Ret.) says:

    TSO says, “80 votes in, Mailahn 40 Diliberto 40.”

    Holy crap … this is as Gunny Driveway would say a, “travarcity”.

    He deserves better send him ALL THE WAY HOME!

  20. MikeD says:

    Mailman and the Shark (that sounds like an 80′s TV show), all the way.

  21. Flagwaver says:

    Definitely going for that pig-poker Mailman. After the near month of conversation in his “revelation” post, how could I not. He deserves to win something in life that does not require hog-tying and a triple-pulley lift.

    As for the first, I voted for Vlad the cock impaler. Anyone who would openly threaten to “eat” a group of veterans in open combat definitely has the raisins to need an award for participation. Maybe Obummer can give this guy a cabinet post… the one formerly held by Ms. Lewinsky.

  22. Ex-PH2 says:

    Had to pick Sharkey and Jake for these reasons:

    Can’t get the Sharkey in a Pooh-suit out of my head.

    Jake got interviewed on Larry King’s show. Is Piers Morgan’s show next for him?

    As much as the round marines inspire me to get my ass away from my desk and my stories, the bull-goose loonies I’ve chosen are my picks this year.

  23. Smokey Behr says:

    Kawk Inhaler, and Gunny Driveway. Just say no to the Douchebag and DiLdo.

  24. Anonymous says:

    Just went back to read the comments on Gunny Driveway’s original thread. OMFG!!! I’m still giggling at my desk.

    And here’s a bit of ESP-type clairvoyance from TSO: http://thisainthell.us/blog/?p=28658#comment-589696

    “Anyone NOT think that Ronnie will make the Final Four in the Second Annual Stolen Valor Tournament? I mean, he and Jonathan the Impaler Sharkey have already locked up 1 seeds I would think.”

    Dude, the Cock Inhaler should be frightened by your mental prowess. He can’t behead you! You’ll use your superpowers to curb stomp him!

  25. Anonymous says:

    Sharkey v. Mailahn! I remain resolute in my faith that these two will battle it out in the end.

  26. Nicki says:

    Oh, Sorry – #24 was me. I screwed up.

  27. UpNorth says:

    Agreed, Nicki, gots to be Sharkey v Gunny Driveway.

  28. Green Thumb says:

    Oliver has the edge.

  29. Hack Stone says:

    I voted for Oliver Twisted Fuck and Gunny Driveway just so I can see what gowns their girlfriends will wear at the awards banquet. BTW, I am still waiting to find out when and where the awards ceremony is to be held. What will be appropriate attire for this event? Tuxedo, dress uniform, or whatever we can buy off of ebay? I should place my order for uniform accessories now with David Hack. I wouldn’t want to have to borrow a uniform from a friend.

  30. AaronInVA says:

    I’m for driveway winning this. I mean, he not only stole a lot of money from a gils little league softball team, but it was his own daughters. He isn’t getting the level of fame-shame Poe got. He needs more.

  31. AaronInVA says:

    And just for laughs, teddy966 commented on Sharkey vs Mailman: – “I had high hopes for him, but goddamned if the Mailman didn’t surpass them by a mile.

    I’m thinking he costs to the fecal four now. You can’t build up that much hate from your own family, co-workers, and acquaintances without having that fire, that drive to be the biggest douche in the tourney. He’s got the eye of the tiger, TSO, that’s for damn dure.”

  32. I didn’t want Ronnie Mailman’s family to be deprived of his incredible feat of making the final four, so I sent Mommie a message:
    Keeping family up to date on the Phony soldier contest of 2012, I thought that you should know that Ronnie has made it to the top 4 phonies of this year’s competition. That’s no small feat, and most likely helped because he is such a useless type. You can check him out here at This Ain’t Hell: http://thisainthell.us/blog/?p=31481

  33. LebbenB says:

    @30. Dress Blues with mickey mouse boots, a mask & snorkel, and a light coat of oil.

  34. LoNg RaNgE PaTrOL 41 says:

    Southern Class… You are a fucking idiot…. I hope you burn in hell… Jack Ass…

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