Flesh Wounds; the absolutely worst military movie ever made

| December 10, 2012 | 52 Comments

My satellite remote crapped out this weekend, so while I waited for the replacement, I decided that I’d watch Netflix. Since my favorite movies have to do with the military, I looked for flicks of that genre. I found this totally POS movie “Flesh Wounds” which stars Kevin Sorbo. Whoever their military adviser was on this flick should be run out of Hollywood on a rail. To begin with, they get their mission from this colonel;

Can you find anything correct on his uniform? What you can’t see is that he has two unit patches on his left shoulder – both full color. He offers the Sorbo character $150,000/per man for the operation, like our troops get paid by the mission, not by the month. Their big, scary member of the team is just a fat, flabby POS with fake tattoos. The dialogue is just nasty gay jokes. You can read some of the half-wit dialogue at the IMDb link. The firefights are a joke.

If you’re ever sitting around with your military friends and you want to have a contest counting the mistakes in a war movie, this is the one you want, if they can still see the movie through tears from laughter. I have no idea what the movie is about, I turned it off after the first firefight.

Someone should lose their job over this POS.

Category: Hollywood shitbags

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  1. Veritas Omnia Vincit says:

    It’s a good thing they didn’t blow their whole budget on any quality actors, that way they could spend their dollars on a great scriptwriter…wait they didn’t do that either…maybe they blew the budget on special effects? Nope not that reason…hmm maybe they spent it on 4ss and cigars like the line in the movie.

    If Mystery Science Theater was still running this would make a perfect subject movie.

  2. Fm2176 says:

    Never heard of this one, but “Murder at the Presidio” left me in disbelief years ago with its inaccuracies.

  3. Sgt Awesome says:

    Horrible military movies done Mystery Science Theater style by Ranger Up… I’d watch that.

  4. Nicki says:

    Is that a SPC-4 class-a patch on his right shoulder???? It’s dark, so I can’t tell too well. What the bleeding, festering fuck??

  5. J the Saint says:

    Veritas – MST3000 is still around, they just moved online, now called rifftrax. They sell their voice overs for ~$2 and its worth it.

  6. Hack Stone says:

    You have obvioulsy never seen the cinematic masterpiece titled Terror In Beverly Hills, starring one Frank Stallone. The lead character is a former Marine Green beret (you read tthat right) Mmedal Of honor rcipient who needs to rescue teh president’s daughter from Middle Eastern terrorists (are there anny other kind of terroists?). And the name of the character that Frank portrays? Hack Stone! Check out the reviews on IMDB. I dare you! I used to make my new guys watch this as part of their indoctrination, but it bordered on hazing.

  7. Green Thumb says:

    Dude kinda looks like one of my old CO’s.

    Roger that!

    Maybe Kevin Sorbo will be the next “star” to visit the White House…you never know.

  8. The Dead Man says:

    #1 The MST3k guys are still around doing Cinematic Titanic (Joel and the old bots) and Rifftrax (Mike and the new bots). Even better is that Rifftrax lets you upload your own and they’ll sell it. We’re working on Percy Jackson and U571 or Pearl Harbor since both of us are history buffs.

  9. Green Thumb says:

    Where in the hell is Snake Plissken when you need him.

  10. NHSparky says:

    Now you begin to understand the pain which I am forced to endure when I see steaming piles of celluloid guano such as, “Crimson Tide, “The Fifth Missile, “Hunt For Red October,” and that thankfully cancelled POS “Last Resort?”

  11. TSO says:

    Last Resort sucks? Damn. I just downloaded it for my kindle fire too.

  12. NHSparky says:

    Think of it as “Crimson Tide” meets “Lost.”

    Yes, it’s that bad. I saw the opening episode and the only thing that came to mind afterwards was, “There’s 43 minutes of my life I won’t be getting back.”

  13. Green Thumb says:

    I always thought “Basic” with Samuel L. Jackson was one swirl away from going down the crapper as well.

  14. Jonn Lilyea says:

    You’re right, Green. If it rained as much in Panama as they depicted in “Basic”, the isthmus would have been under water long ago.

  15. DaveO says:

    I expect the story line currently graces a number of Facebook and Match dot com pages.

  16. PFDRbrendan says:

    @Ex-PH2- I love “Crimson Tide” though. But then again, I feel that “Down Periscope” and “Operation Petticoat” were also great sub movies.

  17. That’s a pretty funny movie review.

  18. Setnaffa says:

    Ribbons (as near as I can tell):

    Kosovo Campaign (but no stars?)
    Joint Service Commendation
    National Defense Service
    American Defense Service (from before WW2!!!!)
    Silver Star
    Nato
    Army Achievement (or maybe WW2 Europe Africa Middle East Campaign, it’s kind of dark in that photo)

    The correct order might be:

    Silver Star
    Joint Service Commendation
    Army Achievement
    American Defense Service
    National Defense Service
    Kosovo Campaign (with at least one star)
    Nato

    But it sure seems odd a guy like that has no wings or combat badges–how did he get the Silver Star without combat? Do Staff Officer get Silver Stars?? Wouldn’t he likely have a Bronze Star too???? And at least a Purple Heart?

  19. SFC Holland says:

    I heard that the sequel was gonna kcik ass though, so I am waiting for it. Basic was frickin horrible, almost as bad as the thin red line, my absolute number one pick for war movies I can’t watch.

  20. FatCircles0311 says:

    What’s the problem? U.S. Army uniforms always look like soupsandwiches anyway. Their uniform policy could be mistaken for a restaurant’s employee handbook regarding uniform flair attire.

    I keed!

  21. NHSparky says:

    PFDR–take it from a former submariner. Crimson Tide = steaming pile of shit.

    The humor in Down Periscope, however, was dead on. Knew several officers like the XO (Rob Schneider) and in one case actually called one of the officers Marty.

    Fortunately for me he hadn’t seen the movie yet.

  22. Hack Stone says:

    Political Season @17, which review are referring to? Please, please say Terror In Beverly Hills.

  23. Setnaffa says:

    Looking at it again it was a WW2 Europe Africa Middle East Campaign ribbon. And he does have both 5th Army and 7th Army patches on his left shoulder and a Specialist patch on his right… It’s like they didn’t even try…

  24. Tough666 says:

    Don’t blame the Mil Advisor. I used to work as one. The Mil Advisor is exactly that an advisor. He makes only the decisions that the Director and the Producers allow him to make. A lot of those decisions are based on “artistic liscense”.

  25. 68W58 says:

    Whew-Sparky said nothing about Operation Petticoat. I can continue to indulge my guilty Cary Grant pleasure.

  26. Insipid says:

    The movie similar to this for me was a Charles Bronson movie called Assassination. Mr Bronson is playing a Secret Service agent tasked with protecting the First Lady and of course in that world Law Rockets are standard issue for Secret service agents. Here’s a scene from it, i won’t bother telling you all that’s wrong with it, especially since i’m sure anyone of you could name a lot more cause i’m not even that into things that go boom. But even I know that Law rockets don’t do this:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z58HK2zQ1IA

    Later on in the movie he’s given a small gun and the guy handing it to him says something like “Don’t be fooled by its size, if fires five shotgun shells”. Then later on in the movie we see this little gun making this huge shotgun blast and the person I was seeing it with insisted that we leave. I was having a laugh, but he prefers his movies to obey the laws of physics.

  27. Green Thumb says:

    @26.

    Dude, that movie rocked.

    How can you not like Charles Bronson?

    Anerican Ninja 2, I get. But Charles Bronson?

  28. Devtun says:

    Caught a entertaining sub movie by chance on TCM titled “Torpedo Run” from 1958 w/ Glenn Ford and Ernest Borgnine. The flick is about a ww2 sub commander and his obsession in sinking a Japanese aircraft carrier…really solid stuff all around – specifically the cinematography.

  29. Insipid says:

    I actually kind of regret walking out of it. It had a so-bad-it’s-good kind of charm to it. But if you’re a stickler for reality, or even something slightly resembling it, that’s not the movie for you.

  30. NHSparky says:

    Actually, PFDR, Operation Petticoat is kind of a guilty pleasure for me. Yeah, it’s not very realistic, but when you have a former WWII submariner (Tony Curtis) in it, that’s enough for me.

  31. COB6 says:

    #24 has a great point. I too have advised on several films and my experience varies greatly. Having said that, I never received any pushback at all about uniforms and the prop houses out there have everything you need. The problem is that many of these prop houses think they are military experts and they are really just full of shit.

    Great story. I was dialogue coaching on a film a couple of years back and went to the set on day three of shooting. I had asked about a mil advisor and was assured they had one of the best doing that. A guy wearing an Army Class A uniform approached me about his dialogue changes.

    He was supposed to be a Colonel. However, instead of eagles on his uniform as rank, he was sporting Army aviator wings on each shoulder!

  32. Hack Stone says:

    So, COB6, did you do a spot correction, or let events play out? can you give us a hint on the movie title?

  33. David says:

    Insipid – think I have seen that small handgun since then…. Tommy Lee Jones called it a “Noisy Cricket”

  34. David says:

    wait a minute…. worse than “The Boys in Company C”? I heard when I was in Germany that when they showed that in Bad Tolz, and they got to the end scene in which a Special Forces Major was hiding behind a Vietnamese kid in the attack, that the local Group guys pretty well trashed the theater. Anyone know for sure?

  35. Hack Stone says:

    A Marine I used to work for was an extra in BICC during the receiving scene. He said most of actors portraying recruits were dicks, and after they screened the premiere, he and the rest of the Marines that were extras kind of obscured their faces as they left the theater, embarrassed to be associated with the movie.

    My wife was an extra on an ABC Movie Of The Week, Heroes Of Desert Storm. AS far as I know, it was only broadcast once, which is one too many. She has a Kevin Bacon factor of two or three, which means that I have a Kevin Bacon Factor of three or four. Now, if I could only get in a movie with Frank stallone, I would be all set.

  36. Hayabusa says:

    A while back, I was watching a festering turd pile called “Green Zone” starring Maaaattt Daaay-monnn on HBO. I had to turn it off during a scene where one of the characters was wearing a CIB upside down.

  37. Yat Yas 1833 says:

    We need a tourney for rating the all time WORST military movies around! I’ve bought a few out of the $5 discount bin at Wally World just for the comedic value. I see if i van find them and list some titles!?

  38. Mr. Blue says:

    What about that MST 3K favorite “Starfighters”? How do you ruin a movie featuring one of the coolest fighters ever? Why, just use a smooth, lite jazz soundtrack over endless scenes of aerial refueling! And make sure to have waaay more footage of refueling, landing, taxiing, and ugly guys drinking & talking than you have of the planes doing cool stuff. And ruin the cool stuff with more of that lite jazz.

  39. Hack Stone says:

    Forgot all about MST3K’s rip on Starfighters. Didn’t that have a future congressman in it? Puffy suit! Puffy suit!

  40. Hack Stone says:

    yat Yas @38, if you do list the movies, show your work. You have to tell what makes each uniquely crappy in it’s own special way. Please cite dialog, costumes, glaring technical mistakes, incredible holes in the plot, and whether it qualifies as bad bad, or guilty pleasure bad. I’ll post some reviews when I get home tonight.

    Completely off topic, driving onto Quantico this morning, most of the pink spray paint must have been sand-blasted off, but you can still see traces. I guess next they will hit the Tomb Of The Unknown.

  41. MCPO - 11 Worst MIL Movies says:

    I just AlGored my way to the internetersphere and twitted “Worst Military Movies”.

    Considering TAH popped its head up in the list of sites, here is the “Top 11 Worst Military Movies of All Time” not according to me.

    BTW – I love John Wayne and the Green Berets

    1. Flesh Wounds
    2. Thin Red Line-WW2
    3. Boys From Company C-Vietnam
    5. Windtalkers-WW2
    5. The Lost or Last Command-American Civil War
    6. Force Ten From Navarone-WW2
    7. Some Yugoslav partisan movie with Yul Brynner-WW2
    8. The Four Feathers,the latest remake-British Empire
    9. Purple Hearts-Vietnam
    10. The Green Berets-Vietnam
    11. The Patriot-Revolutionary War

  42. Ex-PH2 says:

    I don’t know which of these was the worst:
    Hamburger Hill – Vietnam
    Pork Chop Hill – still not sure where that was
    Top Gun – sorry, I still think Cruise looked far too young in that, like he was just out of high school
    Taras Bulba — too choppily edited and Tony Curtis looked about as Kazakh-ish as a bowl of mashed potatoes
    Sgt Bilko – theatrical remake, nothing like the orginal TV show (not really a war movie)
    Memphis Belle — just another excuse to give out of work actors some cameo shots; every cliche’ in the book; they even got the dog on the runway into it
    The Way We Were – Do we HAVE TO put Streisand and Redford together EVERY COTTON PICKIN’ TIME? (not actually a war movie, but set back then)

    Good sub movies:
    Gray Lady Down
    Das Boot (The Boat)

    Bad sub movies:
    On the Beach — still can’t reconcile the timing in the last scenes before doomsday strikes
    Hunt For Red October — the only good thing in it was Sean Connery, and I already asked Sparky about the caterpillar drive – never gonna happen
    20,000 Leagues Under the Sea (Disney) – just LOVE that giant squid

    Silly movies
    Down Periscope — very funny, have a copy
    Wackiest Ship in the Army — right up to the last 15 minutes
    Launch ‘Em – a black & white film shot and edited by the crew of the Kitty Hawk in 1968. You will probably never see it.

    Good war movies:
    Gone With the Wind – that scene in Atlanta where the camera pulls back and shows the wounded at the train station, and the scene in the hospital where the doctor is amputating some poor soul’s leg without an anesthetic
    Victory At Sea — Navy’s combat camera group film groups doing their job in World War II

  43. martinjmpr says:

    @39 & 40: StarFighters has to be one of my favorite MST3k movies. For a while over on the (now gone) Paratrooper.net, my signature was a line from that movie. It was Tom Servo’s summation of the story: “So, according to themselves, the Air Force is a bunch of lumpy faced, hard drinking, not-too-bright speed freaks who poop in their pants and can’t make it with women?”

  44. martinjmpr says:

    @40: I think you mean “Poopy Suit.” ;)

  45. martinjmpr says:

    “Wind Talkers” was not just a terrible movie, it was a slur on the reputation of the USMC because the central “conflict” of the movie was that Nic Cage was ordered to murder his own men if it looked like they’d be captured by the enemy, which is a 100% falsehood. If I was a jarhead I’d be extremely pissed at that movie.

    Of course, Nic Cage also pissed all over the Army in his awful, awful, awful movie “Fire Birds” with Sean Young and Tommy Lee Jones.

  46. martinjmpr says:

    It’s easier to list the good movies about the military (because that list is so small.)

    Two of my favorites are “Gardens of Stone” with James Caan and James Earl Jones, and an odd little independent movie that came out of the 1980’s called “84 Charlie Mopic.” It’s sort of a Vietnam-war era “Blair Witch Project” kind of “found footage” movie. Very interesting.

  47. The Dead Man says:

    #39 You cite The Starfighters and leave out Red Zone Cuba? I think they’re the same director though, so there is that. Also, since I didn’t post it earlier for some reason. http://mst3konline.blogspot.com/ What movies aren’t listed there can still be found on Youtube, usually in full.

    I actually had to order Down Periscope because I couldn’t find it. I could see copies of movies that as a kid I thought were miserable, but finding a movie that’s actually funny? Hell no.

    Any takes on Juggernaut? I was suggested the movie after I tore Hurt Locker to shreds. Lastly, it’s not a movie, but if you guys want to see the absolute worst in writing with the military, go find a Let’s Play or a cheapo copy of Home Front. Written by the guy behind Red Dawn with multiple, repeated head banger moments and other blisteringly stupid decisions. Incendiary Mortars used by an inexperienced guy danger close? Oops watch that friendly fire. Obvious trap, commented on by the characters? Better walk into it anyway. Enemy has air superiority? We’re going in by Helicopter without any fighter suppor-oh look another helicopter got shot down.

  48. Blackshoe says:

    Seal Team VI.
    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1281966/

    The guns never have magazines in them, and they simulate gunfire with animated-in flashes. As for uniform mistakes, at one point, they get a briefing from a three-star ADM wearing the large insignia normally seen on the Ike jacket on the collar of his wash khakis.

    I bought it at Wal-Mart for $6, which was about $4 more than they spent on the production.

  49. Hack Stone says:

    I was flipping through the movie channels and caught part of a “film” entitled Dead Men Can’t Dance. This movie is so bad the World Court should put the producers on trial for war crimes. The description is “Elite army unit is assigned to destroy North Korea’s lone nuclear facility.” In the film, the elite Army unit consists of the first all female Ranger unit. I was quite impressed on what it takes to become a Ranger, which according this, consists of standing in a pool of water until you defecate and being threatened and slapped one time by someone posing as a North Korean Intelligence Officer. If you can force yourself into watching the entire movie, which should be an endurance test for anyone going through actual Ranger training, you just may reconsider the awarding of the worst military movie ever made. And the worst part is that everyone’s favorite military veteran. R. Lee Ermey, is in it. Talk about the walk of the shame.

    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0118941/

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