Helpful advice from Homeland Security and TSO
Wonderfully helpful article today at the NY Post:
WASHINGTON — Is your workplace getting shot up by a crazed gunman?
No problem — just grab a pair of scissors and fight back!
That’s some of the helpful advice in a new instructional video from the Department of Homeland Security that was posted on the agency’s Web site just a month after the massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Connecticut.
“If you are caught out in the open and cannot conceal yourself or take cover, you might consider trying to overpower the shooter with whatever means are available,” says the narrator in the video, which shows an office worker pulling scissors out of a desk drawer.
Great advice that, but the problem is you can’t run with scissors.
I have helpfully take pictures of some items in my office I intend to use to twart a prospective murderer.
1: Buddha Lamp.
I will brain him with the Buddha lamp. Alternately I could ask him to consider the implications of what the great Buddha taught. Or, lastly, I could throw my coffee at the perp, and then make him hold the lamp. He might get electrocuted if lightening strikes.
2: Creamy Peanut Butter:
I’ve never seen anyone so overwraught with hostility he wouldn’t stop for peanut butter. Also, it will keep his insane ramblings to a minimum if it sticks to the roof of his mouth.
3: Ranger Up crossed rifles:
“You see that crazy person? You know what that means? I went through a week of hand to hand training at Basic, and I am not afraid to use it.”
Unfortunately the thing is semi-permanently affixed to my office wall.
I hope you found this useful.
January 31st, 2013 at 12:00 pm
About as helpful as teats on a boar hog.
Remember, this is all part of the same gubbment organization as BATFEces, “the gang that couldn’t shoot straight.”
January 31st, 2013 at 12:01 pm
What, no taking out a crazed workplace gunmen with your penis. And then topping it off by teabbagging them afterwards?
I mean, come ON!! Sheesh…..
January 31st, 2013 at 12:05 pm
Don’t you have a stapler? Momma told me you could put an eye out with one if you’re not careful!!
January 31st, 2013 at 12:09 pm
“Twart?” I’m sorry, I don’t think you know what that word means…
January 31st, 2013 at 12:16 pm
Sadly, even this diffident suggestion (“You might consider”) is an improvement over the old pravda, which was hide and pray with no thought of resistance.
January 31st, 2013 at 12:18 pm
@1, LOL, “BATFEces” I’m gonna have to borrow that sometime, those boobs are so stupid, they’d ride the #5 bus twice to make up for missing the #10!
January 31st, 2013 at 12:18 pm
You just don’t bring creamy peanut butter to a gunfight.
Best go chunky, or just weep, beg for mercy and pray for the best.
January 31st, 2013 at 12:19 pm
They still want you to hide and hope you won’t be detected. If you have no other option they say go for the scissors. By the time you get close enough, you’ll already be shot up and lying on the ground. I got a huge sign I could hopefully defend myself with till I get one of my pocket knifes out.
January 31st, 2013 at 12:24 pm
We had 1.21 million abortions in the USA last year, and I understand that for those later-term pregnancies, scissors are a doctors weapon of choice. So, to you unborn babies as well as to you incipient mass-murderers, the Surgeon General has determined that scissors are most definitely hazardous to your health.
January 31st, 2013 at 12:26 pm
I have the Gerber Combat Folder that one of my son’s squad members gave me when they came back from Iraq…then I looked at my desk and saw all the office shit I use. Stamps, staplers, paperclip holder…God, I am such a POG! I should probably just weep and pray, rather than throwing everything I can while trying to get close enough to jab the puke right in the liver…
January 31st, 2013 at 12:31 pm
you better make sure the stapler has only 7 staples in the magazine first!
January 31st, 2013 at 12:33 pm
I’d sling a five pound bottle of hand sanitizer at their head.
January 31st, 2013 at 12:37 pm
TSO, you left out the cast iron skillet on the stove, the cooking spray and butane lighter, and the sword in the library.
I can see right now that one of my next projects should be the Homegrown Guide to Self-Defense Using Junk.
January 31st, 2013 at 12:37 pm
I have 3 different bottles of hot sauce and one of em is *BIG* 17 oz squirt bottle of Sriracha.
Break Out The Flaming Hot Cock!!! LOL!!!
January 31st, 2013 at 12:45 pm
Folks: teats on a boar hog are not useless. Lack of same, or inverted ones, prevents registration of some breeds at the National Swine Registry.
http://www.nationalswine.com/Home_pages/Breed_Pages/Landrace_Breed_Page.html
January 31st, 2013 at 12:52 pm
I’d throw the swear jar at them, but the Air Force took it.
January 31st, 2013 at 12:56 pm
I’d just give any gunman that breaks in a NCOPD on the NCOER and then quietly slip out when he falls asleep.
January 31st, 2013 at 1:03 pm
I have a better idea. I’ll make them eat my cooking.
January 31st, 2013 at 1:09 pm
@18 Your a good cook that would be considered aiding the enemy!! LOL
January 31st, 2013 at 1:16 pm
January 31st, 2013 at 1:20 pm
I only have one question, why did you kill the poor plants in your office? (:
January 31st, 2013 at 1:30 pm
I’ll spin a ruler on top of a pencil. If I do it fast enough, it may fly off and “put someone’s eye out” (so I was told).
They won’t let me have scissors at work.
January 31st, 2013 at 1:31 pm
So essentially what the Obama retard misinformation is saying is “use a knife in a gun fight” that’s fucking brilliant. Hey only four more years of helpful safety tips from our now progressive government agencies.
January 31st, 2013 at 1:32 pm
I think it’s about time for somebody to clean their office.
January 31st, 2013 at 1:32 pm
DAMN PEOPLE. *THINK* GOT-DAMN GRADE SCHOOLERS CAN FIGHT BETTER THAN YOU
Double rubber band and bent PAPERCLIP!!!!
PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW
January 31st, 2013 at 1:33 pm
Why is there a jar of peanut butter in your office?
January 31st, 2013 at 1:41 pm
ChipNASA: just make sure that bag of paperclips doesn’t have more than 7 in it at one time, and that the rubber-band doesn’t have a pistol grip.
January 31st, 2013 at 1:46 pm
Strangely enough, no one ever mentions fire extinguishers. A face full of ammonium phosphate (emphasis on the “hate”) followed by an “Og the caveman” swing to the grape should sort things out.
January 31st, 2013 at 1:55 pm
i’ll use my pink bubble gun with optional thumb hole and evil rail system too hold my 32oz bubble reservoir and flashy light.
January 31st, 2013 at 2:07 pm
What’s with the “Patriots Are Losers” pin up below the rifles? I feel like there’s a story there.
January 31st, 2013 at 2:07 pm
@27 Hondo,
LMMFAO. That’s Rich.
January 31st, 2013 at 2:08 pm
Hell I keep a 9mm beside my desk in my office at home.Guess I’m some sort of wierdo.
January 31st, 2013 at 2:08 pm
@30, a coworker made it and put it up a few years ago when the Colts beat the Pats.
January 31st, 2013 at 2:22 pm
You f’d if the killer has a rock though.
January 31st, 2013 at 2:30 pm
@33, I am now a big fan of one of your coworkers. I put a picture on my Pats fans desk of a picture of Tom Brady walking off the field after the first SB loss to the Giants that had the caption “Cheaters never prosper, the Manning brothers do”. Don’t worry though, he retaliated.
January 31st, 2013 at 2:40 pm
That’s not a Buddha lamp, it’s a Budai lamp (see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Budai ). A good rule of thumb is that Buddha is thin, Budai is fat (despite what the waiters at the old Chinese restaurants might have said).
January 31st, 2013 at 2:42 pm
@36, great Intel bud, I did not know that. Not sure how I ever missed that, but I very much appreciate it. I noted that Wiki said lots of westerners make that mistake.
I’ll be working that new knowledge into my next rant you can be sure.
January 31st, 2013 at 2:45 pm
No worries TSO. Pretty much everyone thinks that. I really do chalk it up to Chinese restaurants…
January 31st, 2013 at 2:49 pm
What Happened to your Aero Garden
January 31st, 2013 at 2:50 pm
Need new seeds, but my wife hid my credit card.
January 31st, 2013 at 2:54 pm
TSO, if you need a credit card to buy seeds, you probably need a license for what you’re growing!
January 31st, 2013 at 3:05 pm
“…my wife hid my credit card”??????????????
Well, we know who’s large and in charge in *THAT* household…
Have you given up dipping yet? Or do you still have 20 cups of leavin’s sitting around your office?
January 31st, 2013 at 3:05 pm
After what you did to the last plant you might need to pass a background check before you can purchase new seeds.
January 31st, 2013 at 3:14 pm
I will use the scream like a bitch and run in circles saying “he shootin’” tactic.
January 31st, 2013 at 4:08 pm
In the rather obvious category: if you are near a desk from which to retrieve a pair of scissors, would the time it takes to get them perhaps be better used hiding under the desk instead??
Am seeing some opportunities here for the inventors among us. Do we need some quick-rlease scissors holders for installation on the under sides of desks so that we could both hide ourselves and retrieve scissors in a single move?
January 31st, 2013 at 4:12 pm
Only our government would suggest bringing a knife to a gun fight.
These clowns.
January 31st, 2013 at 4:18 pm
Scissors would be a double-barrelled knife, right?
January 31st, 2013 at 4:56 pm
Used cat litter.
January 31st, 2013 at 5:45 pm
i imagine ripping a good,,wet beer fart 1min before he burst into my office! yikes
January 31st, 2013 at 7:44 pm
They’ll get my chunky peanut butter when they pry it out of cold, dead hands.
“Come and get it!!”
That said, when I taught World History, I kept a Greek dorie (Hoplite spear) and a Roman pilum in my classroom. Would’ve been epic.
January 31st, 2013 at 7:50 pm
With workplace advice like that makes me glad I am retired.An active shooter in my house, will be shot by nearest caliber next to me.
January 31st, 2013 at 8:55 pm
TSO–not allowed to buy “penis flowers” any more?
January 31st, 2013 at 9:24 pm
I am amazed that no one has suggested this heretofore unknown lethal weapon:
Garrotte with the iPhone charger & cable, better known as “the white plastic string of death.”
January 31st, 2013 at 10:37 pm
Dental floss stretched across open doorway near bottom.
Cooking spray on tile floor.
Flour or powdered sugar, right in the face.
Very large ladle, used as a smacking instrument.
January 31st, 2013 at 11:17 pm
Jello pudding spread on the floor at the threshold of your office/cube. When shooter slips on that and falls, beat him to death with your tape dispenser.
Or slit his throat with a broken coffee mug.
January 31st, 2013 at 11:18 pm
Bore him to death with a Powerpoint presentation?
January 31st, 2013 at 11:38 pm
And I like the Swingline better, because it doesn’t bind up as much as the Boston staplers, and it has a huge magazine that can hold like 300 staples, and I told the boss he better not move me again, or else I’ll set the building on fire….
January 31st, 2013 at 11:40 pm
So, Sparky, you have the Red Swingline, too?
Mine was a birthday gift.
January 31st, 2013 at 11:42 pm
What does anyone need a stapler that holds 300 staples for????
January 31st, 2013 at 11:43 pm
@45 — OWB, I’m thinking the kind of kitchen scissors that come apart in the middle. I have a pair I got from my Avon lady a very long time ago.
Sawtooth edge on one blade, knife edge on the other, can opener hook on one handle, and the two halves come apart because there is a post where other scissors have a rivet.
February 1st, 2013 at 6:14 am
Glue a good size magnet under your desk or whatever.The magnet should be strong to hold the yet let you pull the scissors off the magnet easily. Does this mean I can work for BAFEy Now, Naw no way. Ps a bigger magnet will hold a pistol. Joe
February 8th, 2013 at 11:16 pm
Your all a bunc of panzy fucks perpetuating the continual lie!
February 8th, 2013 at 11:27 pm
Oh, they’re out from under the bridge again! Quick!!! Get the vinegar!!!!!