Helpful advice from Homeland Security and TSO

| January 31, 2013

Wonderfully helpful article today at the NY Post:

WASHINGTON — Is your workplace getting shot up by a crazed gunman?

No problem — just grab a pair of scissors and fight back!

That’s some of the helpful advice in a new instructional video from the Department of Homeland Security that was posted on the agency’s Web site just a month after the massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Connecticut.

“If you are caught out in the open and cannot conceal yourself or take cover, you might consider trying to overpower the shooter with whatever means are available,” says the narrator in the video, which shows an office worker pulling scissors out of a desk drawer.

Great advice that, but the problem is you can’t run with scissors.

I have helpfully take pictures of some items in my office I intend to use to twart a prospective murderer.

1: Buddha Lamp.
Photo 1

I will brain him with the Buddha lamp. Alternately I could ask him to consider the implications of what the great Buddha taught. Or, lastly, I could throw my coffee at the perp, and then make him hold the lamp. He might get electrocuted if lightening strikes.

2: Creamy Peanut Butter:

Photo 2

I’ve never seen anyone so overwraught with hostility he wouldn’t stop for peanut butter. Also, it will keep his insane ramblings to a minimum if it sticks to the roof of his mouth.

3: Ranger Up crossed rifles:

Photo 3

“You see that crazy person? You know what that means? I went through a week of hand to hand training at Basic, and I am not afraid to use it.”

Unfortunately the thing is semi-permanently affixed to my office wall.

I hope you found this useful.

Category: Politics

Comments (63)

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  1. B Woodman says:

    About as helpful as teats on a boar hog.
    Remember, this is all part of the same gubbment organization as BATFEces, “the gang that couldn’t shoot straight.”

  2. G.W.B. says:

    What, no taking out a crazed workplace gunmen with your penis. And then topping it off by teabbagging them afterwards?
    I mean, come ON!! Sheesh…..

  3. A Proud Infidel says:

    Don’t you have a stapler? Momma told me you could put an eye out with one if you’re not careful!!

  4. Siggurdsson says:

    “Twart?” I’m sorry, I don’t think you know what that word means…

  5. Sig says:

    Sadly, even this diffident suggestion (“You might consider”) is an improvement over the old pravda, which was hide and pray with no thought of resistance.

  6. A Proud Infidel says:

    @1, LOL, “BATFEces” I’m gonna have to borrow that sometime, those boobs are so stupid, they’d ride the #5 bus twice to make up for missing the #10!

  7. Eagle Keeper says:

    You just don’t bring creamy peanut butter to a gunfight.

    Best go chunky, or just weep, beg for mercy and pray for the best.

  8. Whitey_wingnut says:

    They still want you to hide and hope you won’t be detected. If you have no other option they say go for the scissors. By the time you get close enough, you’ll already be shot up and lying on the ground. I got a huge sign I could hopefully defend myself with till I get one of my pocket knifes out.

  9. Jack says:

    We had 1.21 million abortions in the USA last year, and I understand that for those later-term pregnancies, scissors are a doctors weapon of choice. So, to you unborn babies as well as to you incipient mass-murderers, the Surgeon General has determined that scissors are most definitely hazardous to your health.

  10. Curt says:

    I have the Gerber Combat Folder that one of my son’s squad members gave me when they came back from Iraq…then I looked at my desk and saw all the office shit I use. Stamps, staplers, paperclip holder…God, I am such a POG! I should probably just weep and pray, rather than throwing everything I can while trying to get close enough to jab the puke right in the liver…

  11. pete says:

    you better make sure the stapler has only 7 staples in the magazine first!

  12. PintoNag says:

    I’d sling a five pound bottle of hand sanitizer at their head.

  13. Ex-PH2 says:

    TSO, you left out the cast iron skillet on the stove, the cooking spray and butane lighter, and the sword in the library.

    I can see right now that one of my next projects should be the Homegrown Guide to Self-Defense Using Junk.

  14. ChipNASA says:

    I have 3 different bottles of hot sauce and one of em is *BIG* 17 oz squirt bottle of Sriracha.
    Break Out The Flaming Hot Cock!!! LOL!!!

  15. Hondo says:

    Folks: teats on a boar hog are not useless. Lack of same, or inverted ones, prevents registration of some breeds at the National Swine Registry.

  16. Eggs says:

    I’d throw the swear jar at them, but the Air Force took it.

  17. Twist says:

    I’d just give any gunman that breaks in a NCOPD on the NCOER and then quietly slip out when he falls asleep.

  18. Ex-PH2 says:

    I have a better idea. I’ll make them eat my cooking.

  19. marinewm86 says:

    @18 Your a good cook that would be considered aiding the enemy!! LOL

  20. Ex-PH2 says:


  21. Bulldog1 says:

    I only have one question, why did you kill the poor plants in your office? (:

  22. USMCE8Ret says:

    I’ll spin a ruler on top of a pencil. If I do it fast enough, it may fly off and “put someone’s eye out” (so I was told).

    They won’t let me have scissors at work.

  23. Anonymous says:

    So essentially what the Obama retard misinformation is saying is “use a knife in a gun fight” that’s fucking brilliant. Hey only four more years of helpful safety tips from our now progressive government agencies.

  24. Twist says:

    I think it’s about time for somebody to clean their office.

  25. ChipNASA says:

    Double rubber band and bent PAPERCLIP!!!!

  26. ROS says:

    Why is there a jar of peanut butter in your office?

  27. Hondo says:

    ChipNASA: just make sure that bag of paperclips doesn’t have more than 7 in it at one time, and that the rubber-band doesn’t have a pistol grip.

  28. Al T. says:

    Strangely enough, no one ever mentions fire extinguishers. A face full of ammonium phosphate (emphasis on the “hate”) followed by an “Og the caveman” swing to the grape should sort things out.

  29. pete says:

    i’ll use my pink bubble gun with optional thumb hole and evil rail system too hold my 32oz bubble reservoir and flashy light.

  30. What’s with the “Patriots Are Losers” pin up below the rifles? I feel like there’s a story there.

  31. ChipNASA says:

    @27 Hondo,
    LMMFAO. That’s Rich.

  32. Robot Wrangler says:

    Hell I keep a 9mm beside my desk in my office at home.Guess I’m some sort of wierdo.

  33. TSO says:

    @30, a coworker made it and put it up a few years ago when the Colts beat the Pats.

  34. dnice says:

    You f’d if the killer has a rock though.

  35. Twist says:

    @33, I am now a big fan of one of your coworkers. I put a picture on my Pats fans desk of a picture of Tom Brady walking off the field after the first SB loss to the Giants that had the caption “Cheaters never prosper, the Manning brothers do”. Don’t worry though, he retaliated.

  36. Cognos says:

    That’s not a Buddha lamp, it’s a Budai lamp (see ). A good rule of thumb is that Buddha is thin, Budai is fat (despite what the waiters at the old Chinese restaurants might have said).

  37. TSO says:

    @36, great Intel bud, I did not know that. Not sure how I ever missed that, but I very much appreciate it. I noted that Wiki said lots of westerners make that mistake.

    I’ll be working that new knowledge into my next rant you can be sure.

  38. Cognos says:

    No worries TSO. Pretty much everyone thinks that. I really do chalk it up to Chinese restaurants…

  39. Mrs TSO says:

    What Happened to your Aero Garden

  40. TSO says:

    Need new seeds, but my wife hid my credit card.

  41. PintoNag says:

    TSO, if you need a credit card to buy seeds, you probably need a license for what you’re growing! 😉

  42. Siggurdsson says:

    “…my wife hid my credit card”??????????????

    Well, we know who’s large and in charge in *THAT* household…

    Have you given up dipping yet? Or do you still have 20 cups of leavin’s sitting around your office?

  43. Twist says:

    After what you did to the last plant you might need to pass a background check before you can purchase new seeds.

  44. Just Plain Jason says:

    I will use the scream like a bitch and run in circles saying “he shootin'” tactic.

  45. OWB says:

    In the rather obvious category: if you are near a desk from which to retrieve a pair of scissors, would the time it takes to get them perhaps be better used hiding under the desk instead??

    Am seeing some opportunities here for the inventors among us. Do we need some quick-rlease scissors holders for installation on the under sides of desks so that we could both hide ourselves and retrieve scissors in a single move?

  46. FatCircles0311 says:

    Only our government would suggest bringing a knife to a gun fight.

    These clowns.

  47. OWB says:

    Scissors would be a double-barrelled knife, right?

  48. Ex-PH2 says:

    Used cat litter.

  49. pete says:

    i imagine ripping a good,,wet beer fart 1min before he burst into my office! yikes

  50. MAJMike says:

    They’ll get my chunky peanut butter when they pry it out of cold, dead hands.

    “Come and get it!!”

    That said, when I taught World History, I kept a Greek dorie (Hoplite spear) and a Roman pilum in my classroom. Would’ve been epic.