WASHINGTON — Is your workplace getting shot up by a crazed gunman?
No problem — just grab a pair of scissors and fight back!
That’s some of the helpful advice in a new instructional video from the Department of Homeland Security that was posted on the agency’s Web site just a month after the massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Connecticut.
“If you are caught out in the open and cannot conceal yourself or take cover, you might consider trying to overpower the shooter with whatever means are available,” says the narrator in the video, which shows an office worker pulling scissors out of a desk drawer.
Great advice that, but the problem is you can’t run with scissors.
I have helpfully take pictures of some items in my office I intend to use to twart a prospective murderer.
I will brain him with the Buddha lamp. Alternately I could ask him to consider the implications of what the great Buddha taught. Or, lastly, I could throw my coffee at the perp, and then make him hold the lamp. He might get electrocuted if lightening strikes.
2: Creamy Peanut Butter:
I’ve never seen anyone so overwraught with hostility he wouldn’t stop for peanut butter. Also, it will keep his insane ramblings to a minimum if it sticks to the roof of his mouth.
3: Ranger Up crossed rifles:
“You see that crazy person? You know what that means? I went through a week of hand to hand training at Basic, and I am not afraid to use it.”
Unfortunately the thing is semi-permanently affixed to my office wall.
I hope you found this useful.