Helpful advice from Homeland Security and TSO

| January 31, 2013 | 63 Comments

Wonderfully helpful article today at the NY Post:

WASHINGTON — Is your workplace getting shot up by a crazed gunman?

No problem — just grab a pair of scissors and fight back!

That’s some of the helpful advice in a new instructional video from the Department of Homeland Security that was posted on the agency’s Web site just a month after the massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Connecticut.

“If you are caught out in the open and cannot conceal yourself or take cover, you might consider trying to overpower the shooter with whatever means are available,” says the narrator in the video, which shows an office worker pulling scissors out of a desk drawer.

Great advice that, but the problem is you can’t run with scissors.

I have helpfully take pictures of some items in my office I intend to use to twart a prospective murderer.

1: Buddha Lamp.
Photo 1

I will brain him with the Buddha lamp. Alternately I could ask him to consider the implications of what the great Buddha taught. Or, lastly, I could throw my coffee at the perp, and then make him hold the lamp. He might get electrocuted if lightening strikes.

2: Creamy Peanut Butter:

Photo 2

I’ve never seen anyone so overwraught with hostility he wouldn’t stop for peanut butter. Also, it will keep his insane ramblings to a minimum if it sticks to the roof of his mouth.

3: Ranger Up crossed rifles:

Photo 3

“You see that crazy person? You know what that means? I went through a week of hand to hand training at Basic, and I am not afraid to use it.”

Unfortunately the thing is semi-permanently affixed to my office wall.

I hope you found this useful.

Category: Politics

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  1. Joe Williams says:

    With workplace advice like that makes me glad I am retired.An active shooter in my house, will be shot by nearest caliber next to me.

  2. NHSparky says:

    TSO–not allowed to buy “penis flowers” any more?

  3. ex-Army doc says:

    I am amazed that no one has suggested this heretofore unknown lethal weapon:

    Garrotte with the iPhone charger & cable, better known as “the white plastic string of death.”

  4. Ex-PH2 says:

    Dental floss stretched across open doorway near bottom.

    Cooking spray on tile floor.

    Flour or powdered sugar, right in the face.

    Very large ladle, used as a smacking instrument.

  5. MAJMike says:

    Jello pudding spread on the floor at the threshold of your office/cube. When shooter slips on that and falls, beat him to death with your tape dispenser.

    Or slit his throat with a broken coffee mug.

  6. MAJMike says:

    Bore him to death with a Powerpoint presentation?

  7. NHSparky says:

    And I like the Swingline better, because it doesn’t bind up as much as the Boston staplers, and it has a huge magazine that can hold like 300 staples, and I told the boss he better not move me again, or else I’ll set the building on fire….

  8. Ex-PH2 says:

    So, Sparky, you have the Red Swingline, too?

    Mine was a birthday gift.

  9. Eggs says:

    What does anyone need a stapler that holds 300 staples for????

  10. Ex-PH2 says:

    @45 — OWB, I’m thinking the kind of kitchen scissors that come apart in the middle. I have a pair I got from my Avon lady a very long time ago.

    Sawtooth edge on one blade, knife edge on the other, can opener hook on one handle, and the two halves come apart because there is a post where other scissors have a rivet.

  11. Joe Williams says:

    Glue a good size magnet under your desk or whatever.The magnet should be strong to hold the yet let you pull the scissors off the magnet easily. Does this mean I can work for BAFEy Now, Naw no way. Ps a bigger magnet will hold a pistol. Joe

  12. Anonymous says:

    Your all a bunc of panzy fucks perpetuating the continual lie!

  13. Troll Alert!!! says:

    Oh, they’re out from under the bridge again! Quick!!! Get the vinegar!!!!!

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