Of spastic colons, human resources, psychosis and music videos
OK, so yesterday I get an email from HR that informs me that our CEO would like to hold a meeting with every employee tomorrow (which is now today) at 1400 hours. The people not in this building will attend via some sort of teleconference, and there is no clue regarding what said meeting is about.
Now, I have the greatest job ever. Love it. Wouldn’t take another one even if that job was to be the full time sun tan lotion applier to Kate Upton and Tom Brady. The one problem with my job is that it’s the only one of its kind. I basically have the Tigger of sinecures.
The wonderful thing about tiggers
Is tiggers are wonderful things!
Their tops are made out of rubber
Their bottoms are made out of springs!
They’re bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy
Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun!
But the most wonderful thing about tiggers is
I’m the only one
So anyway, said email set off my rampant paranoia. I’m not sure if I am the only one that is this bad, but I would rather they said “We’d like to talk to you about your upcoming termination” than “We’d like to talk to you about something.” I can live with bad news, it is an absence of all news that drives me nuts.
Well, technically what it does is give me the hot trots, and makes it damn near impossible to sleep. Like, I would have hired Michael Jackson’s doctor (or even Kervorkian) last night if it would have guaranteed me a good night’s sleep. Instead of my usually shiny, happy dreams (which oddly feature a lot of “little people”) I dreamed about bad things, like the time I went to class and had the wrong TPS cover sheet on my research paper. And then realized I was naked and had the physical makeup of a Ken doll in the waistular region.
So anyway, I came into work today fully prepared to box up my Eric Gagne bobblehead doll, my not-Buddha light (Budai as I have been informed) and the Aerogarden with dead jalapeno plant. But then I decided to just ride it out. Hey, maybe it’s good news, like maybe the Bobs got together and decided to have Hawaiian Shirt Friday. Unlikely, but so is getting a job like applying sun tan lotion to New England’s Quarterback.
So, I started thinking. If I were to be fired, what are the top 5 videos I want to be watching while someone tries to figure out how to get me out of the building.
I’ve decided on these five:
(Last one corrected, per the lovely and DPS dealing Melle)
February 8th, 2013 at 11:19 am
LOL- Beck tw
February 8th, 2013 at 11:22 am
Fixed.
Meant to have Great Big Sea in the 5 spot.
February 8th, 2013 at 11:24 am
I don’t think they would call a meeting of ALL employees just to fire you….okay, after putting up these videos maybe they would…
February 8th, 2013 at 11:26 am
#2 I thought Beck twice was kinda cute. Like you were reinforcing that one.
Good luck and I hope your paranoia turns out to be just that.
February 8th, 2013 at 11:30 am
Geez, TSO – why a cover instead of REM’s original for the last?
February 8th, 2013 at 11:36 am
Hondo – I love me some Great Big Sea. It ain’t a party until there is a Newfie band in the house!
February 8th, 2013 at 11:40 am
I wonder what Gisele would have to say about your man-crush.
February 8th, 2013 at 11:42 am
TSO: What you were describing sounded more like “The Simpsons” episode where Burns sold the Springfield Nuclear Plant to Germans, and when they reviewed all the employees’ work records, the Germans announced all the job terminations, it was just Homer…
“That is all…”
February 8th, 2013 at 11:47 am
I’ve sat through many company-wide meetings. None of them have ended very well. One good thing is that if this a “bad meeting” it most certainly won’t be bad for only you. Take comfort where you can. Another good thing is that, if your tigger job relates to your employer’s core business, you may not have a thing to worry about.
Maybe your CEO went on “Undercover Boss”!
February 8th, 2013 at 11:49 am
Think you’ve got insecurities, try being a federal employee.
February 8th, 2013 at 11:52 am
The last time I got one of those last minute “everyone” meetings I got extended in Iraq for four months. Not to worry you or anything.
February 8th, 2013 at 11:54 am
Chumbawamba, tubthumping-great song, Marxist assholes.
February 8th, 2013 at 11:59 am
>>Think you’ve got insecurities, try being a federal employee.
Try being jobless.. My husband just retired and both of us have been looking for jobs. We both feel like everytime we submit a resume – we are a onenight stand waiting for the guy to call back..
A lot of companies even successful ones are scared that O was reelected and all the Obamacare regs coming down.
February 8th, 2013 at 12:15 pm
What kind of benefits does the suntan lotion job have? I’m um, asking for a friend…
February 8th, 2013 at 12:16 pm
@14, it’s not bad, but the only opening I can find right now is the one to apply it to Howard Wolowitz’s mom, and it says somewhat enigmatically “Must have experience with paint guns”.
February 8th, 2013 at 12:20 pm
So, why no video from Fitzy? What’s up with that?
February 8th, 2013 at 12:41 pm
I feel for you, TSO. I took a long weekend in late 2000 to go somewhere and came back to find the company I worked for had been sold. We were all assured our jobs ‘will remain intact’ (their words). The reality was that only half of us kept our jobs.
Tubthumping. Good.
Retirement is good, too. I may have a lot of wherewithal, but I have my freedom.
February 8th, 2013 at 12:42 pm
@17 clicked button too soon — that should read ‘may NOT have a lot of wherewithal’. SORRY!
February 8th, 2013 at 12:54 pm
I’ll split the sun-tan lotion job with Sgt. Awesome – he gets Brady, I get Kate.
February 8th, 2013 at 12:57 pm
Becasue Great Big Sea is far more epic, although Cod Liver Oil might have been a better choice for song.
February 8th, 2013 at 12:59 pm
@20, you will recall of course that somewhat oddly Sgt Behnahd O. is friends with REM.
But agreed, love me some GBS.
February 8th, 2013 at 12:59 pm
@ TSO, of course my thought was “Why is Romney asking me to build a stage in the upstairs conference room?”
February 8th, 2013 at 3:06 pm
Chemical Worker’s Song…
“Well it’s go boys go, they’ll time your every breath, and every day you’re in this place you’re two days nearer death!”
February 8th, 2013 at 4:30 pm
TSO: what happened?
February 8th, 2013 at 4:31 pm
I hung out with Kate on Saturday, I would have asked if she needed an assistant if I had known you were a maybe…
February 8th, 2013 at 4:33 pm
@19, I think TSO has dibs on Brady.
February 8th, 2013 at 5:01 pm
All I good. No firng even a meager raise so all is good.
i
February 8th, 2013 at 5:13 pm
TSO: Great! Good news on a Fri afternoon is rare…going back to when we fed the Ashley River noseeums at El Cid’s Friday parades. (’63).
February 8th, 2013 at 5:25 pm
Raises, however tiny, are always good.
February 8th, 2013 at 6:48 pm
We’re down to 4 people so company meetings are pretty much every day at scrum.
We’re closed associated with the newspaper industry (as are our parent companies), so we basically live day-to-day as we try and figure out how to position ourselves for when the papers finally go under.
I love my job and want it to last until I retire. Finding another tech job at my age would be difficult. I also get to work from home most of the time and we no longer work the crazy 80-90 hours a week like other IT companies.
Here’s hoping your company-wide meeting is to announce big bonuses for everyone!
February 8th, 2013 at 8:07 pm
I’m glad to hear that, TSO. I always heard that Friday’s are good days to ask for a raise from the boss, or a good day for the boss to pass bad news (but I didn’t want to say anything earlier, lest you rupture an ulcer or something).
February 8th, 2013 at 8:10 pm
I’d go with Zebrahead, “Playmate of the Year”, uncensored version of course
…
February 8th, 2013 at 11:56 pm
“Red Violin”.
February 9th, 2013 at 12:53 am
The same exact thing happens to me … that’s werid!
February 9th, 2013 at 9:13 am
I hate those meetings that aren’t prefaced with any sort of expectation, good or bad. I get the same way. Glad for you it turned out the way it did… When you first wrote this, we had a conversation at work about “What would you do if you were fired/let go/summarily executed…” It was a funny hour. Someone brought up the “Farewell email” (Warning NSFW)… http://img.gawkerassets.com/img/17zedtpaceajjjpg/original.jpg That’s a funny way to go out assuming you don’t want a reference…
February 10th, 2013 at 2:54 am
35 I call those “ambush meetings”
February 11th, 2013 at 12:03 pm
TSO–I would disagree with you on The Bloodhound Gang video. Not the group, mind you, but I so would have instead used their version of “Fire Water Burn” as it is an excellent cover of that song, and the video…ah, the video…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sw0jF5R6qZY
Granted, that’s just the lyrics version, but VEVO (Piss Be Upon Their Satanic Souls) bleeps everything out.
The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire…