The Duffel Blog: Female infantry commander

| February 20, 2013

First let me say that this is The Duffel Blog which is satire, a fact not recognized by many (including US Sentors). But satirist Drew looks at a female commander in the infantry;

O’Neil was chosen for combat command after distinguishing herself by replacing PT with Zumba classes, outfitting her Marines with different uniforms so no one could argue who wore theirs better, and replacing MRE’s with salads and pints of yogurt.

O’Neil organized a long distance recon, during which she made her Executive Officer, Major Brad Gramble, carry her rucksack and open jars. Unconfirmed sources say she also refused to wear camouflage face paint, claiming it didn’t match her eyes.

“She also said her feet were hurting,” said Gramble, “so she commandeered a Humvee but ended up driving it into a ditch.” She screamed in frustration, prompting her Marines to mutter, “must be that time of the month.”

But you should read the whole thing. Remembering that it’s satire.

Category: Satire

Comments (33)

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  1. steve says:

    hilarious… until it happens.

  2. 2/17 Air Cav says:

    Me, I believe it. What the heck? Obamaman goes skeet shooting all the time, right? And that’s a fact too.

  3. 68W58 says:

    “You know what you did.”

    Oh man, it took me years to break household 6 of that. No honey, I’m not psychic, if I screwed up please tell me and I’ll apologize/fix it/both.

  4. USMCE8Ret says:

    After growing up with 3 sisters and being married for 20 years with 2 daughters of my own, I still can’t read minds. (I’m also teaching my son that he must also realise he can’t read minds either.)

  5. Mud says:

    My experience with Marine Corps. Infantry officers is at odds with this story and the supposed humor of this post. I have had some good ones, and some bad ones, but none of them were prima donnas that esqued laziness, ineptness, or weakness. If they had, it would have taken about 2 seconds for them to be relieved.

    Why do we assume that women who meet the same standards as men to become infantry officers would turn into the stereotypical “blond” at the drop of a pin or the snap of a bullet? Aren’t they Marines first and women second?

    The US Military is the finest example of a functioning meritocracy in the world. Yes there are exceptions, but all in all, the cream rises to the top in any occupational specialty, because at the end of the day, it does matter how well you know your job and how well you perform it.

    Everyone who has heard the snap of the bullet and called “contact front” have seen the least likely among us perform as lions.

  6. Twist says:

    I love how they squeezed a Jessica Lynch reference in there.

  7. Fen says:

    I’m with Mud. As a former Marine (0313) I’m against females in Victor units, but the female Marines I knew were the kind of women you would want next to you for the zombie apocalypse.

    Yes I know its satire, but its not funny.

    There are sound reasons for not allowing women into the 03s. Blonde stereotypes aren’t one of them, and only reinforce the meme that those against have small insecure pricks.

  8. USMCE8Ret says:

    @5 – Hence the reason why the article is “satire”.

  9. Fen says:

    And are those actually Marines he uses in the pic? If so, Drew is a douche for dishonoring them.

  10. Reaperman says:

    I didn’t see the humor in this at all until I opened the link. Somehow the paragraph and a half just before the quote really helped me out on this one.

  11. Ex-PH2 says:

    I think it’s much more likely that women infantry officers will cuss so much they’ll embarrass the men in their charge.

    I foresee very creative and innovative profanity — even cheerful profanity — in the offing, should women be put in this position.

  12. Flagwaver says:

    Okay, this is just kind of freaky after watching the State of the Union Address with Bad Lip Reading… It fits, somehow.

  13. 2/17 Air Cav says:

    CAUTION: RATED R (It would be X if I filled in the blanks.)

    A couple of Fort Jackson quotes I heard about decades ago. The comments were directed at a company of new recruits of the female persuasion:

    “There’s a hundred miles of ______ on this post and you ladies will not see an inch of it.”

    “When I say “Attention!” I better hear nothin’ but your ____________ suckin’ air.”

  14. Hondo says:

    Bit of an exaggeration, 2/17 Air Cav. Even if (hypothetically) populated by John Holmes clones, Jackson never had 487,384 personnel assigned there at one time. (smile)

  15. Medic Who Carries A Ruler says:

    Oh, I dunno about that Hondo….

  16. Old Tanker says:


    I remember basic at Ft. Knox….we had females there as well and after hearing the female Drill Sgt’s all I could think was “dayum, I’m glad I don’t have them for Drill Sgt’s!!”

  17. Ex-PH2 says:

    Old Tanker, I have learned so much from you guys. I have, in fact, learned the fine art of cheerful profanity in at least five different languages so far: English, German, Latin, French, Spanish, and I’m working on Russian and Klingon.

  18. A Proud Infidel says:

    @16, I remember seeing some of the female “Drills” on Ft. Lost-in-the-Woods back in 91, and many of them would make a PO’ed pit bull look like a scared poodle!

  19. FatCircles0311 says:

    As if battalion commanders lead anything to begin with.

  20. Twist says:

    Ex-PH2, I could teach you grunt speak, but you would have to use the F-bomb like the Smurfs use Smurf.

  21. Ex-PH2 says:

    Twist, I may take you up on that. I have one book to finish, and when that’s done, another one that is nearing the halfway mark, and it’s got to be rough to be convincing.

  22. Al T. says:

    “replacing MRE’s with salads and pints of yogurt”

    Being old enough to have memorized where the eggs and ham (and tuna) C Rations were in an upside down case of the same, I’m OK with salads replacing MREs.

  23. NHSparky says:

    Not after that lettuce has been in the bag for a year, you won’t.

  24. malclave says:

    Are we sure this is satire?

  25. I spewed coffee out of my nose when I read that story! So many folks who’ve been elected to office are total retards

  26. Common Sense says:

    @7,16,18 – I’m just an Air Force mom, but I can tell you that MTIs have NOTHING on me when my kids piss me off. And yes, copious amounts of profanity included.

    Although, according to my airman-to-be daughter, being screamed at in Russian by her ballet teacher takes the cake.

  27. Just Plain Jason says:

    I do not think this piece of satire is one bit funny, I will also add that my wife is very beautiful and never needs directions. Her butt does not look big in that dress…

  28. Ex-PH2 says:

    It’s bad enough that I have to debate women in combat with a bunch of combat-experienced grunts, and I’m only trying to point out that it isn’t an unworkable thing if you can get your mind off your crotch. That is something that no one at the top has remotely addressed, and most likely never will.

    It’s worse that it is not being addressed properly, but instead forced down the throats of the people who will have to deal with it at the lowest levels – the guys in the combat lines who will get blown to bits by friendly fire, as happened in Desert Storm (saw that when it happened, didn’t realize it was Lilyea and COB6), and the women who will get unpleasantly labeled one way or another for just being there, whether they deserve those labels or not.

    The debate goes on here, at our level – civilian/military – but it will never reach the idiots who come up with this crap in the Pentagon or SecDef’s office, because they don’t have to deal with. They just pass it on down and expect it to be implemented by you who still serve at the front lines, and whether you like it or not, you have to ‘man up’ and deal with it.

  29. David says:

    “Lt. Colonel JORDAN O’NEILL.”

    That’s the name of Demi Moore’s character in G.I. Jane, for those who didn’t catch that.

  30. Ex-PH2 says:

    @29 – That is incorrect. O’Neill’s rank was Lieutenant Jordan O’Neill.

  31. David says:

    If she was an O3 in 1997 (when the movie came out) it stands to reason that she’d be at least an O5 by now.

    The name is still the same: Jordan O’Neill

  32. Ex-PH2 says:

    Yeah, and she’s in the NAVY, not the army, which means that she would by now be a Commander.

    The rank names in the Navy are as follows:

    Ensign ENS O1
    Lieutenant Junior Grade LTJG O2
    Lieutenant LT O3
    Lieutenand Commander LCDR OP4
    Commander CDR O5
    Captain CAPT O6
    Rear Admiral (Lower Half) RDML O7 (used to be Commodore)(1 star)
    Rear Admiral (Upper Half) RADM O8 (2 stars)
    Vice Admiral VADM O9 (3 stars)
    Admiral ADM O10 (4 stars)
    Fleet Admiral FADM O11 (5 stars)

  33. V.P. Castle says:

    I don’t know what kind of site this is for sure. But the talk of women in combat/infantry and women commanders cussing. That part isn’t shit Jack. Now put them in a platoon like 1/8 Cav. we never went in. Now we are drudging through rice paddies all types of terrain and they have to tinkle or shit. Now does everyone have to turn their heads,or do you just send them in to the Jungle,while everyone waits on them ??
    I suppose you send them to the rear,while raging ? If you get wounded and under fire and can’t walk. Who do you want sent out to grab your pistol belt and carry you back.
    They found out even in the Navy and Airforce the women did not have the upper body strength to hoist bombs up into the aircraft.
    Remember the LOVE BOAT ?