This Week’s Friday Afternoon Funny

| March 1, 2013 | 15 Comments

An acquaintance sent me this, and I thought it worth sharing – thanks, Sam.

Enjoy.

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PUNOGRAPHY

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

PMS jokes aren’t funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro – what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously government’s fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Never fall in love with a tennis player because to a tennis player, love means nothing.

Category: Pointless blather

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  1. Veritas Omnia Vincit says:

    I was studying to become an optometrist, but I couldn’t focus…..

    or my grandson’s favorite….

    I f4rted in church and had to sit in the pew……

  2. zach says:

    Thank you!

  3. PintoNag says:

    How do you confuse a miner? Show him two shovels and tell him to take his pick.

  4. 2/17 Air Cav says:

    Whaddya do Hondo, find 100 Readers Digests in the garage? Jeez. These are so bad they’re funny.

  5. Hondo says:

    2/17 Air Cav: no, I was serious when I said a friend had sent them to me via e-mail. I’ve always liked puns that were so bad they were “groaners”. (smile)

    I might have to try and dig up the other one entitled “French Military History” I found some years ago one day. That one’s pretty good too.

  6. 2/17 Air Cav says:

    OFF TOPIC

    Okay, here’s my Friday contribution. If you go to the link, you will be amazed at what you hear. It’s music to win a war by–or something. If you have headphones, use them. If you have good speakers, so much the better. It’s O Fortuna by Orff and will cost less than 3 minutes out of your life. For an insane listening experience, open the link, hit play, and then open a second link and hit play so the two overlap. It’s wild stuff.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AdIpoE2LEps

  7. Retired Master says:

    Thank You Hondo, great way to end a workweek!!

  8. Anonymous says:

    @5: When puns are so groan-worthy, it’s like a form of pun-ishment.

  9. AW1 Tim says:

    They ought to send you to the Punitentiary for those…….

    That post was 2/3rds of a pun. PU!

    Did you hear the one about the dyslexic devil worshiper who sold his soul to santa?

  10. I told folks I was a seal, but I was a lion and couldn’t bear it.

  11. Let me see if I can improve the wording of my feeble attempt at an original joke that I’ve made up all by self – – – ,

    “I told folks I was a seal, but actually, I was a lion.”

    Now, IF ONLY I can figure out a way to work some other animals into that joke – – – ?

    But, then, I’m not a real comedian – – – , just another wannabee.

  12. Eleos says:

    Excellent! My dad tells awful puns so I sent him the link :)

  13. Devtun says:

    Why was fmr CSA GEN Shinseki so unpopular with soldiers? He would constantly beret them.

  14. Bubblehead Ray says:

    Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic who questioned the existence of doG?

  15. insipid says:

    Lifted from the Twitter feed badjokecat:

    Did you hear about the angry pancake? He just flipped.

    I accidentally swallowed some Tippex last night. Woke up with a massive correction.

    Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? Because he was outstanding in his field.

    What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.

    I tried to catch some fog earlier. I mist.

    I went to a seafood disco last night. I pulled a mussel.

    There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

    A farmer had a wooden tractor, with wooden wheels and a wooden engine. And guess what…… IT WOODEN GO!

    Ever had sex while camping? It’s fucking intents.

    I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.

    How did I get out of Iraq? Iran.

    Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.

    If there are any guitarists here who want to know the secret to making their instrument sound better, stay tuned.

    Urinals. They take no shit.

    I’m really starting to hate these stupid little Russian Dolls. They’re so full of themselves.

    Know any jokes about Sodium? Na.

    Wind turbines. I’m a big fan.

    Diarrhea is hereditary, it runs in your jeans.

    I’ve just started a band called 999 Megabytes. We haven’t done a gig yet.

    Have you heard of the new movie called “Constipation”? It hasn’t come out yet.

    Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher? He couldn’t control his pupils.

    I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery. I’ve had it right up to here with them.

    How do you organise a party in space? You planet.

    What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

    What time do you go to the dentist? Tooth Hurty.

    I can hear music coming out of my printer. I think the paper’s jammin’ again.

    I moustache you a question, but I’ll shave it for later.

    Me and my recliner go way back.

    I love pressing F5. It’s so refreshing.

    What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.

    How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles.

    Why is Peter Pan always in flight? He Neverlands.

    Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called Knees and Toes.

    What did Dr. Dre say when 50 Cent gave him a sweater? Gee, you knit?

    What did the buffalo say to his son when he left? Bison.

    I’ve thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year’s resolution. It’s 1024×768.

    How do you make anti-freeze? Steal her blanket.

    My internet bride got delivered today, she’s the WiFi always dreamed of.

    Why did the baker rob the bank? Because he kneaded the dough.

    My eyelids are so sexy, I can’t keep my eyes off them.

    So, I hear reincarnation is making a comeback.

    Where do cows go at the weekend? To the moovies.

    What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts? Annette.

    One of my friends is a really hardcore raver. She keeps trying to make me rave with her, and she won’t techno for an answer.

    Do you know what’s really important in Santa’s workshop? Elf and safety.

    What did one snowman say to the other snowman? “Can you smell carrots?”

    What’s the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? SNOWBALLS!

    Why was Santa’s little helper feeling depressed? He had low elf-esteem.

    What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinsilitis.

    What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? CLAUStrophobia!

    What do you do when you see a spaceman? Park in it, man.

    People are making apocalypse jokes like there’s no tomorrow.

    Do I know the molecular formula for sodium hydride? NaH.

    “Hiya” is probably the worst greeting you can possibly say to a karate instructor.

    My ex-wife says it was my obsession with horoscopes that Taurus apart.

    What do flies wear on their feet? Shoos.

    What’s Michelle Obama’s favourite vegetable? Barackoli.

    I can’t believe I got sacked from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

    I need to make a pencil drawing of Shakespeare for my art exam. 2B or not 2B?

    I miss my umbilical cord, I grew attached to it.

    Glue: it’s not to be sniffed at.

    I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. A sign read: “Bread in captivity.”

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