This Week’s Friday Funny

| March 8, 2013 | 27 Comments

Thought this one apropos for this week’s Friday funny.  Enjoy.

. . .

French Military History in a Nutshell

Gallic Wars: Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by – of all things – an Italian.

Hundred Years War: Mostly lost, saved at last by a female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare:  “France’s armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman.”

Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country ever to lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion: France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

Thirty Years’ War: France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution: Tied; Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War: Tied.

War of the Augsburg League/King William’s War/French and Indian War: Lost, but claimed as a tie. Deluded Frogophiles the world over label the period as the height of French Military Power.

War of the Spanish Succession: Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.

American Revolution: In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as “de Gaulle Syndrome”, and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: “France only wins when America does most of the fighting”.

French Revolution: Won, primarily due to the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars: Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War: Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France’s ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

WWI: Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it’s like not only to sleep with a winner, but one who doesn’t call her “Fraulein.” Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

WWII: Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina: Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion: Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a Western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare -”We can always beat the French.” This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, and Eskimos.

War on Terrorism: France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe.

. . .

A personal anecdote that seems to fit here.  I once served briefly with a guy whose mother was German (she met and married his dad after World War II).  While he was a kid, his dad was stationed in France on an accompanied tour.

They were in France in 1966.  That was the year de Gaulle pulled France out of NATO and told US forces to leave.

As he told the story, his mom was absolutely livid when she first heard that news.  Then she suddenly got real calm – and muttered to herself, in German-accented English:  “1870 . . . 1914 . . . 1941 . . . ja, it’s about time for us to come back again to teach them some manners!”

Have a great weekend, all!

Category: Pointless blather, Who knows

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  1. Hayabusa says:

    Why are there trees lining the Champs-Elyséés?

    Because the Germans like to march in the shade.

  2. Hayabusa says:

    True story: I was in Kabul one time, observing the graduation ceremony for one of the Afghan National Army battalions. At that time (circa mid-2002), the U.S., Britain, and France were taking turns training the ANA battalions, and this particular unit had been trained by the French. I was standing next to a German Bundeswehr major assigned to ISAF, and as the Afghan battalion was passing in review, he turned to me and said: “Vy in hell are ve letting the French train them? Vat are the French going to teach them, how to surrender?”

  3. 2/17 Air Cav says:

    What’s two arms fully extended over one’s head? A French salute.

  4. Twist says:

    Why didn’t the French really want the US to attack Iraq? They didn’t want their record for surrender broken.

  5. Twist says:

    Q: What does a French military alliance and a French romance have in common?
    A: Both are brief, sordid, and completely meaningless.

  6. 2/17 Air Cav says:

    General Croissant: “Here’s the plan. We build a great barrier between France and Germany. It can’t fail I tell you! The Germans will never get through! Any questions?”

    Lt. Clousseau: “What if they go around it?”

    General Croissant: “Take the Lieuteant out and shoot him. Any other questions?”

  7. Old Tanker says:

    That’s funny right there Hondo!

  8. Red Ghost says:

    I served with a German officer in Kabul. One time at dinner he pulled out his issued muli tool, a German version of a Swiss Army Knife. It was noted there was no cork screw. LTC B (an American) said “I guess that means there are no plans to invade France any time soon”.

  9. NR Pax says:

    Had a buddy mention that it was “Talk Like a Francophone” day. I replied “Ich Übergabe.”

  10. Y’all might be interested in reading what a French soldier thinks of American soldiers.

    Here is the URL:

    http://writesong.blogspot.com/2010/01/french-soldiers-description-of-american.html

    Since I never could find where that originated, I am unable to vouch for its validity.

  11. NR Pax says:

    @10: I remember first seeing that back around ’07 or so.

  12. AW1 Tim says:

    I can get you guys some great deals on cases of French rifles.

    They’ve never been fired, and only dropped once….. :)

  13. AW1 Tim says:

    So a French Admiral and an American Admiral were fkying with their staffs to a NATO conference. They got into a discussion about which country had the bravest sailors.

    The French Admiral said that he would prove how brave a French Sailor was. He called for his Yeoman and said “I want you to jump out of this airplane without a parachute”. The French Yeoman steeled himself, walked to the door, opened it and cried “Vive L’France” and jumped out.

    The American Admiral said “You think that’s brave? Watch this.” He called for his Yeoman “Yeoman Smith… I order you to jump out of this aircraft without a parachute.”

    Yeoman Smith looks up from his magazine, looks to the Admiral and says “Fuck you, Admiral” and goes back to reading”

    The American Admiral turns to the Frenchman and smiles, then tells him to go close the door.

  14. Devtun says:

    May 5 1862, the Battle of Puebla. The Mexican Army defeats occupying French forces. Maybe not the best way to collect debt payments from a delinquint foreign nation…a very very long way from home. Mexico wins decisively, and toss in the creation of the annual celebration Cinco de Mayo to commemorate the victory….oh the pain and humiliation for the Frenchies!

  15. Ex-PH2 says:

    Maximilian Robespierre engineered the French Revolution and the use of the guillotine.

    When Robespierre called for a new purge in 1794, he seemed to threaten the other members of the Committee of Public Safety.

    The Jacobins had had enough.

    Cambon rose in the Convention and said “It is time to tell the whole truth. One man alone is paralyzing the will of the Convention. And that man is Robespierre.”

    Others quickly rallied to Cambon’s support.

    Robespierre was arrested and sent to the guillotine the next day.

  16. NHSparky says:

    Tim–got one for you semi-unrelated:

    A submariner is showing an airedale around the Port Canaveral area, when they come across a bar the bubblehead has been to before. Inside by the corner is a HUGE alligator.

    The submariner smiles and says, “Watch this.” He walks up to the gator, unzips his fly, whips out his crank, and punchest the alligator in the head as hard as he can.

    To the airedale’s amazement, all the alligator does is open his mouth, where the submariner lays his crank in the alligator’s open mouth. In a moment, he takes it out again, put it back in his pants, and again punches the alligator in the head, where all the gator does is slowly close his mouth.

    “You wanna try that?” asks the submariner.

    “Sure,” replies the airedale. “Just don’t punch me in the head so hard!”

    (Thank you, thank you, I’ll be here all week.

  17. Hondo says:

    Devtun: in fairness, Puebla didn’t exactly “turn the tide” of the French intervention in Mexico. The French captured Mexico City in 1863, and Maximilian of Austria ruled Mexico as a puppet state of the 2nd French Empire from 1864-1867. It wasn’t until well after the end of the US Civil War – and a threat of possible US intervention to restore republican government in Mexico – that the French pulled out and left Maximilian to his fate.

    Maximilian was captured and executed by Mexican forces in 1867.

  18. AW1 Tim says:

    NHSparky:

    That’s always a good one, but I heard it as an airdale asking a marine if he wanted to try that. :)

  19. Trent says:

    re: The Wars of Devolution. Are we not French? We are losers!

  20. Hondo says:

    No, we are Devo:

  21. MCPO NYC USN (Ret.) says:

    OK …. call me a hate monger …. I hate the French and got a great laugh reading this!

  22. jonp says:

    What do you call a million Frenchman with their hands in the air?
    The French Army

  23. A Proud Infidel says:

    Have any of you ever seen the French Army’s Battle Flag?
    It’s a white cross on a white background.

    FOR SALE: French Army Combat Rifle, never fired, dropped once.
    CALL BR549!

  24. Edohiguma says:

    In all fairness, Napoleon very likely lost because of some medical issues that diverted his attention during the decisive battles. And don’t forget that it took several alliances to defeat him for good. No country alone could take him. They had to gang up on him.

    It took a Corsican to get the French some success.

    And today Germany’s a lot worse than France could ever be in regards to surrender.

  25. Hondo says:

    Edohiguma: seems to me Russia did a fair job of handling Napoleon in 1812. Any campaign that results in roughly 80% losses for the invader and fails to accomplish its mission isn’t exactly one I’d consider successful, even if the invader wins every battle.

    Napoleon’s Grande Armée is estimated to have numbered over 600k+ when it invaded Russia in June 1812; only somewhat over 100k are estimated to have returned from Russia. Roughly 380k died in Russia and 100k were taken prisoner.

  26. Ex-PH2 says:

    On the island of Corsica, one speaks and mixture of Spanish and French. Thanks to my many, many commutes on the CTA, I now have more Spanish vocabulary than French. When I visit Corsica, I will drop the French and just use Spanish.

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