Navy Announces New Ship

| May 5, 2013 | 28 Comments

The Secretary of the Navy has announced that a new ship will be named in honor of former President William Jefferson “Bill” Clinton.

In a minor break with recent tradition, the ship to be named in honor of former President Clinton will not be an aircraft carrier.  Instead, a next-generation submarine will be named after the former POTUS.

This is not without precedent.  Former Presidents Lyndon Johnson and Franklin Roosevelt are currently honored by having Arleigh Burke-class destroyers named after them.  And many other former US Presidents – including Washington, Jefferson, Madison, Monroe, Jackson, Polk, Lincoln, Grant, Theodore Roosevelt, Wilson, and Carter – have been honored by having Navy submarines named in their honor.  Indeed, the naming of a submarine to honor a former US President has at least as much precedent as does the recent practice of naming an aircraft carrier in a former President’s honor.

When advised of the Navy’s plans, former President Clinton indicated his gratitude and appreciation for the honor, and indicated that he felt a submarine was an appropriate choice.  But he also indicated that using the formal, complete form of his name – e.g., the USS William Jefferson Clinton – would not be his preference for the name of the ship.  The former President indicated he had always found the long form of his name a bit cumbersome; he requested that the Navy come up with a suitable but shorter name for the ship.

Navy officials conferred with several former associates and family members of the former President – including his wife, former First Lady and Secretary of State Hilary Clinton and their daughter Chelsea.  After consulting with these individuals and others over a period of several weeks, a suitable, shorter name for the vessel was determined.

The keel for the new submarine will be laid next year at Electric Boat Shipyard, Groton, CT.  The USS Horndog is expected to be commissioned sometime in 2021.

As an additional honor to the former POTUS, the ship’s crew will wear special headgear vice standard Navy covers.  Specifically, personnel assigned to the ship will have special authority to wear a black beret with special metal insignia depicting a stylized warship in lieu of normal Navy headgear.

 

(Yes, folks – the article above is satire.  S-A-T-I-R-E.)

Category: Satire

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  1. Lobster says:

    “indicated that he felt a submarine was an appropriate vessel.”

    There is a cigar joke there somewhere…. lol

  2. Ex-PH2 says:

    (Face-palm!) Still laughing.

  3. Twist says:

    I figured it had to be satire. No way could the Navy higher ups would have the sense of humor to name a cigar shaped ship after Clinton.

  4. SJ says:

    For satire to be funny, it has to have an element of truth. This was so believable in many ways.

  5. B Woodman says:

    I was hoping that this was satire.
    Especially when I read about the proposed boat being a submarine. All I could think of was (ahem) “going down”. And then, “who would want to be associated with having “served” on (her?) it?” (Other related sexual innuendo jokes followed throughout my brain)

    Well done, well done. Thanks for the chuckle.

  6. sqrlhntr says:

    Is this the Duffle Blog?

  7. Hondo says:

    Dunno about that, Twist. I’m sure many of those guys still vividly remember the Tailhook investigation and its aftermath (it carried over well into the Clinton Administration) – which quite a few observers felt was a huge overreaction if not in a number of cases an outright “witchhunt”. In particular, they likely remember full well how CDR Bob Stumpf was royally screwed over and forced to retire when both the SECNAV and CNO knew he had been investigated and exonerated in order to avoid political trouble.

    There were indeed people who deserved to be slam-dunked after Tailhook – but the incident appears to have been used as an excuse to destroy the careers of many innocent individuals, as well as to further a political agenda. There’s also substantial evidence that at least some of the accusers at Tailhook weren’t exactly angels themselves – and in at least one and possibly two cases, that the accuser was instead a willing participant in Tailhook’s debauchery vice a victim.

  8. DaveO says:

    Pure hilarity!

  9. Beretverde says:

    This is the same guy who wrote about his “loathing of the military”.

  10. 2/17 Air Cav says:

    I suppose the torpedo tubes will be dedicated to Monica Lewinsky.

  11. Hondo says:

    2/17 Air Cav: nah, just the post-mission celebratory cigars. (smile)

  12. Rabak Kabar says:

    I was thinking Hillary would have suggested “Wee Willie” just to get one last shot in before she gets the nod for a Presidential Run…….ewww.

  13. Adirondack Patriot says:

    What long and hard and full of seaman?

    The William Jefferson Clinton.

  14. Roger in Republic says:

    Under the current administration it is becoming more and more difficult to tell the satire from the reality. With the top brass of our military establishment becoming such politically correct sycophants such announcements are becoming the norm. What ever happened to the traditions of the services? PC has killed them all. Who’s next? Sandra Fluck gets a Hospital ship in her name. A Littoral Combat Ship named for Warren Buffit.

    Hell why not open the competition for naming ships to the biggest contributors to Obama’s reelection campaign.
    ASSHATTERY.

  15. Andy says:

    @13,beat me to it. what do you think the crew will nickname the sub? Slick Willie?

  16. NHSparky says:

    The mark of all great satire is that like all great lies it’s 90 percent truth. Murtha. Chavez. Giffords.

    I think I’ve made my point.

  17. Doc Bailey says:

    Can we PLEASE stop naming ships after dickweeds? (USS John Murtha?)

    Seriously what about Bill Clinton seems war-like or inspires troops to fight. I mean sure there’s a lot of don’t ask don’t tell going on aboard subs, but DAMN dude, can we get a USS Thundercock, or a USS ‘Bout to fuck your shit up?

  18. Anonymous says:

    Seems appropriate.

    It’s sneaky. It’s cigar-shaped.

  19. Nik says:

    Bah. #18 was me.

  20. A_Proud_Infidel says:

    Speaking of the USS Jimmy Carter, does anyone know the name of her Surface Support Ship? It’s none other than the USS Walter Mondale, that Vessel simply follows the USS Jimmy Carter, and it goes “belly up” anytime the USS Ronald Reagan is nearby!!

  21. docstew says:

    Has the Navy announced that the tender for the USS Billy Jeff will be the USS Lewinsky? Or that the tender crew has extra personnel for “cleanup” duties?

  22. Crotchity Old Bubblehead says:

    I served on the COCC (City of Corpus Christi) but the crew and everyone below an O-6 called her the COCK!

    The tree huggers that got their panties in a wad when the boat name was first published should have thought about the devious minds of the typical boat sailor that would serve on her. In allowing for the christian aspect of the name the SECNAV provided the best thumb your eye response a Sailor could ever have.

  23. NHSparky says:

    COB…yeah, boats have been given “nicknames” that weren’t exactly PC since, well, forever.

    A few of my personal faves:

    Buffalo–Buttfuckalo
    Pogy–Butt-dart (see ship’s emblem)
    Annapolis–Anal Palace
    Salt Lake City–Slave Labor Camp
    Chicago–Shitcakeo
    San Francisco–Frankenboat
    Batfish–Batshit
    Sam Rayburn–Rugburn

    You get the idea.

  24. ChopIT says:

    Constellation – Constipation
    Kitty Hawk – Shitty Kitty

    I’ll think of some more…

  25. Former 3364 says:

    @NHSparky – You didn’t even mention any of the nicknames we gave the tenders

  26. Former 3364 says:

    The Batboat did have the coolest MBT covers on Pier Mike

  27. NHSparky says:

    That’s true.

    Proteus–Scroteus
    Holland–Ho Land
    Canopus–Can o’ Puss
    Dixon–Dick Some

    And a couple boat names:

    William H. Bates–Bouncing Billy Bates
    Narwhal–Never Where
    Queenfish–Queenfag
    Tautog–Rub N’ Tug
    Guitarro–Mare Island Mud Puppy

    Ah, memories.

  28. MGySgtRet says:

    And from the Amphib side:

    We Marines called the USS Kearsarge the Queer Barge.
    The USS Nashville was called the Trashville (one dirty ship) I went to Grenada/Beirut on the USS Fort Snelling which we called the Fart Smelling (hilarious, I know).
    USS Guadalcanal was called the Anal Canal.

    I had a buddy who served on the sub-tender USS Canopus guarding the weapons. It was called the Can-O-Puss due to the coed crew.

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