The Gospel According To John Moses Browning

| January 23, 2018 | 61 Comments

JMB

Today we celebrate the birthday of John Moses Browning, and his Gospel. Sit you down and harken.

1 In the beginning was the 1911, and the 1911 was THE pistol, and it was good. And behold the Lord said, “Thou shalt not muck with my disciple John’s design for it is good and it workith. For John made the 1911, and lo all of his weapons, from the designs which I, the Lord, gave him upon the mountain.”

2 “And shouldst thou muck with it, and hang all manner of foul implements upon it, and profane its internal parts, thou shalt surely have malfunctions, and in the midst of battle thou shalt surely come to harm.”

3 And as the ages passed men in their ignorance and arrogance didst forget the word of the Lord and began to profane the 1911. The tribe of the gamesman did place recoil spring guides and extended slide releases upon the 1911 and their metal smiths didst tighten the tolerances and alter parts to their liking, their clearness of mind being clouded by lust.

4 Their artisans did hang all manner of foul implements upon the 1911 and did so alter it that it became impractical to purchase. For lo, the artisans didst charge a great tax upon the purchasers of the 1911 so that the lowly field worker could not afford one. And the profaning of the internal parts didst render it unworkable when the dust of the land fell upon it, and these profaners didst try and fit more rounds of ammunition into the magazines than the holy number of seven, appointed for the .45.

5 And lo, they didst install adjustable sights, which are an abomination unto the Lord. For they doth break and lose their zero when thou dost need true aim. And those who have done so will be slain in great numbers by their enemies in the great battle.

6 And it came to pass that the Lord didst see the abomination wrought by man and didst cause, as he had warned, fearful malfunctions to come upon the abominations and upon the artisans who thought they could do no wrong.

7 Seeing the malfunctions and the confusion of men, the lord of the underworld did see an opportunity to further ensnare man and didst bring forth pistols made of plastic, whose form was such that they looked and felt like a brick, yet the eyes of man being clouded, they were consumed by the plastic pistol and did buy vast quantities of them.

8 And being a deceitful spirit, the lord of the underworld did make these plastic pistols, filled with tiny springs and parts that were easily lostc, and they were unmenable to the artisans of earth so they were unable to muck much with the design, and lo these pistols did appear to function.

9 And the evil one also brought forth pistols in which the trigger didst both cock and fire them and which require a “dingus” to make them appear safe.

10 But man being stupid did not understand these new pistols and didst proceed to shoot themselves with the plastic pistol and with the trigger cocking pistols for lo their manual of arms required great intelligence which man had long since forsaken. Yet man continue to gloat over these new pistols blaming evil forces for the negligent discharges which they themselves had committed.

11 And when man had been totally ensnared with the plastic pistol, the lord of the underworld didst cause a plague of the terrible Ka-Boom to descend upon man and the plastic pistols delivered their retribution upon men. And there was a great wailing and gnashing of teeth in the land.

12 Then seeing that the eyes of man were slowly being opened and that man was truly sorrowful for his sinful misdeeds, the Lord did send his messengers in the form of artisans who did hear and obey the teachings of the prophet and who didst restore the profaned 1911s to their proper configuration, and lo, to the amazement of men they didst begin to work as the Lord had intended.

13 And the men of the land didst drive out the charlatans and profaners from the land, and there was joy and peace in the land, except for the evil sprits which tried occasionally to prey on the men and women of the land and who were sent to the place of eternal damnation b by the followers of John.

Now go ye forth and sin no more.
Amen.

Thanks to Friar Frog

Category: Holidays

Comments (61)

Trackback URL | Comments RSS Feed

  1. A Proud Infidel®™ says:

    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMEN!!

  2. IDC SARC says:

    Freedom Boner!

  3. Docduracoat says:

    All hail Saint Browning !
    And his disciples, Garand and Stoner!
    All thanks and praise for the gifts of the 1911, the mighty M1 and the M 16

  4. Mick says:

    Put your hands on the computer monitor and preach it, Brother!

    Hallelujah!

  5. The Stranger says:

    Hallelujah! Preach it, brother!

  6. 1610desig says:

    I have several of his “off-spring”…namely no-shit Colt 1911s and FN P-35/HiPowers….incredibly, they still hold their own as practical sidearms…and are actually beautiful as well as deadly….form meets function

  7. Atkron says:

    I was sadly disappointed that Navy Boot Camp at RTC San Diego had 1911’s bored down to .22 caliber in 1988.

    • USAFRetired says:

      The Colt Ace was made from the early 30 to post WWII and was available as either a conversion kit or bought as is to be a model 1911 chambered for .22 LR. Today or at least in the not too distant past Kimber was marketing a .22LR conversion kit for the Govt model 45.

      In college our pistol team had about a half dozen High Standard Military Citation a 22.LR with the same grip ergonomics as the 1911. That way we could easily transition when shooting 3 gun matches.

      I don’t shoot Bullseye any more and to use Col Jeff’s term I’m not a big crunchenticker fan. I have both a Series 80 Combat Commander in .45 ACP (with adjustable sights) and a Glock in 40 S&W.

      John Moses Browning is a emissary of the supreme being.

  8. Bernie hackett says:

    Brothers and Sisters, the truth shall keep you free! And the ungodly will receive their reward, in the lake of eternal misfunction! Where the round never fires, and bad stuff happens! Yea, verily!

  9. Roh-Dog says:

    1911? They STILL make THOSE?!
    Hahahahahahah!
    Kidding.
    You guys can hump ‘em if you want, I’ll stick to my Austrian Block. (Speaking of, I do not like that the trigger return spring anchors on a tinyass piece of plastic, seems stupid…)
    1911 are a great fighting pistol, ask the Moros, Germans, Japanese, Vietcong, North Koreans, Chicoms…

  10. MCPO NYC USN Ret. says:

    That is some funny shitz on thus harkened happiest day thee thy Lord.

    I am printing this and posting it at gun club.

  11. Steve says:

    XD LOVE IT

    I couldn’t hit a thing with the 1911 when I had a go last year. I couldn’t get a good grip on it and it bucked all over the place.

  12. Reverend Pointy Head says:

    Well put, AW1Ed. That’s my new nightly prayer.
    Here’s a great episode of one of my favorite shows about John Browning from the days when the History Channel had series involving, you know, history.
    The late great Ian V. Hogg has a few spots of commentary as well.

    • USMC Steve says:

      I have one of these heavy bastards. I really like it. I retrofitted it back to the original early WW2 version as would have been carried by Marines in the Pacific. Tis truly beautiful.

  13. Thunderstixx says:

    This is great, absolutely great !!!

  14. The Other Whitey says:

    The Lord worked through His servant Saint John Moses, bringing forth holy instruments of righteous leadslinging: the Winchester ‘87, ‘92, ‘94, and 97, the venerated BAR, the Ithaca 37, the HiPower, the holy M2 .50-cal and it’s righteous .30-cal cousins, and the Divine Pistol, the 1911.

    If polymer was so great, God would have commanded Saint John Moses to invent it.

  15. 26Limabeans says:

    Pre war commercial Colt.
    Born in 1938.
    Carried for decades.
    I love it when the hot brass goes down the
    back of my shirt.
    God bless Mr. Browning.

  16. Frank says:

    Everyone knows that JMB’s last firearm was his greatest work.
    Behold, the Hipower!

    • Martinjmpr says:

      Have to concur with this. The Hi Power is superior to the 1911 in every way. Even the copy that I have (an FEG 35, AKA the Hungarian Hi Power) is an amazing pistol.

      Not crazy about the magazine safety but I’ll take that over the swinging toggle link and unnecessary grip safety on the 1911.

      • The Other Whitey says:

        My first sidearm was an Inglis HiPower. Then I got my first 1911 and gave the HiPower to my little sister.

        Actually, I kind of miss that HiPower. It hammerbit me on every shot, but it was a cool gun. Lately my sister has made blasphemous threats about purchasing a glock. I keep warning her that I will repossess the HiPower when I disown her.

        Interestingly enough, several years of design and development work remained undone on the HiPower when Saint John Moses Browning ascended to Heaven. It was finished by his protege, Dieudonne Saíve. Browning taught Saíve everything he knew, and Saíve later went on to design the FN FAL. Saíve taught a guy named Ernest Vervier everything that Browning taught him, and Vervier went on to use that knowledge to develop the M240, which internally is essentially a BAR with the bolt flipped upside-down and adapted for belt feed.

        • RGR 4-78 says:

          I bought a FN HighPower in 1980, still have it. I told my son I wanted to be buried with it, he had a few choice words for me then said no.

          • The Other Whitey says:

            Mine was a No.2 Mk1, stamped Royal Canadian Mounted Police. Well worn, still solid. And just tight enough to Lee the dirt out without being temperamental. Only real downside was the constant hammer bite that left me bleeding if I fired more than five rounds at a time.

            I like my 1911s better, but it’s still a cool gun.

  17. PLASTIC DUCK says:

    Thou shalt not forget Cold Steel for verily I say unto you, it strikes the Fear of God into the hearts of thine enemy and they shalt not prevail.

  18. 26Limabeans says:

    And the takedown scratch shall be deemed a menial sin for those not yet reasoned but a mortal and fatal sin for the seasoned.

  19. Ex-PH2 says:

    You people are gun nutz.

    I see nothing wrong with the use of a 9 inch cast iron skillet, which serves multiple purposes. You can’t cook a hamburger with a gun, and using a cast iron skillet does not require a search and recover for spent casings or a post-emission nap to recover from the smell of gunpowder.

    Thus I have said it. So shall it be.

  20. Wilted Willy says:

    All hail the BAR!

    • Jeff LPH 3, 63-66 says:

      The Okie 3 carried BAR’S as well as the other WW2 weapons while I was on board between 63-66. I have a reprint of the 67 cruise book with a Browning .30 belt fed MG mounted on a railing while the ship was anchored out in Cam ron Bay 1967.

  21. jim h says:

    amen. preach the good word, brothers.

  22. just some feller says:

    I had to pass this Gospel along to a Catholic priest I know who has his CCW, wears black-tactical with a priest collar, and prays the Traditional Latin Mass (in addition to the modern post-1960s Mass).

    I think he carries (for shame) a Glock. Perhaps after reading this Gospel, Father shall have a “Come to Browning Moment” and see the true light.

    JSF

  23. Jeff LPH 3, 63-66 says:

    I bought a Colt 1911 70 series Gold cup back in 72 or 74 which I used when Brink’s had their pistol team. Problem with that model was that the pin that held the rear sight to the slide used to break so after a couple of hundred rounds or so, I replaced it with a 16th in. roll pin. If I shot hard ball, I used the standard recoil spring and if I shot target semi wads, I used the shorter coiled recoil spring. Also used a S&W Mod. 14, .38cal., 6 in. barrel with a Bo mar rib and rear sights for Police L (X shooting).

  24. That Guy says:

    And the lord looked down upon his flock, who had equipped themselves with the lord’s greatest work, and he saw that it was good.

    Amen.

  25. Sparks says:

    My favorite handgun, of all I own, is my 1911 without doubt.

  26. JacktheJarhead says:

    John Browning has had the longest serving Weapons Platform in the US Military, the Browning M2 Heavy Machine Gun. He created the .32 ACP, .380 ACP and the .45 ACP. He had several of the top selling pistols in history, FN 1900, Colt 1903, Colt 1908 and the 1911. Funny thing most people think the 1911 came out of one design. It took 12 years for what became the 1911 to come to fruition. His Model 1903 .38 Automatic stayed in production until 1926. I currently own 4 1911 Pistols in various calibers. But I no longer carry one. Carrying an all steel gun for 12 hours a day is for young guys, not almost 60 year olds. I still shoot my 1911s but I carry a Glock 19, my old body can handle that a bit better.

  27. RCAF_CHAIRBORNE says:

    He is the only man who even comes close to the Mauser Bro’s

  28. E-65 type, 1 ea says:

    You’re going on and on about a stupid little pistol. FFS, the man designed the M-2 fer Chrissakes! Now THAT’S a fucking weapon!

  29. E-6 type, 1 ea says:

    You’re going on and on about a stupid little pistol. FFS, the man designed the M-2 fer Chrissakes! Now THAT’S a fucking weapon!

  30. SFC D says:

    Every man who has ever fired Ma Deuce remembers his first time… 😉

  31. A Proud Infidel®™ says:

    God Bless Saint John Moses Browning of the Firearm!

  32. RCAF_CHAIRBORNE says:

    Paul and Willie Mauser developed the 98 Mauser bolt action(which is still the norm today) and the first practical auto pistol, the C96.

    If it weren’t for the 98 action, you would have been stuck with the Krag for years. The 1903 Springfield was an unlicensed 98 Mauser copy which the US was made to pay royalties. Then WW1 put an end to that!

  33. RCAF_CHAIRBORNE says:

    Although… to American credit, the easy to use rear sights on the 1903 were a significant improvement of the original 98 Lange Visir sights.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *