Good news for TSO

| April 9, 2012

The folks at Duffel Blog (remember it’s satire) recount a Pentagon study on beards in combat;

“We took 100 soldiers. 25 were Special Forces qualified and had beards, 25 were Special Forces qualified without beards, 25 were regular Army allowed to grow beards for the study, and the last 25 were regular Army without beards. All 100 of these subjects were in direct combat in Afghanistan during the study.”

He continued, “Xegis Solutions had several teams of researchers embedded with these troops to make observations on their combat effectiveness. The results were overwhelming, out of the 50 soldiers with beards, zero were wounded or killed and they had a significantly higher accuracy of fire than the soldiers without beards. The soldiers lacking beards had a higher rate of weapons malfunctions and basically, shit went wrong most of the time.”

Go read the rest.

Category: Satire

Comments (21)

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  1. Mr Wolf, non-Esquire says:

    But those wearing mohawks AND a beard?

  2. NHSparky says:

    Wolf–too many variables. Negative correlation and all that.

  3. Old Tanker says:

    Thank YOU Chuck Norris!!!

  4. Just Plain Jason says:

    Duh I have been saying that for years! Beards are better…now if I could just get Mamma Bear 6 to listen to my logic!

  5. PintoNag says:

    @4 Jason: Take it from a gal who’s a reformed beard-hater. Bribe Mamma to let you grow it, give her the control by saying you’ll shave it if she doesn’t like it, and then grow your beard. You’ll have a convert on your hands in no time.


  6. For some of the jobs we had in Iraq we had a memo that said we could grow one. I hate the first few days of itching, so I didn’t grow one. Some thought it made them do a better job (Mess Kit Repair) it didn’t.

  7. Cakmakil says:

    After over 20 years of shaving every day, the first thing I did when I retired was to grow some facial hair. That was two years ago and I still have it. I wouldn’t shave it for anything.

  8. ponsdorf says:

    Satire or not they shoulda used CUTE as criteria as well.

  9. Just Plain Jason says:

    Pinto I have tried many times with no avail. Beards are a no go in our AO… Oh and regulation mostaches lead to mistaken identity for Pedos 96% of the time.

  10. CavScoutCoastie says:

    Did the study address kilts vs non-kilts?

  11. Just Plain Jason says:

    Son of a bitch Coastie….a perfect opportunity missed!

  12. malclave says:

    Are we talking beards as in facial hair, or beards as in covering for sexual orientation here?

  13. ponsdorf says:

    malclave #12: That IS a kinda iffy question.

  14. Flagwaver says:

    See, I’d sign back up if I could wear a kilt as part of my kit. But they’d never do that. There would be too many local females complaining…

    complaining of the small caliber of their husbands’ equipment!

  15. 509th Bob says:

    But those with kilts, with their balls swinging in the wind, experienced a higher degree of weapon proper-functions, often resulting in zero malfunctions. The sheep, of course, ran loose like crazy. Men with beards were bad, but men with KILTS were very, very BAAAAAAAD!

  16. 509th Bob says:

    I was a Kilt Wearing Airborne Infantryman (KWAI). I had a river named after me. Some British queers decided to build a bridge over me, but some cheeky bastard blew it up. Sometimes they play the movie on TV. Claymore can tell the WHOLE story, cuz he was there with me the entire time! They never did award me the Medal of Honor, liked they promised. I’ll write my congressman.

  17. 509th Bob says:

    Did I mention that Obi Wan Kenobi blowed up the bridge over the river KWAI?

  18. malclave says:


    Kilt-wearing Airborne?

    You didn’t get the Medal because everyone who saw you went blind, so nobody could confirm the story. Next time try wearing something under the kilt.

  19. 509th Bob says:

    Ask Claymore!! He wasn’t whistling! He was there! He can tell the WHOLE story!

  20. semper says:

    I had an awesome active duty beard in helmand, my teammates and I looked great. Although it did not impress a single pashtun…not a soul. Beards, CIRAS kits, cans, mk 18’s…

  21. mud says:

    This isn’t too far off from being plausible. In ’03 Mattis had everyone grow ‘staches to impress the locals. Before we fixed bayonets in 1st Fallujah we had to shave ’em off though.