Of spastic colons, human resources, psychosis and music videos

| February 8, 2013

OK, so yesterday I get an email from HR that informs me that our CEO would like to hold a meeting with every employee tomorrow (which is now today) at 1400 hours. The people not in this building will attend via some sort of teleconference, and there is no clue regarding what said meeting is about.

Now, I have the greatest job ever. Love it. Wouldn’t take another one even if that job was to be the full time sun tan lotion applier to Kate Upton and Tom Brady. The one problem with my job is that it’s the only one of its kind. I basically have the Tigger of sinecures.

The wonderful thing about tiggers
Is tiggers are wonderful things!
Their tops are made out of rubber
Their bottoms are made out of springs!
They’re bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy
Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun!
But the most wonderful thing about tiggers is
I’m the only one

So anyway, said email set off my rampant paranoia. I’m not sure if I am the only one that is this bad, but I would rather they said “We’d like to talk to you about your upcoming termination” than “We’d like to talk to you about something.” I can live with bad news, it is an absence of all news that drives me nuts.

Well, technically what it does is give me the hot trots, and makes it damn near impossible to sleep. Like, I would have hired Michael Jackson’s doctor (or even Kervorkian) last night if it would have guaranteed me a good night’s sleep. Instead of my usually shiny, happy dreams (which oddly feature a lot of “little people”) I dreamed about bad things, like the time I went to class and had the wrong TPS cover sheet on my research paper. And then realized I was naked and had the physical makeup of a Ken doll in the waistular region.

So anyway, I came into work today fully prepared to box up my Eric Gagne bobblehead doll, my not-Buddha light (Budai as I have been informed) and the Aerogarden with dead jalapeno plant. But then I decided to just ride it out. Hey, maybe it’s good news, like maybe the Bobs got together and decided to have Hawaiian Shirt Friday. Unlikely, but so is getting a job like applying sun tan lotion to New England’s Quarterback.

So, I started thinking. If I were to be fired, what are the top 5 videos I want to be watching while someone tries to figure out how to get me out of the building.

I’ve decided on these five:

(Last one corrected, per the lovely and DPS dealing Melle)

Category: Politics

Comments (37)

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  1. melle1228 says:

    LOL- Beck tw

  2. TSO says:

    Meant to have Great Big Sea in the 5 spot.

  3. Old Tanker says:

    I don’t think they would call a meeting of ALL employees just to fire you….okay, after putting up these videos maybe they would…

  4. melle1228 says:

    #2 I thought Beck twice was kinda cute. Like you were reinforcing that one. 🙂

    Good luck and I hope your paranoia turns out to be just that.

  5. Hondo says:

    Geez, TSO – why a cover instead of REM’s original for the last?

  6. TSO says:

    Hondo – I love me some Great Big Sea. It ain’t a party until there is a Newfie band in the house!

  7. Twist says:

    I wonder what Gisele would have to say about your man-crush.

  8. Siggurdsson says:

    TSO: What you were describing sounded more like “The Simpsons” episode where Burns sold the Springfield Nuclear Plant to Germans, and when they reviewed all the employees’ work records, the Germans announced all the job terminations, it was just Homer…

    “That is all…”

  9. royh says:

    I’ve sat through many company-wide meetings. None of them have ended very well. One good thing is that if this a “bad meeting” it most certainly won’t be bad for only you. Take comfort where you can. Another good thing is that, if your tigger job relates to your employer’s core business, you may not have a thing to worry about.

    Maybe your CEO went on “Undercover Boss”!

  10. Anonymous says:

    Think you’ve got insecurities, try being a federal employee.

  11. Twist says:

    The last time I got one of those last minute “everyone” meetings I got extended in Iraq for four months. Not to worry you or anything.

  12. 68W58 says:

    Chumbawamba, tubthumping-great song, Marxist assholes.

  13. melle1228 says:

    >>Think you’ve got insecurities, try being a federal employee.

    Try being jobless.. My husband just retired and both of us have been looking for jobs. We both feel like everytime we submit a resume – we are a onenight stand waiting for the guy to call back..

    A lot of companies even successful ones are scared that O was reelected and all the Obamacare regs coming down.

  14. Sgt Awesome says:

    What kind of benefits does the suntan lotion job have? I’m um, asking for a friend…

  15. TSO says:

    @14, it’s not bad, but the only opening I can find right now is the one to apply it to Howard Wolowitz’s mom, and it says somewhat enigmatically “Must have experience with paint guns”.

  16. AW1 Tim says:

    So, why no video from Fitzy? What’s up with that?

  17. Ex-PH2 says:

    I feel for you, TSO. I took a long weekend in late 2000 to go somewhere and came back to find the company I worked for had been sold. We were all assured our jobs ‘will remain intact’ (their words). The reality was that only half of us kept our jobs.

    Tubthumping. Good.

    Retirement is good, too. I may have a lot of wherewithal, but I have my freedom.

  18. Ex-PH2 says:

    @17 clicked button too soon — that should read ‘may NOT have a lot of wherewithal’. SORRY!

  19. Anonymous says:

    I’ll split the sun-tan lotion job with Sgt. Awesome – he gets Brady, I get Kate.

  20. S6R says:

    Becasue Great Big Sea is far more epic, although Cod Liver Oil might have been a better choice for song.

  21. TSO says:

    @20, you will recall of course that somewhat oddly Sgt Behnahd O. is friends with REM.

    But agreed, love me some GBS.

  22. S6R says:

    @ TSO, of course my thought was “Why is Romney asking me to build a stage in the upstairs conference room?”

  23. freddyboomboom says:

    Chemical Worker’s Song…

    “Well it’s go boys go, they’ll time your every breath, and every day you’re in this place you’re two days nearer death!”

  24. SJ says:

    TSO: what happened?

  25. VTWoody says:

    I hung out with Kate on Saturday, I would have asked if she needed an assistant if I had known you were a maybe…

  26. Twist says:

    @19, I think TSO has dibs on Brady.

  27. Tso says:

    All I good. No firng even a meager raise so all is good.

  28. SJ says:

    TSO: Great! Good news on a Fri afternoon is rare…going back to when we fed the Ashley River noseeums at El Cid’s Friday parades. (’63).

  29. Ex-PH2 says:

    Raises, however tiny, are always good.

  30. Common Sense says:

    We’re down to 4 people so company meetings are pretty much every day at scrum.

    We’re closed associated with the newspaper industry (as are our parent companies), so we basically live day-to-day as we try and figure out how to position ourselves for when the papers finally go under.

    I love my job and want it to last until I retire. Finding another tech job at my age would be difficult. I also get to work from home most of the time and we no longer work the crazy 80-90 hours a week like other IT companies.

    Here’s hoping your company-wide meeting is to announce big bonuses for everyone!

  31. USMCE8Ret says:

    I’m glad to hear that, TSO. I always heard that Friday’s are good days to ask for a raise from the boss, or a good day for the boss to pass bad news (but I didn’t want to say anything earlier, lest you rupture an ulcer or something).


  32. Former3c0 says:

    I’d go with Zebrahead, “Playmate of the Year”, uncensored version of course :P…

  33. Ex-PH2 says:

    “Red Violin”.

  34. MCPO SNOW USN (Ret.) says:

    The same exact thing happens to me … that’s werid!

  35. Hellboy says:

    I hate those meetings that aren’t prefaced with any sort of expectation, good or bad. I get the same way. Glad for you it turned out the way it did… When you first wrote this, we had a conversation at work about “What would you do if you were fired/let go/summarily executed…” It was a funny hour. Someone brought up the “Farewell email” (Warning NSFW)… http://img.gawkerassets.com/img/17zedtpaceajjjpg/original.jpg That’s a funny way to go out assuming you don’t want a reference…

  36. DAve says:

    35 I call those “ambush meetings”

  37. NHSparky says:

    TSO–I would disagree with you on The Bloodhound Gang video. Not the group, mind you, but I so would have instead used their version of “Fire Water Burn” as it is an excellent cover of that song, and the video…ah, the video…


    Granted, that’s just the lyrics version, but VEVO (Piss Be Upon Their Satanic Souls) bleeps everything out.

    The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire…