Why I am not napping in my tent at Gitmo….

| August 22, 2013

OK, so I kind of feel like hell today.  I’m not saying I got sick from eating a sandwich at Subway yesterday, but I’m definitely not *NOT* saying that as well, if you get my drift and I think you do.  So, I kind of want to go sleep.

But, in yet another in our interminable discussions on handling of classified materials and testimony, a fairly interesting colloquy came up.  Now, remember that on Day 1 we discussed a case of volcanic shits, on Day 2 we talked about the lack of Olives and Honey constituting heinous psychological terror, and yesterday if you missed it, a guard allegedly smuggled in 50 Shades of Grey to set up a detainee or some other bullshit.  (This caused me to snark to a fellow attorney that “This is getting 50 Shades of Ridiculous.” His response: “getting? . . . we crossed that line the 10th hour into the arraignment.”)

So anyway, today they are talking about what happens if an article in a magazine is potentially classified, and the defense attorney needs to discuss it with his/her client….  So the example they used was “How to Make a Bomb in your Mom’s Kitchen” from the magazine Inspire.  This is where I sat up.  And then one of the defense attorneys and the judge started talking about what would happen if they had to subpoena the author of that piece.

I’ll tell you what would happen if he showed up:  I’d run faster than Usain Bolt to get the fug out of here.  Dude that wrote that was My Pet Jawa’s buddy Samir Khan, who got turned into a fine red mist about 2 years ago from watching 98 straight hours of Spongebob, and getting a hellfire missile shot up his ass, mostly the hellfire up his ass.  So if that mofo shows up, it means we’ve gone total World War Z, and I’m the only dickhead on this island without either firearms or a metal cage around me that could be protective.

So, now I’m too afraid of Zombies to sleep, I’ve been shitting like bin Attash, and I don’t get the cartoon channel here.  So I guess I’ll sit my happy ass right here and hope old Sami boy doesn’t get called to teh stand.


Category: Politics

Comments (22)

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  1. Smitty says:

    that is epic TSO, keep the reports coming.

    are ya sure the 98 hours of sponge bob didnt kill him before the hellfire made its way up his rectal cavity? has the UN conducted an investigation to determine if he was actually still alive when the hell fire made such a rude entrance into his digestive system? were rape and sodomy charges filed against the hell fire in international court? this whole red mist zombie angle has too many unanswered questions

  2. Ex-PH2 says:

    You did not take pepto with you. This is the consequence of not taking pepto with you and eating foreign foods.

    Don’t worry, TSO. You’ll wake up on Saturday and realize that it’s 28 days later and everyone has either been zombified or disappeared.

  3. MCPO NYC USN (Ret.) says:

    So if you are NOT saying that (and if today is opposite day) then you got a bad sandwich full of salmonella. And if today is NOT opposite day … then you were over-served at the club last night!

    Great reporting!

  4. OWB says:

    Now aren’t you glad it was only a 6″ sub?

  5. LostOnThemInterwebs says:

    Hey TSO be careful with that food dude, I’ve heard you can catch them PTSD from bad sandwiches and stuff … did you order your subway with honey?

    I love this updates, keep them up! You are doing awesome work!!

  6. LIRight says:

    Note to self: if TSO is licensed to practice in NY use HIM for all future legal matters.

    Great article….almost spit my coffee, though.

  7. ChipNASA says:

    Doesn’t your beard have mystical healing powers??

  8. NHSparky says:

    I thought the beard would have filtered out those Cuban germs.

    When you’re eating bad Subway, then your bowels are giving way, diarrhea…diarrhea…

  9. NHSparky says:

    Hey, I’ve got one for the hippies down there: What do you call a vegan with diarrhea? A SALAD SHOOTER!

  10. Nik says:

    I’ll sit my happy ass right here

    Gee, whenever I get the shits, my ass is anything but happy.

  11. ChipNASA says:


    /that will tighten him up but QUICK.

  12. FormerUSN says:

    Get better TSO. Go to sickbay if you don’t improve quick. I almost died from some freaking “gas station” pork once in Sicily.

    On the lighter side, you write great when you’re miserable. Must be the soldier genes.

  13. Veritas Omnia Vincit says:

    @11 or some good ole’ C-Rat cheese spread….it passes through your intestinal tract relatively unharmed on its’ way to becoming a tacky, cork-like material….

  14. Heidi says:

    TSO is funny as shit:-)

  15. Veritas Omnia Vincit says:

    Of course if you’re all cleaned out it’s a good time to schedule that colonoscopy…

  16. Trent says:

    I should have warned you about the Subway down there. It was shut down at least twice due to ‘outbreaks’ of what you are currently experiencing while I was there.

  17. GunzRunner says:

    TSO I believe that I have a couple of these http://www.mreinfo.com/forums/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=4485 in my zombie apocalypse survival kit. Guaranteed to stop you up!! I’ll get them shipped out to you today!

  18. Mrs TSO says:

    Now aren’t you glad the PFC only brought you a 6 in sub?

  19. RM3(SS) says:

    next time try the halal. or not. LOL

  20. Ex-PH2 says:

    Stop drinking the water, TSO.

    Do what the Froggies do: drink only bottled water.

  21. Roger in Republic says:

    TSO, I’ll bet the PFC gave you the wrong hogie. He gave you the one intended for one of the defendants. It might have been inadvertent, or perhaps not. The PFC might be a THL reader and took offence at your earlier hogie post, I’m just say’n.

  22. Ex-PH2 says:

    Frozen snickers will keep your stomach and your brain happy.