Brian Nottoli; phony Army Ranger

| April 17, 2017

Someone sent us their work on this Brian Nottoli fellow who claims in his dating profile at Plenty of Fish to be an Army Ranger;

The Army doesn’t remember him being a Ranger – they barely remember him at all;

Three-and-a-half-months in the a Fort Benning OSUT company does not equate to Ranger training. But then he has the National Defense Service Medal and we all know they don’t hand those out to just anyone.

Category: Phony soldiers

Comments (51)

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  1. Ex-PH2 says:

    Do we have enough of these clutterbuckets to make up a brigade yet? We might need them if the Norks get any more frisky. If they really want the glory, they’re gonna have to pony up for it.

    • PrevMed says:

      I think there’s enough to make a whole Division

    • Ex-PH2 says:

      Well, that’s enough to put them right into training for a dustup in North Korea or the Middle East, isn’t it?

      Think of it! The Glory! The Looting! The Pillaging! The real fake shrapnel wounds they could show off!

      • Graybeard says:

        I think on-the-job training on the border of Afghanistan and Pakistan would be the ticket.

        Air-drop them in and let them fight their way out.

        • The Old Maj says:

          We have to. There are not enough CSS/CS phonies to support a Division of hardened phony trigger pullers. Nobody wants to pretend to be a cook, supply specialist or personnel clerk.

  2. Silentium Est Aureum says:

    11 1/2 months in DEP. Biggest problem children on the planet, especially if they were an, “Orphan DEPper.”

    It got to the point I didn’t want to see an 11S until about March, and then I wanted them all to ship before July.

  3. 19D2OR4 - Smitty says:

    How the hell did he only get Marksman with the hand grenade?

    As long as you don’t manage to blow yourself up and you throw it the right direction you basically get expert with it.

  4. Graybeard says:

    Real high-speed low-drag dude, isn’t he?

    Wish he’d meet some real Rangers in a dark alley.

  5. Combat Historian says:

    Not an Army Ranger, more like an army stranger, as in he hardly knew or learned anything about the Army before they booted his ass out of OSUT…

  6. Sj says:

    Last week was SEAL week at TAH. This week is Rangers?

    • Mick says:

      Whew! We finally have a Stolen valor poser who does not claim to be a SEAL. All of that phony SEAL nonsense last week was killin’ me.

      Still waiting for the phony Force Recon Marines and phony Marine Scout Snipers to up their game and get back into the Stolen Valor competition as well.

    • Skippy says:

      Army was feeling left out so the turds are stepping up to correct the imbalance

  7. Claw says:

    354 days in DEP. 109 days active duty. Marksman with Rifle and Hand Grenade. Graduate of the grueling Military Justice class.

    Batting above the Gunga Dan line and has the highly coveted NDSM to show for his time in Hell.

    All the qualifications are checked off the list of requirements to being named a Five Ton Chock Block and all around Joe Shit the Rag Man.

    Thanks for your “service”./s

  8. Frankie Cee says:

    I dream of the day that I can sucker one of these phony rangers into going out to Camp James E. Rudder, and taking them into the Gator Lounge so they can tell some E-7 and E-8 Real Rangers their stories.

    • Graybeard says:

      I’d pay to see that.

    • Mike Kozlowski says:

      … Myself, just ONCE I’d like to show up at their home and tell ’em, “We’re here from the Army, you’ve been recalled under Army Regulation E642-1, come on with us, we,be got a full set of gear wait until for you.”

      And then watch the fun…..


    • Wilted Willy says:

      Frankie, I totally agree with you! I still say drop them off in the desert and see if their badass Ranger skills can get them back alive! I would force all of these piece of shit posers to serve at least a 3 year enlistment in their chosen field of posery and them let them out with a DD and 20 years in prison! Cocksucker!!!

  9. Sj says:

    Simple explanation. OSUT is just a cover. He was across Post at the Ranger school. When he finished his records were sealed and classified and since then he has been on secret missions all over the world.

    • Sj says:

      Plus, he lives in Chicago and that is a combat zone.

    • Combat Historian says:

      I bet this guy was with The Company. This guy was so highspeed-lowdrag that Camp Peary had nothing left to offer him training-wise, so The Farm cadre signed him up to Army Ranger School as a covert student just so they can get him out of their hair…

  10. 2/17 Air Cav says:

    He wears a suit and tie in the service garage? I’d like to see that. He’s not sure if he wants children but his are over 18. That one has me stumped.

    • Graybeard says:

      He got at least one girlfriend pg back in HS, but he’s not sure he wants to do that again?

    • Michelle says:

      He is a service manager, basically sits at a desk and fakes being a good guy. Yes I know him and he his a complete fake. AND asshole. So I’m loving these comments btw.

  11. Ret_25X says:

    I fully expect him to be receiving VA bennies for his PTSD from OSUT.

    This dude is obviously a belly flaking felcher.

  12. Veritas Omnia Vincit says:

    So does anyone tell the truth on these dating site?

    I’ve no need of it anymore, but I as I recall the women who said their figures were athletic when what they actually meant was they were built like a nose tackle for the Bears….I also met quite a few women who claimed five or six years of higher education who couldn’t calculate a tip without a calculator.

    If he’s selling shit and making money on his Ranger claims, arrest him and get him some time in the slammer….if he’s just talking shit on a dating site calling him out makes sense but it hardly rises to the level of douchebaggery we’ve seen in the last couple of weeks alone.

    Not saying what he did was okay, but this is pretty weak sauce by comparison to the recent spate of SEAL claims we’ve seen.

  13. HT3 '83-'87 says:

    I bet all the dating sites are rife with phonies, liars, and embellishers. Anything to separate the ladies from their panties, right? Wrong!!! Not on my watch.

    Match, Tinder, Ourtime, ect is probably a treasure trove of ass-hattery and full-on douchebagery loaded with the necessary POSer bling, stories, and a few poor dogs.

    I wish I had the time to create a fake profile just to ferret out a few…like shooting fish in barrel.

  14. Mick says:


    Phony Ranger in the open.

    Bring it.

    Cleared hot.

  15. Skyjumper says:

    “Plenty Of Fish”?

    Maybe it should be renamed to “Pond Full Of Suckers”.

    We’ve seen more than a few posers advertising themselves on that site.

    Yeah Brian Nottoli, you fake ass ranger, your inseam is so short your ass drags on the ground. SMF

    • 2/17 Air Cav says:

      Funny. If ever there was a terrible name for a dating site, that’s it. I’m sure they are referring to the expression about so many fish in the sea, but that wasn’t the first thought I had.

      • Skyjumper says:

        2/17 Air Cav, you’re not referring to how many animals in a pair of pantyhose and the one no one can ever find, are you? (grin)

    • Graybeard says:

      I’m a bit old, but back before I convinced Mrs. Graybeard to become my blushing bride, I never had any problems finding some nice young ladies to spend time with.

      Of course, all we had “back in the day” as alternatives to in-person courting was those little mail-order-bride ads from the Philippines.

      • David says:

        Still think one of the greatest moments ever on television was Woody Harrelson telling Frasier that Cliff Claven’s mail order bride got homesick after living with him three months and had to go home: “Man, that Bosnia must really be beautiful”.

    • Thunderstixx says:

      It’s piles of fish…

    • Carlton G Long says:

      While IMHO all dating websites should be mocked mercifully and on an ongoing basis (because Our Time and Christian Mingle are just as hit-it-and-quit-it as any of the others), some associates of mine and I have a particular affinity for spot-blasting POF, trolling some of the more delusional members, etc.

  16. HMC Ret says:

    He describes himself as almost the ideal man on the dating site, but forgot one attribute women really look for in a man: Honesty.

    Women have a difficult enough time navigating the BS minefield men lay in their path. All these guys describe themselves as the perfect man, a hopeless romantic, every woman’s dream. The guy who will give them the picket fence, 2 beautiful kids, a couple of puppy dogs and financial security. Throw in an abundance of love and presto, the perfect man.

  17. A Proud Infidel®™ says:

    Maybe Hack Stone could recruit this booger-munching dildohead assbag Fuck Apple of a Swamp Donkey on his next attempt to rescue Elaine Ricci along with “Gay-Jay” Kerwyn to deliver “Death by Gay-ball Aerobics” to all opposing enemy forces he comes in contact with?

  18. OldManchu says:

    Yes! Finally!

    A poser that wants to be a Ranger and not a SEAL. The SEALs are way, way ahead on the 2017 scoreboard of poser count. We will now most likely see about 5 or 6 SEAL posers in a row before we cross another Ranger phony. Enjoy this one while it lasts.

  19. HMCS(FMF) ret says:

    A soooper seekrit rump riding ranger who plays at the Blue Oyster Ghey Bar (their motto is “Where we push your stool in”).

  20. Mayhem says:

    Wait, just hold on a sec, you mean there is more to bein a Ranger than growin an “Operator Bush” ? When the hell did that happen?

  21. Martinjmpr says:

    Maybe this guy and Dalton “bunny boy” Coldiron could start their own Airsoft Ranger battalion?

  22. Andy11M says:

    Holy shit. This idiot got booted out of the Army 28 days after I got to Ft Benning. Funny to think I might have walked past him at Johnson Hall while he was out processing and turning in his uniforms. But hey, he has the Firewatch Ribbon, that makes him a Goddamn war hero.