John David Guess; phony USMC General

| August 10, 2017

Dave Hardin wrote about John David Guess back in January when he was pretending to be a Marine Corps colonel. I guess that Guess promoted himself to General, at least at USAA, and he’s still at it, according to witnesses;

He claims that he retired after 35 years, but the Marine Corps just could not do without him, so they called him back to duty earlier this year. He also told folks that he has, not one, but three Navy Crosses for his duty in the GWOT, along with three Purple Hearts. Someone should tell the Defense Department;

He was a corporal in the USMC Reserves way back in the early 80s with active duty only for training, the rest of his time was spent at his Reserve unit on weekends;

The only medal he earned was the Organized Marine Corps Reserve Medal for four years of service in the Reserves. I guess that’s as good as being a general and three Navy Crosses.

Category: Phony soldiers

Comments (73)

Trackback URL | Comments RSS Feed

  1. CB Senior says:

    What not enough Medals to go over your shoulder and onto your back.
    Half Assed. If you are going to look like a NORK General then go all the way.

  2. AZtoVA says:

    Retired General driving 10-15 year old Toyota’s. Yeah, right. (And not EVEN going to ask how you got the copy of the statement).

    I could put General on MY USAA car insurance page as well (since they require nothing but your word), but for the fact that I’m not a douche like this guy.

    • Top W Kone says:

      When I got promoted to E8, USAA started addressing my mail to MG! Took about four calls to fix that.

      Though I doubt that is the case here.

  3. HMCS(FMF) ret says:

    Cocksukcing assclown = JOHN DAVID GUESS.

  4. Forest Green says:

    My guess is he promoted himself rather than learn how to wear those eagle properly. Cockeyed stars are a little less obvious to the casual observer.

    • Mick says:

      Oh FFS; not this guy again.

      I just took a closer look at the photo posted above. He’s wearing Naval Aviator wings and an Air Medal with Combat ‘V’, and it looks like there may also be a Distinguished Flying Cross with Combat ‘V’ underneath the left collar point of his Navy-issue khaki shirt just above that bogus Purple Heart with Gold Star.

      I would like to know what type/model/series of Marine Corps aircraft this turd claims to have flown. I could use a good laugh today.

      What an assclown.

    • Anonymous says:

      Eagles should face forward… not like he couldn’t get two opposed ones, but he’s got ’em reversed.

  5. PFM says:

    Geez, Chesty set the bar at five – this clown needs to step his game up…

  6. Thunderstixx says:

    A General ???
    He’d better go back to “Mind Flo Ness” with the lizard…

  7. MSGT_RET says:

    What a clown. I would be totally convinced with his story if not for the Fleet Marine Force Ribbon (only awarded to Sailors) and the Marine Corps Reserve Ribbon (which stopped being awarded in 1965) that he’s wearing. 😉

    • IDC SARC says:

      That FMF ribbon is also sporting a star or some device…no devices are authorized on an FMF ribbon.

      • MSGT_RET says:

        Probably the Fleet Marine Force Combat Operation Insignia, another device awarded only to Sailors. He likely assumed that the insignia and the ribbon must be connected.

        • IDC SARC says:

          yeah, I sported a couple of those…looked kinda shiny for that.

          That one can be tricky, it’s authorized for certain campaign medals and the AFEM, but not the Navy Expeditionary Medal, ever…had to correct a few of my Sailors on that before.

  8. 1610desig says:

    Spread rumor that USAA is going to apply surcharge commensurate with rank, much like service birthday balls….he’ll be back to corporal ASAP

  9. Ex-PH2 says:

    Not being a Marine, I can only get out of the way of the thundering herd of real Marines wanting to pound this guy, but for Pete’s sake, does he really have to be such an obnoxious wad of drek?

    Just askin’. I will never understand these people, but they are on the same level of attention whores that HWSNBNd occupies.

  10. Skyjumper says:

    I’m surprised that this fine outstanding individual didn’t go with this insurance company that is more befitting of his rank. (/s)

    Isn’t he also missing a “continued on other side” plaque above his medals? I heard they just got a new shipment of them in at Medals Of America.

  11. Fjardeson says:

    This guy is apparently running for Soup Sandwich’s now vacant position. What a ribbon train wreck!

  12. chooee lee says:

    Finally some moron one upped the other assholes and promoted himself to general. Wonder what took so long.

  13. Rock says:

    I just compared my USAA statement to this finery. The fonts don’t match. This looks forged. USAA’s statements use a darker and more bolder font on the address field than what this statement has.

    • MrBill says:

      I’m not so sure. I just looked at my latest USAA insurance statement and the font for my name and address is almost identical – maybe a tiny bit darker but that could be a normal variation.

  14. USMCMSgt (Ret) says:


    He has a credit on his car insurance, so that’s probably the only thing he has going for him. At least he’s paying his bills.

    Beyond that…

  15. MrBill says:

    In light of this new development, I propose that the full Wall O’ Insults be deployed.

    • IDC SARC says:


    • ChipNASA says:

      Alrighty I have been preempted and I’m not even North Korea but I’ll have to lay down an unexpected first strike.

      Per the Roberts Rules of TAH, a request for the Wall of Insults®™ has been received (as opposed to my initiating the request.)

      We already have IDC SARC Seconding the motion and then not specifically, USMCMSgt (Ret), voted “Yay” and concurs that they motion be passed, (Which I’ll allow as an “AYE” vote and only one is needed so……

      NOTING that John David Guess has appeared at TAH twice and John David Guess is a complete phony and GOOGLE will love John David Guess AND the beginings of the “Baby” Wall of Insults®™ was deployed in February, BUT since John David Guess has decided to go FULL SHITBAG, we will deploy the NEW and IMPROVED Wall of Insults®™ II for John David Guess


      Wall of Insults®™
      FIRE IN THE HOLE!!!!
      DANGER CLOSE!!!!
      MOPP LEVEL 4!!!
      TAKE COVER!!!!!

      John David Guess, is NOT a Marine General, ALLEGEDLY, but not confirmed, but in some people’s opinion, works balls, tickles taint and tongue punches hobo’s crusty fart boxes all, I Guess, while being a syphilitic, turd-sucking feces factory, Bitch-ass Fuckstick guzzler, pile infested, onion-eyed flapmouthed butt-bailiff, “Fowl” mouthed Chicken fucker, moral equivalent of pond scum, inflamed, “Towel boy” in a gay bath house, Ambulatory verbal dissembling anus, gaping ass fungus nugget, Cambodian cunt sauce, ball working asshole, Poster-child for abortion, Swallowing Spoo Sampler, shit tonguing, munching wanktoaster, cock gobbling, lientery steatorrhea, sperm burping, tit, sniveling, codpiece licking toilet seat sniffer, lying, taintpimple, Pillow bitin pickle smoocher, Bowl of ass soup, Festering fuckwart on a sewer rat’s ass, Satan even said about you, “Boy is this guy a DICK!, Sparklepony, worthless, Vice Admiral of the Narrow Seas, More worthless than rubber lips on a woodpecker or tits on a boar hog, moldy bowl of ratshit, would wear Richard Simmons’ used jockstrap as a facemask, useless bag of monkey fuck, rancid floor buffer wax spreader, both of your Grandmothers should have had an abortion, just in case, Mayor Grundle of Scrotumburg and Anusville, waste of oxygen, prickwrinkler, anal sphincter canyon yodeling phallic squeezer, numbnuts, snowball, giggling beerflecked canker blossom , maybe a “buggerer of little boys”, rottencrotched, rump wrangling, colostomy bag curator, culo de chongo, booger eating fuckbucket, Lemon Party-lusting fruitcake, putrid, rotting, Santorum Stained Molting Muscrat, whoreson whale’s carcass, overzealous polyp burglar, bed wetting, follows in Victorious Felder’s bovine excrement -filled boots, toadstool slime-inhaling dickdrizzling sludge, as fucked up as an opossum eating shit out of a hairbrush, Champion Jailhouse Baloney Pony Rider, moron, Prevaricating Sphincter, Cock Bagel and Dick Doughnut, Straight Up Stupid Motherfucker, baby unit, one eyed snake charmer, you’ll never be the man your mother is, Odious Twonk, terminal crotch infection, asshat, dick pickle, It looks like if he wanted facile hair, he would he smear super glue on his lip and chin and go down on Whoopi Goldberg’s cootchie, wanker, herpes-ridden dung beetle target, first volunteer for being part of a jailhouse human centipede, should eat a nice steaming pile of monkey shit you ass clown, helmet wearing short bus riding window licker, more ate up than a chocolate dildo in a crowded gay bar, shitbag, dipstickus giganticus, Humpty Dumpty cleanup man after the fleet visits Naples, poofter, knob gobbling, fimicolous galactic Jackoff, Assistant Jizz mopper in training, inbred, toe-jam from an infected Filipino hooker that specializes in foot jobs, tortured turnip turd, your penis lives in eternal darkness, I’d hate to see your toilet, retardus maximus, Microcephalic Toad Licker, steaming rat-felching bucket of moldy monkey fuck, Pecker-puffing pickle licker, catcher not pitcher, Arschloch, impotent koekeloeren, slaptard, couldn’t even be trained in my AFSC in the USAF to suck farts out of C-5 seat cushions, mumpsimus, reverse dirty sanchez lover, kutomba wewe, Cryptosporidium-ridden tire tosser, douche & enema nozzle, likes to molest small farm animals, dead and alive, is a hemorrhoid, schlong juice, cum-guzzling gutter butt-slut, Fuck Tart, Sitzpinkler, lispian, Milksop, puss soaked jackwagon, waste of trace elements and water, knob breath dick biscuit, Pettifogger, donkey raping shit-eater, pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo it, may he lay a lip lock on the snotty end of a moose cock,butt munch, man of the night in a large animal bordello, I bet you’re the kind of guy that would fuck you own mother in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give her a reach-around (Thanks R. Lee) is a LIAR, a FAKE, NOT a Marine General, NOT a Marine Colonel, has not even earned one of any of the 50,000 awards he claims and is wearing, WHAT THE FUCKING FLYING MONKEY FUCK IS THAT!?!?!? Corporal?!?!?, has NOT earned a Purple Heart, is NOT retired from the Marines, only has some Reserve time booted from active duty, worthless ass pickle, NO Navy Crosses, he DID earn the illustrious Organized Marine Corps Reserve Medal, but not even the National Defense Service Medal, fuckstain skidmark on the underwear of life, taint cookie, Fartleberry, Some NCO Should have beat you within an inch of your life, insult to humanity, shit-filled meatsack, masturbates to videos of Jar-Jar Binks, walking shart shooter, test subject for Preparations A thru G, Remedy critch, Gnard gargling queefsquirt, stupid enough to try to sandpaper to a wildcat’s ass in a phone booth, Handgallop, twat, Obamawad, tool, bint, sleezebag, weaksauce, Gobshite, fuck hole, Pillsbury Dough Bitch, Should NOT be around WOMEN OR CHILDREN, touches himself inappropriately, Turd-Burglar, rimjobber, turd lizard of a roadkill opossum-humper, cum-dumpster, bucked tooth, Useless mangy crotch-dropping, Putz, rectal inspector, ferger, Sheep tits, gonad, queefer, chicken shit, choad, Puppy fucker, dopus, Blue Falcon and Blue Waffle, Fuck Apple with mold, twizzletits, tallywacker, Bozack, Gerbal Felcher, dingleberry, bitch, Saprophyte, ATM, pap smear, shitmitten, Dandy prat, Tazmanian Dorkwad rat fucking, shit-sucking warthog’s asshole, gimp, bescumber, coccydynia, sack of siberian sheep shit, mangina micropeen, Syphilitic Turd Burglar, possibly likes to pick his teeth with Bernath’s used catheters, Hircismus, cheat, pope-fondling, turbo apeshit crazy, Cacafuego, Cock-juggling *Pussy* thundercunt.

      Here endith the lesson.

  16. 26Limabeans says:

    That is one nicely tailored blouse.

    • Mick says:

      It’s also Navy-issue.

      It’s not a USMC Summer Service ‘C’ shirt.

      He’s an assclown through-and-through.

  17. sj says:

    O6 to O10. Now that’s high speed low drag esp considering the Marines don’t have that many O10 billets.

  18. Cris says:

    That’s all it take? Hell, if I’d known that I’d have gotten out after my first enlistment and then promoted myself to MSgt instead of doing it the hard, and long way. (Maybe even MGySgt)

  19. Redacted1775 says:

    You son of a bitch…

  20. I’m guessing this guy is a psychiatric case.

    I wonder if he’s receiving mental health treatment at his local Department of Veterans Affairs Medical Center?

    Isn’t impersonating a military officer a federal felony?

    If so, isn’t that sufficient justification to have this guy (and others like him) arrested and involuntarily committed by a court for mental health treatment?

  21. Anonymous says:

    Mattis, just for his own amusement, should recall this guy to be his aide…

  22. Jay says:

    Wow, enough time to get a GCM with a silver star AND still made it to General. Impressive!


  23. A Proud Infidel®™ says:

    Highway Rest Stop Men’s Room Toe-tapper…

  24. Jeff LPH 3, 63-66 says:

    Gee Willikers, he looks like a General Disaster with all that stuff on. By the way, I don’t see the little “RUPTURED DUCK” like my Dad wore on his uniform when he was separated from Batt. I, 245 Coast Arty. when WW2 ended.

  25. Green Thumb says:

    I could see him working at the reception desk at All-Points Logistics.

  26. IDC SARC says:

    Is there a Poser-Con held anywhere….kinda heelarious to think of all these a-holes gathered up together out-posering each other.

  27. OWB says:

    So, all it takes is a statement from USAA to become a General? That sounds easy enough…

  28. John D says:

    Pasty-Face Spit Licker.

    “Better get Geico.”

    They’ll screw you without regard to rank.

    Or all those other things we’re all supposed to disregard these days.

  29. jdm says:

    He not even old enough moron-to much few good men!

  30. jdm says:

    Oh by the way that is a major cover- 05 and 06 wear silver scrambled eggs.

    • Mick says:

      Not in the Marine Corps.

      Marine Corps field grade and general officers have gold ‘scrambled eggs’ on the visors of their dress and service covers.

  31. A Proud Infidel®™ says:

    He looks like the type that enjoys tasting flesh pickles in his spare time.

  32. swormy says:

    These jackwaggons aren’t even trying anymore. I’ve decided if I ever try to steal valor I’m thinking outside the box.

    Commodore in the Swiss Navy sounds pretty good.

  33. jdm says:

    jack Nicholson’s son maybe

  34. Stephen McCartney says:

    This guy’s uniform is jacked up.

    Appears as a USMC 0-6 he wears USN Officer Fleet Marine Qualification. That is for USN officers ONLY who are assigned to and in direct support of USMC command (FMFQO Policy Oct 2005). Enlisted have same, EEFMFWS (2010) but it is pewter. This Warfare pin is difficult to attain with lengthy didactic, USMC PRT and oral boards it is worn proudly.

    He seems also to have the Fleet Marine Forces ribbon.It was to recognize Navy personnel serving with USMC (1984-2006),but the requirements & policy were different. It was discontinued with the FMF Warfare Pin arrival. Some older types will wear both as the two were earned sometimes 10-20 yrs apart.

    His eagles are collar worn Navy style (Surface, Sub, Air and Staff) BUT they are dicked up. They are going “outboard” (beak towards shoulders) while they are to be worn “inboard”.
    He must have watched “Winds of War” to learn about uniform regs. CAPT Bones USN (ret)

    • IDC SARC says:

      I’m one of the OGs that had the FMF ribbon and pin and was one of the first FMF warfare qualifiers appointed in Lejeune.

      Looks like NFO wings to me and a first class dive bubble…the anchor on the FMF breast insignia has the flukes facing the other direction, also no waves and rifles from what I can see when I enlarge the pic.Even the FMF chaps have waves but no rifles.

      but… if we wanna cite the deficiencies on that uniform, Jonn’s gonna need more band width.

      I say the time is better spent splicing the mainbrace. 🙂

      • IDC SARC says:

        found a better pic…but not much better…the stock is straight up so it can’t be NFO..might just be aviator wings, but the flukes seem offset to me..fakk I lose the resolution when I get it just about where I need it.

        • IDC SARC says:

          yeah, the flukes are touching the wings right where they should and the stocks are straight up…my money is on Naval Aviator Wings.

          is it obvious I’m wasting time when I should be doing homework? faaaaakkkk

  35. Stephen McCartney says:

    John, PLZ remove the “(2010”) after EEFMFWS.
    Wrong date

    • IDC SARC says:

      yeah the E’s had it for years before the O’s and I was signing PQSs about a decade before 2010

  36. Joe Loadholtes says:

    I hope I run into this “hero”.
    I’ll clue him in to what an ass kicking is.

  37. Patrick408 says:

    He looks Transginger??

  38. Thunderstixx says:

    Today on the news here in Austin was a pic of chelsea, manning, or whatever his name is now.
    The worst part was his shirt was open and he showed off his fake tit…
    I damn near barfed a big one out…
    disgusting and of course the media played it out like ti was a big deal him coming our for some thing or other…
    CLICK !!!!
    Just nasty…

    • Ex-PH2 says:

      Easy there, big fella. Just spend some time with a nice, friendly beverage and a good listener, pour your heart out and emit a few manly tears, and you’ll feel a lot better.

      Feelz are always in order after a supreme shock like that. I feelz for you.

  39. HMC Ret says:

    This guy’s shadow box had to be delivered with a forklift.

  40. Combat Historian says:

    Ballduster’s long-lost gyrene brother…birds of a feather FOGO together…