Please, I’m Begging You….

| November 17, 2017

I don’t normally put out begging letters. However, since this is the holiday season, I thought it might be appropriate to ask a favor of all of you.

Please get your politicians and reporters spayed and neutered. Then ear-tip them so that we know it’s been done.   Microchipping might be in order, too.

We need to do something about the rapidly-growing population of these stray and feral critters. If this isn’t addressed now, or even sooner, we’ll have two entire generations of stray politicians hanging out on your doorstep, looking for food and shelter, and most likely a small clowder of reporters following them, after finding their way out of the demesnes under commuter rail bridges and empty shops next to a Starbuck’s.

Now, I know I used the word ‘strays’.  It’s my understanding that some of them are also ferals, especially the old-timers in the politician population. They’re incredibly picky about what they eat and where they stay, so you can’t just give them regular food like Arby’s or Kentucky Fried Chicken and corner in the garage with a blanket. Many of them will turn down a Quarterpounder with Cheese, even if they’ve gone without a meal since 10AM. They may be finicky, but it’s because they think they’re entitled to a little more than just regular food. Black Forest ham, for instance, makes them happier than a ham sandwich with no designated ham origin, and if the salad you give them doesn’t have the latest in food fads – Chia pet seeds, for instance – they turn up their noses and walk away. And just plain old coffee is less than satisfactory, especially if you don’t use the real fake lo-fat non-dairy powdered creamer in it. They like to have bragging rights about the source and content of everything. It should be tattooed on their tummies or ears for the entire world to see, along with their invente,d but certified, allergies and carbon-resistant tendencies.

I’m not suggesting we should be considering taking up a collection for shelters for homeless reporters or politicians. That money should go to homeless veterans, who put their time in serving their country instead of themselves.

It’s only fair, however, to make sure that in their sunset years these particularly politic feral souls will have a safe haven to go to where they can live out what time they have left before the world explodes into an ice age around them. We must also guarantee that they can’t reproduce.

The only real difference between the two species is that reporters generally tend to be sort of blondish with a fascination for glowing vid-screens, whereas politicians seem to manifest a rather dark, sometimes odd presence, as if they’re hiding something under the dinner napkins. But as you know, both species engage in flurries of untrammeled copulatory diversions, as well as concerts of loud, inane rambling public rhetoric in front of TV cameras.

The populations of both species have grown by leaps and bounds lately, so much so that to continue to allow the spread of this disorder may result in having to force them into fenced colonies, accessible only to theologians and psychiatrists.

So please, I beg you, follow the procedure to get this done. Set up the local traps with a tempting bit of bait, such as dinner wafers with feta cheese and fish eggs or pulsed zucchini in a garlic mayonnaise sauce. Once the politician or the reporter is trapped, you can call the local ferals shelter to pick them up for proper medical care, and neutering or spaying, plus the ear tipping and microchip.

They can then be released to their own colonies where they won’t be constantly begging for money from us, expecting us to listen to their long-winded rattling speeches, or asking us to pay for their expensive cars and food.

I’m begging you, with tears in my eyes, get them spayed and neutered. It’s the only way to be sure.

Category: Politics

Comments (39)

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  1. In The Mailbox: 11.17.17 : The Other McCain | November 17, 2017
  1. ChipNASA says:

    Don’t worry too much Ex-PH2, almost all of them don’t have the ability to reproduce because the majority have no dick and certainly no balls.

  2. AW1Ed says:

    Those who are able to reproduce have interbred any useful traits out of the gene pool, and left only unsavory characteristics such as incontinence of the mouth, and loss of memory when in oak paneled rooms. Sad, really.

  3. Wilted Willy says:

    I remember an old saying my father used to say, I think it was from Mark Twain? Politicians are like diapers, they should be changed often and for the same reason! I love you Pa!!

  4. Duane says:

    Sadly, I think we are a day late and a dollar short 😉

  5. akpual says:

    Caught and TNRed 6 this summer and found homes for 8 little ones. Did not catch any politicos. We will try Black Forest ham. Thin sliced ok?

  6. AW1Ed says:

    Around here they’re considered nuisance critters, and the local farmers will pay a small bounty for the ears. It’s not much, but it covers the ammo and keeps one’s eye sharp.

  7. timactual says:

    Shouldn’t we check to see that our local ferals shelter is a no-kill shelter?

    Upon further reflection, never mind.

  8. Ex-PH2 says:

    I can imagine some newbie on the prowl, not realizing that s/he’s entered dangerous territory, scratching at doors, hoping they’ll open, only to hear “You’re a politician? Honey, get a rope and warm the car up!”

  9. Wireman 611 says:

    The thing to worry about is when a politician and a reporter reproduce it makes a litter of left pawed bloggers.

    • Ex-PH2 says:

      But if they’re raised right, they’ll be the exact opposite of what their parents hoped they’d be – right-fisted voters!

  10. A Proud Infidel®™ says:

    Not just politicians, EVERYONE needs to have their local liberals spayed or neutered!

  11. Bill W. says:

    Take off and nuke ’em from orbit. THAT’S the only way to be sure!!

  12. OWB says:

    Am thinking that free airdrop into Detroit would be appropriate.

  13. Mason says:

    I am becoming more and more convinced that politics causes, or just attracts, the mentally ill.

    As for trapping them? I think having an unnamed federal building, bridge, or any other over priced, over budget, off schedule project they can immortalize themselves on.

  14. 26Limabeans says:

    Bob their tails.
    Every dog I ever saw in Viet of the Nam had the same short tail. Always pointed down.
    Just sayin.

  15. DataDawgDVX says:

    I wish we could amend the Constitution to read that the United States Senate be composed of military veterans along with the other attributes and term limits for all politicians. Also put terms for judges too. And after the terms are done, they retire from public life and go quiet until it’s time to celebrate their memorial service

  16. ALVO says:

    Just put those “reporters” down. They are festering sores on our collective asses. Politicians…well, spay,neuter, bob,shave, whathaveyou, they need microchipping and shockcollars…

  17. lily says:

    ((̲̅ ̲̅(̲̅C̲̅r̲̅a̲̅y̲̅o̲̅l̲̲̅̅a̲̅( ̲̅((>

  18. Stacy0331 says:

    It’d be cheaper, more humane and a public service to put them down like feral hogs and coyotes.

    Although feral hogs can be used for feeding the poor. And unless we go full Soylent Green, these are useless for anything other than occupying landfill space.

  19. Deplorable B Woodman says:

    Now THERE would be a perfect use for those “hidden” FEMA barbed wire enclosed camps.
    “PREPARE THE BOXCARS FOR LOADING!”

  20. Dragoon 45 says:

    Folks, we have to organize if we want an effective effort made to ensure the politicians and reporters are spayed and neutered. My suggestion to organize “The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Politicians and Reporters”. We could organize free spay and neuter clinics on a weekly basis nation wide. Find us a catchy song, film a video of mistreated Politicians and Reporters, and then turn both into a commercial for TV and our future organization would be rolling in the dough.

  21. Susan says:

    Shouldn’t we add producers and “comedians” to this protocol?

    • Ex-PH2 says:

      Producers and comedians – now there’s a thought. The good ones die young, anyway, so that reduces the gene pool at zero cost.

  22. Eden says:

    This entire post needs a spew warning!