Scott Wellen aka Scott Henderson; phony SEAL

| December 13, 2017 | 99 Comments

Someone sent us their work on this fellow, Scott Wellen, who also goes by the name Scott Henderson. He pretends to be a Navy SEAL who is currently engaged in secret squirrel operations, because it attracts the ladies. He watched this “documentary” Dirty Wars once, so he tells the ladies that this says more about him than he could say about himself. He’s an expert at being being an expert.

Here’s conversation he had with a target;

She started questioning his stories, and told him that he didn’t show up in the SEAL database, so he started threatening her with arrest under the Patriot Act;

Yeah, well, he’s not in the SEAL database, because he’s never served in any uniform;

He’s just another scumbag liar who uses his phony military service to rip off the ladies.

Category: Phony soldiers

Comments (99)

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  1. Animal says:

    Nomination for the Wall Insults.

    I threw up in my mouth reading that.

    • Mike Kozlowski says:

      …Second the nomination for the Wall of Insults – but I would like to respectfully suggest that there should be something far, far worse for this particular sack of shit.


    • Ex-PH2 says:

      I third it, but only – ONLY – if ChipNASA adds “farting dive bubble” to it.

      This guy needs to meet his match. I’d volunteer, but I have cookies to bake, stories to write, etc. Did I ever tell you guys about that time in the Phillippines when – oh, never mind.

      • A Proud Infidel®™ says:

        I suggest “atomic flaming douchebag” as well.

      • ChipNASA says:

        BINGO……be back in a minute. Ex-PH2 being added.

        OK Hey SNOT, I mean Scotty Bitch, COME AT US BRO!!!

        Guess you wanted to be a SUPER BAD ASS, well guess what? Now you’re GOOGLE AND INTERNET SUPER FAMOUS.
        Once any woman goes on the internet and types in your name, she’ll be brought to This Ain’t Hell where you will forever live in infamy.

        Way to go DICKSTOMPER, you’ve pissed off the WRONG crown and now, you’re going to have to pay the piper.

        OPEN WIDE

        Wall of Insults®™
        (aka, “This Ain’t Hell” Thesaurus)
        FIRE IN THE HOLE!!!!
        DANGER CLOSE!!!!
        MOPP LEVEL 4!!!
        TAKE COVER!!!!!
        Scott “Not Well Endowed” Wellen aka Scott “Florence” Henderson , NOT as SEAL, ALLEGEDLY, but not confirmed or proven, but in some people’s opinion, works balls, tickles taint and tongue punches hobo’s crusty fart boxes all, I Guess, while being a syphilitic, turd-sucking feces factory, HOLY Baby Ape Shit Breath, Bitch-ass Fuckstick guzzler, pile infested, onion-eyed flapmouthed butt-bailiff, “Fowl” mouthed Chicken Fucking Chickenfucker, Simply a fart in life waiting to be fabreezed away, moral equivalent of pond scum, THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS A WALKING TURD, inflamed, “Towel boy” in a gay bath house, DILLY DILLY!!, Ambulatory verbal dissembling anus, gaping ass fungus nugget, Cambodian cunt sauce, Anyone who ever loved you was wrong, Poopy Headed ball working asshole, JERK OFF !!, Soup Sandwich, you’re such a pussy, when you get a haircut they charge you for a bikini wax, Poster-child for abortion, If you are married, The only thing your wife wants for Christmas is a folded flag, Dick Swallowing Spooge Sampling cum gobbling parasitic infection, Klootviool, should be ass raped and tea-bagged, at the same time, by a Rabid Rhinoceros, you were the kid that had to sit alone at lunchtime, Anus tonguing shitslurping fuckwitted hemorrhoid munching wanktoaster, farting dive bubble cock gobbling Pigfucker, lientery steatorrhea, sperm burping, Sloshing bucket of Hippo Diarrhea, dickwad that can’t make a good seal on Tupperware, Buttcrackiula, tit, You look like the product of an orgy at a family reunion.Sharmouta, sniveling, codpiece licking toilet seat sniffer, as worthless as a Toyota airbag, lying bucket of Chihuahua shit, taintpimple, Pillow bitin pickle smoocher, meat-gazing walrus fart hamster queef that should have stayed a tittyfuck cumstain in the back seat of an AMC Pacer, Bowl of ass soup, Festering fuckwart on a sewer rat’s ass, You’re not the dumbest person on the planet, but you sure better hope he doesn’t die, needle dick bug fucker, wad of fungus on a pile of roach turd, Drongo, Satan even said about you, “Boy is this guy a DICK!, Sparklepony, Toilet weasel, worthless, Vice Admiral of the Narrow Seas, Blows winos behind bus stops for a nickel and gives change, jejeongsin-iya?, whore-hopping fecal wart, Soppspiste Pitbulkukkforhud, stench-ridden, shiftless, monkey-buggerer, More worthless than rubber lips on a woodpecker or tits on a boar hog, ignoble itching buttcrack, moldy bowl of ratshit, would wear Richard Simmons’ used jockstrap as a facemask, lickspittle, useless bag of monkey fuck, dickbutt, rectum circling colon goblin, Asshole casserole, Vafanculo, Nut hugger, People like you are the reason God doesn’t talk to us anymore, salad tosser, gonorrheatic urethral cliff diver, smeerlap, fud, rancid floor buffer wax spreader, both of your Grandmothers should have had an abortion, just in case, I’ve seen bigger wieners on a cocktail plate!, You look like something I’d draw with my left hand, Mayor Grundle Butter of Scrotumburg and Anusville, waste of oxygen, Grandstanding cunt, prickwrinkler, Holy cupcake munching monkeys, clitwart, cuntscab, anal sphincter canyon yodeling phallic squeezer, numbnuts, malodorous odiferous felonious fido fucker, snowball, Coprophagous fop, Gonorrhea breath, swizzle tits, giggling beerflecked canker blossom, rectal rapee, GonnoSyphaHerpaClapAIDS Patient Zero monkey buggerer, ball-tickling & ball gargling bullshiat artist, R2-Dildo, You suck dick for beer money and you don’t even drink beer, secret squirrel masturbation specialist, hand in your badge, Adolf, you fart repeatedly just to make yourself smell better, spunk-trumpet, Bakrauf, face down ass up weak kneed pillow biter, wait of all the lucky sperms that came outta your daddy, you’re the one that WON?? Holy shit, maybe a “buggerer of little boys”, rottencrotched, rump wrangling, colostomy bag curator, culo de chongo, booger eating fuckbucket, Lemon Party-lusting, Pissflap, you’re as useful as Anne Frank’s Drum Set, overzealous polyp burglar, poser quim squirt, bed wetting, follows in Victorious Felder’s bovine excrement -filled boots, I wanna get a running start and drop kick him right in the ‘ol yogurt gun, Fustilarian, less popular than a Cheese and Veggie Omelet MRE, You are so full of shit, your ears stink, I hope your wife brings a date to your funeral, butt-pirate, as popular as anSBD fart in church on a packed house Sunday, toadstool slime-inhaling dick-drizzling sludge, prodigious jenkem huffer, You’re a dirty coffee mug on a Monday morning filled to the brim with steaming frothy poanther piss, Asparagus-dick, as fucked up as an opossum eating shit out of a hairbrush, Champion Jailhouse Baloney Pony Rider, You’re dumber than snake mittens, Wooden dildo, assplow, Piss Whistle, moron, Poodle Raper, cunt fart, Prevaricating orally diarrhetic sphincter mouth, lintlicker, Wino sphincter/ballsack coinesseur, Cock Bagel and Dick Doughnut, Stronzo, Pie-Faced Crotch Pheasant, Road apple, Mule muffins, Buffalo bagels, Beaver biscuits, pony pucks & Pigeon pellets (Shout out to M*A*S*H Col. Potter) , Straight Up Stupid Motherfucker, manpleaser, this buttmunch needs to eat out the rotten asshole of a road-killed skunk, baby unit, one eyed snake charmer, Fair suck of the sav, is so unimaginably and extraordinarily vapid and mindlessly stupid that he could get lost in an elevator, Meretricious, you’ll never be the man your mother is, Odious Twonk, likes to suck the turds out of rabid dogs bungholes, baby cave, analconda, chodeyodeler, tittilating scrotalator pole smoker, Vaginal Sand Fairy, Drollenpijper, wide open mouth pivot man in a circle jerk, feral abacus, leg humper, You look like you were conceived through anal, meadow muffin, ax wound drippings, you’re such a loser, when you spank your little wee-wee, your hand falls asleep, horse squeeze Ball Cheese, when I saw this sperm receptacle, soggy biscuit eater, my eyes rolled so hard I saw my own brain stem, Schlumpadinka, wazzock, Tampon Tunnel, used toilet paper-sniffing Turbo knob vacuum of a meat gazer, terminal crotch infection, asshat, roach turd-munching shit-for-brains, dick pickle, gòrach pìos de cac, It looks like he smeared super glue on his lip and chin and went down on Whoopi Goldberg’s cootchie, wanker, herpes-ridden dung beetle target, feejackapeesack, first volunteer for being part of a jailhouse human centipede, bunghole warrior, cockwomble, bread loaf end slice, should eat a nice steaming pile of monkey shit you ass clown, looks like hammered dog shit, Your mother may have told you that you could be anything you wanted, but a douchebag wasn’t what she meant, If Mr. Rogers were alive, he’d piss on your grave, helmet wearing short bus riding window licker, Head paddler in the douche canoe, Uncle Fucker, more ate up than a chocolate dildo in a crowded gay bar, shitbag, dipstickus giganticus, Humpty Dumpty cleanup man after the fleet visits Naples, Herp-Burger, poofter, intergalactic cunt muffin, knob gobbling, fimicolous galactic Jackoff, Assistant Jizz mopper in training, chronic hemorrhoid, stugatz, inbred, toe-jam from an infected Filipino hooker that specializes in foot jobs, tortured turnip turd, Sea Donkey, festering pool of anal leakage, your penis lives in eternal darkness, I’d hate to see your toilet, retardus maximus, Microcephalic Toad Licker, can go suck a fat baby’s dick, steaming rat-felching bucket of moldy monkey fuck, Pecker-puffing pickle licker, catcher not pitcher, bawbag, about as useful as a white crayon, Arschloch, impotent koekeloeren, slaptard, couldn’t even be trained in my AFSC in the USAF to suck farts out of C-5 seat cushions, mumpsimus, reverse dirty sanchez lover, scunner, kutomba wewe, Cryptosporidium-ridden tire tosser, fudgepacker, douche & enema nozzle, likes to molest small farm animals, dead and alive, is a hemorrhoid, You are about as useful as a knitted condom, schlong juice, cockalorum cum-guzzling gutter slut, Dalton Coldiron’s bunny-butt buddy atomic sphincter goblin, If you stuck your brain up a gnat’s ass, it would look like a BB in a boxcar, Jackanape, Fuck Tart, Sitzpinkler, lispian, pussytits, Milksop, You vacuous, toffee-nosed malodorous pervert, pillock, puss soaked jackwagon, waste of trace elements and water, Jizztissue, knob breath dick biscuit, Pettifogger, Bunghole Baby, donkey raping shit-eater, twatface, pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo it, may he lay a lip lock on the snotty end of a moose cock,butt munch, man of the night in a large animal bordello, I bet you’re the kind of guy that would fuck your own mother in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give her a reach-around (Thanks R. Lee) NEVER a SEAL, NEVER in the Military, Lying, Master of the Head, NOT JSOC, Fraud, Thief, Scam Artist, Santorium, lying shitbag wanna-be fucknozzle cleaner, Rumpleforeskin, fuckstain skidmark on the underwear of life, anal bum cover (LOL SNL Jeopardy), taint cookie, Mr. Men’s Room Wide Stance toe tappingglory hole hero, Fartleberry, Some NCO Should have beat you within an inch of your life, insult to humanity, I hope his ego hits the floor like a turd from a tall cows ass, shit-filled meatsack, masturbates to videos of Jar-Jar Binks, walking shart shooter, minge, moldy dingleberry on a roadkill swamp rat’s ass, test subject for Preparations A thru G, Remedy critch, Gnard gargling queefsquirt, stupid enough to try to sandpaper to a wildcat’s ass in a phone booth, Handgallop, twatscicle, Obamawad, tool, bint, sleezebag, weaksauce, Gobshite, fuck hole, Pillsbury Dough Bitch, Should NOT be around WOMEN OR CHILDREN, touches himself inappropriately, Turd-Burglar, rimjobber, turd lizard of a roadkill opossum-humper, cum-dumpster, Inbred buck-toothed slimy toadstool on a Swamp Donkey turd, Useless mangy crotch-dropping, Putz, rectal inspector, ferger, Sheep tits, gonad, queefer, chicken shit, choad, Puppy fucker, dopus, Blue Falcon and Blue Waffle, Fuck Apple with mold, twizzletits, tallywacker, Bozack, Fiction-flinging Gerbal Felcher, dingleberry circling ass buzzard, bitch, Saprophyte, ATM, pap smear, bukakke glazed shitmitten, Dandy prat, Tazmanian Dorkwad rat fucking, shit-sucking warthog’s asshole, gimp, bescumber, coccydynia, sack of Siberian and stack of cum-stained hadji sheep shit”, mangina micropeen, Fuckrag, Syphilitic Turd Burglar, possibly likes to pick his teeth with his OWN used catheters, Hircismus, cheat, pope-fondling, turbo apeshit crazy, Cacafuego, Cock-juggling *Pussy* thundercunt.
        Can I get an AMEN?!
        (Or your choice of exclamation/interjection.)
        Here endith the lesson.

  2. RGR 4-78 says:

    Scott Wellen-Scott Henderson, Kyle Barwan called, he wants his scam back.

  3. sj says:

    I don’t know. He does have that killer stare. I’d be pissed too if I lost $800K for 2.5 weeks of “work”. JSOC sure pays good though.

  4. IDC SARC says:

    FFS…not even gonna read thru all that Horsht.

  5. Bobo says:

    Can someone tell me which GS or military paygrade makes $320K/week? I thought that the DC locality pay was a deal!

  6. Ex-PH2 says:

    What in the blue-eyed world is that sleeve/shoulder patch? Is that real or something you’d buy at a Star Trek convention?

  7. Graybeard says:

    Scott Wellen AKA Scott Henderson is a liar.
    Scott Wellen AKA Scott Henderson has never served in the military.
    Scott Wellen AKA Scott Henderson is a coward.
    Scott Wellen AKA Scott Henderson could not find his wang in the dark using both hands.
    Scott Wellen AKA Scott Henderson is not any kind of special forces.
    Scott Wellen AKA Scott Henderson is not Secret Agent Man.
    Scott Wellen AKA Scott Henderson learned all he knows from the movies.
    Scott Wellen AKA Scott Henderson is a wanna-be.
    Scott Wellen AKA Scott Henderson makes a slit latrine smell like roses in comparison.
    Scott Wellen AKA Scott Henderson is a no-account bum.
    Scott Wellen AKA Scott Henderson is not trustworthy.
    Scott Wellen AKA Scott Henderson threatens helpless kittens.

    Scott Wellen AKA Scott Henderson – enjoy your Google fame, you loser.

  8. Dennis - not chevy says:

    I can just hear the briefing, “Your destination is classified, your flying time is classified. If you need more information, you’ll just have to google it.”
    There is a new classification: To be posted only on the interwebz, any other documentation must self-destruct in 30 seconds.

  9. MK75Gunner says:

    Goddamn that is some embarrassing shit right there. Reminds me of Bill Paxton’s character, Simon, in True Lies.

  10. Skippy says:

    I had to run to the latrine after reading this
    Go big or go home Lol…


  11. FuzeVT says:

    This guy is the used car salesman from True Lies!!

    ►Okay, it’s just that things are a bit hot right now. If I get a signal, I may have to leave suddenly.
    ►I understand.
    Look, it’s my job to take risks, but not yours. I feel bad about bringing you into this, but you’re the only one I can trust. ►Were you out on a mission?
    We say “op,” covert operation. And this one, well, got a little rough.
    ►Worse than Cairo?
    ►Cairo. Cairo was a day at the beach next to this.
    ►Did you read the papers yesterday?
    ►Sometimes a story is a mask for a covert operation. You see two men killed in a restroom and two unidentified men… in a running shootout, ending at the Marriott?
    ►That was you?
    ►You’re very good. You recognized my style. You’re a natural at this.

    • FuzeVT says:

      Shit! Just saw that MK75Gunner beat me to it!

    • Ex-PH2 says:

      There I was, surrounded by half-eaten peanut butter & jam sammiches, empty beer mugs, backed up by five aliens named Juan, Gianni, Horst, Zebo and Skzzmists.

      I knew it was gonna be a hard day’s night when that overblown thug walked through the door and demanded mandarin beef and hot & sour soup.
      “We’re out of hot & sour,” I said, eyeing his lanky figure and his gun with running lights.
      “Whaddaya got?” he asked, holding his pants up in front. He had no butt to speak of.
      “Chicken soup,” I said. “It’ll cure everything.”
      He looked at the vapid blonde woman hanging onto him for dear life, coughing her lungs up.
      “Chicken soup, it is,” he said. “Here, drink this, Doc. You sound like a seal when you cough like that. Can I get a beer?”
      “Sure,” I said, putting a tall one in front of him. “What planet are you from, stranger?”
      “Earth,” he said, after blowing off some foam. “Long way from here.”
      “Earth, huh?”
      He nodded. I heard chair legs scraping backward. I shook my head.
      “Never heard of it,” I said.

    • Casey says:

      It would be worth it to see Scott Wellan AKA Scott Henderson (a PROVEN LIAR) wet his pants…

      Prolly has a little wiener too. It’s embarrassing.

  12. Jay says:

    I’m an expert and becoming an expert….that is going to be my go to line for anytime people question me at anything. GOLD!

  13. SailorJamie says:

    It reminds me of a time in 1972 when I was part of a crack commando unit that was sent to prison by a military court for a crime we didn’t commit. We promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, we are still wanted by the government, we survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, you give us a call

  14. Dave Hardin says:

    I bet he never met anyone like me, I think he is cute.

  15. HMC Ret says:

    I’ve never read such embarrassing pablum. Any chance of impressing the ladies is gone if they are smart enough to use Google. Now I need brain bleach. Boy, do you have any idea how immature you come across? If you were trying to impress this married woman, it is sure to work if she is stupid with the personality of a vacuum. I almost feel sorry for you. You have disgraced yourself until the end of time. Just a question, though … if you’re so secret the government doesn’t know about you, how did you get paid the $800K or did I read that wrong? Do you get paid by the hour or by the seekret op?

  16. OldManchu says:

    What a fucking creepy dude.

  17. Chip says:

    Most women do not care about this stuff. Look at the divorce rates in the military. They want attention and money. These guys are clueless.

  18. GDContractor says:

    Reading about these Romeos being exposed just isn’t doing it for me anymore. Can’t we instead vector them towards some of our female posers of days gone by? The transcripts would be entertaining.

  19. Combat Historian says:

    I’m hoping this drugstore rambo would show up here and defend himself, but no sign of him yet…shucks…

  20. E4 Mafia For Life. says:

    I think he’s the real deal. He’s hiding out in the open making a story sound so ridiculous that people don’t believe him. You guys don’t know this but the Army SEALS keep their records on vinyl LP’s. They are not accessible on the Interwebs and play at 35 7/8’s. Only readable by a My Little Pony portable record player from a defunct Chinese knock-off factory.
    I’m in great peril by sharing this information with you guys. If you don’t hear from me, please contact my brother and tell him to erase my browser history…

    • mr. sharkman says:

      ‘but the Army SEALS keep their records on vinyl LP’s.’

      Damnit. I KNEW, I FUCKING KNEW I should have taken things more seriously and gone for Admiral and eventually undersecretary/defense/face shooters.

      Because I would have been totally down with keeping all personnel files on vinyl with some ‘color’ added.

      For example;

      THE SARC

      Personal data: blablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablabla

      Service record:

      Other notable information:
      Nailed Princess Di. Nailed every chick that Prince nailed, sometimes double-teaming with Prince. Prince song ‘Party Man’ written in honor of THE SARC.

      Females ‘hit’ by THE SARC:

      In other words, The SARC would be an 8 LP ‘file’.

      I need some input to what the album cover art would be for The SARCs personnel file/LPs.

  21. Atkron says:

    I wonder if Mr. Sharkman, IDC SARC, and the other real deals are feeling shorted after reading that.

    $320,000 a week is a lot of cabbage.

  22. NotaLeg says:

    I think if we tested the theory we would determine that there is an inverse correlation between a propensity for stolen valor and the ability to effectively use proper spelling, grammar and punctuation.

  23. Green Thumb says:


    Keep him away from kids.

    • Green Thumb says:

      The more I think about it, the term “Dirty” probably comes from “his boys” when they point out the way his two-hole smells after not washing all of that semen out of it.

  24. mr. sharkman says:

    You have to love the words these guys resort to when trying to reel in a lady.

    ‘I am the most loyal sincere honest loving honest dependable down to earth honest loving man you will ever know.

    I am so honest that the most honest person in the world is 98% less honest than me, because I am sincere and loyal and loving and honest.

    I am 128% more loyal than Ol’ Yeller because I am honest and loving from all of the people I have shot in the face.

    You can trust that The President has me on speed dial with the contact name of ‘Needs face shooting, NOW!’ because he knows he can trust me as a loving honest man because all of the horrors of war that I have seen.

    I cannot wait to see you and hold you so you can feel my loyalty and honesty bulging from the groin area of my CP cammies (that I actually paid for every replacement of because none of them were replacements because I’m a fucking phony.

    I am a loving man who wants a simple life and I’ll hit it like a jackhammer and I’d say I’d hit it harder than The SARC but I can’t because then I could no longer claim to be honest.’

    Now, the real deal:

    ‘Ungh. Train all week land warfare. Hungry and balls are massive and blue. We go get wild wings and beers. We make screw in parking lot. We go see movie. We make screwing in movie theater. Then we go beach or go home and make many screwings all over beach and then all over house.

    When catch breath during house screwing do not enter room with door with skull and Swift-Silent-Deadly on door. There is SARC dwells there that is Cave of SARC. You open door and will hear ‘LIVE TORPEDO TEST FIRE’ and then you are stranded in Cave of SARC for many days of screwings. Remain in safe areas of house during house screwing.

    I love you most and an most loyal loving man for all your life until 0200 this Monday.

    Sharkman is loyal and caring and loves you and is very honest, especially about Cave of SARC.

    Ungh, Love and stuff.



  25. Stacy0311 says:

    Maybe this guy is one of those trans types we keep hearing about. You know, transervice.
    He’s a lying POS who identifies as a highly trained secret squirrel ninja JSOC SEAL.
    And that’s good enough.

  26. Hack Stone says:

    You need to watch Terror In Beverly Hills because it says more about Hack than Hack can say about Hack.

  27. Universal One says:

    There is a deeper story here, I know this guy. Someone told me to Google his name. It get’s worse. He’s related to some rich people who cover for him and whatever he does.

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