Ralphie Ortiz; phony sergeant major SEAL

| December 27, 2017 | 74 Comments

Someone sent us their work on this Ralphie Ortiz fellow. Ralphie, of Orlando, Florida, claims on his résumé to be a retired Army sergeant major;

Sometimes, he’s a Navy SEAL;

You can tell he’s authentic because all retired sergeant major SEALs are covered in tattoos and wear camouflage on their off-time;

Surprisingly, neither the Army nor the Navy has heard of him;

Category: Phony soldiers

Comments (74)

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  1. Ex-PH2 says:

    Oh, let me be the first to annoy him.

    Considering the folds of adipose tissue visible in that one photo, I’d have to term him either a harbor seal or an elephant seal. Either way, he’s an IDIOT!!

  2. Combat Historian says:

    SMAJSEAL is a very rare breed; this douche ain’t it…

  3. Club Manager says:

    Looks like he is in okay shape. Anything on where he works or frequents so I can blow the sonovabitch’s cover.

    • Flakpup says:

      Well… according to his resume (which he so kindly provided), his last gig was at the Orange County Fire Rescue. I’m going to check in with a buddy who was a Fire Chief in the Orlando area… maybe put a bug in his ear so that he can pass info along to where it is needed.

      • Bim says:

        I chuckled when I read his last “accomplishments”. Yeah, he held down the fort, looked over 100M in inventory (no losses dontchaknow), established all the SOPs, trained his bosses to handle anything that they came up against, and did all the risk assessment reports… for two whole months.

        I suppose he then put on his cape, said “My work here is done!”, and flew off into obscurity.

    • Ex-PH2 says:

      I grazed across that resume, and my eyes widened.

      How did he do all of that stuff when he wasn’t really in the Army?

      Does he NOT realize that potential employers are going to check all of that stuff, especially nowadays?

      Hey, do any of you guys want a life coach? I can do that! My advice is that you put the remote down, get a TV you have to walk over to if you want to change channels, and stop scratching yourselves when you think no one is looking.

      • Hack Stone says:

        I was with you all the way up to “stop scratching yourselves when you think no one is looking”.

        • Green Thumb says:

          My take was this:

          “Does he NOT realize that potential employers are going to check all of that stuff, especially nowadays?”

          That would be the “turning point”.

          I know that he, The False Commander “Phony” Phil Monkress (CEO of All-Points Logistics) would be checking “all of that stuff” for potential employment.

          Close, personal and definitely up the chimney…

          This loser obviously knows.

          Phildo Style!

      • ETC(SS) says:

        I am busy scribing his resume BS for future use…seems like he knows how to use spell check and conflate at least.

        He can spin a fine sea story especially for someone who has never been to sea. If we played BS Bingo off his resume we would be winning for sure.

      • Bill M says:

        I was gonna say “stop watchin’ us when we scratch ourselves” but I won’t. 😉

  4. 26Limabeans says:

    I’ll bet he drives a Buick.

  5. Carlton G. Long says:

    “Ralphie” wanted to enlist, but the DoD refused, for fear that he would shoot his eye out.

  6. Doc Savage says:

    Shit biscuit.

    I’m not saying I hate him, but I would unplug his life support to charge my phone

  7. Veritas Omnia Vincit says:

    He has those eyes that suggest he was dropped on his head one too many times as a child…

    Reading that resume was interesting. If all of that is bullshit how did he think it was wise to put it on a resume in the first place?

    There’s no way we get a resume like that and we don’t check him out…not sure what kind of work he was looking for with that resume, but he’s sketchy as hell.

  8. Wilted Willy says:

    Orlando, heh? It would be worth the drive up there just to stomp the shit out of him! I can’t stand these phony pieces of shit!

  9. not Orlanduh again says:

    A quick google-fu indicates that his current AO is more likely Rio Grande Puerto Rico. Hopefully he is putting his highly vaunted logistical skills to work getting the island back in shape

  10. sj says:

    He throws the Supply lingo around pretty well for someone who never served a day. Claw should have fun with this if he ans Scooby aren’t ass deep in snow.

  11. Guard Bum says:

    It says over 10 years experience in the Navy at the top of his resume’ then outlines an Army career….hmmmm. Probably legit.

    • Berliner says:

      He didn’t unerstand what he cut and pasted from the internets. He just knew those big words meant something and plans to look them up later when he can find his way into a libary.

  12. SSG Kane says:

    I’m thinking he either served as a supply guy who went into tradoc under a different name, or he scoured linkedin/rallypoint for military resumes and lifted someone else’s accomplishments.

    He’s got the lingo down better than most of the other fakes and frauds.

  13. Some simple descriptions of this anal orifice.
    1st. JERK OFF
    2nd. Douchebag
    3rd. even gives the time honored “village idiot” a bad reputation
    4th. you can tell he never served since he can’t tell the difference between Naval and Army ranks and awards, which brings us full circle back to the “village idiot in camo” scenario

  14. Jeff LPH 3, 63-66 says:

    Florida again. Oy Vei. (can’t type it with the accent)

  15. HMCS(FMF) ret says:

    Fucking cocksucking assclown… the look in his pics scream, “Should I go over and suck that dick, or not?”

  16. Dennis - not chevy says:

    The most glaring things missing from his resume are results. When I read an applicant’s resume I want to see results, not a recipe on how to fill space.

  17. Jay says:

    And i’m officially dead. Mark the date…12/27/2017…we FINALLY had a Supply poser. I am so proud.

  18. Jeff LPH 3, 63-66 says:

    How about a fake BT #6 Oil King.

  19. A Proud Infidel®™ says:


  20. Mustang Major says:

    What did Ralphie expect to accomplish by listing drill and ceremony on his resume? He must have perceived a shortage of that skill set in the marketplace.

    Lying clown….

  21. E4 Mafia For Life. says:

    Another Army SEAL. The truth is getting out. The good news is that it continues to distract the public from the Green Berets and Delta so they can do their jobs without camera crews showing up at their insertion points.
    I wonder if Ralphie has found the illusive Army SEAL Pitchfork. If so, do they have one with 3 stars.
    I wasn’t able to find the Interwebs site where Qadaffi and Kim Jong Fat bought their medals.

  22. Yef says:

    At least the legendary Space Shuttle Commander back in Florida was a van driver in a company called Space, driving people from the Miami airport to the intercontinental hotel.

  23. Gregtheman says:

    He said that he was in the Navy, but served at Fort Sam Houston as a 1st Sergeant? Isn’t that an Army rank?

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