Robert Frank Ahrens; phony Army Captain

| January 5, 2018 | 52 Comments

Someone sent us their work on Robert Frank Ahrens of Stokesdale, North Carolina, who claims that he’s an Army Captain to reinforce his political opinions on Facebook.

So, we decided to verify how much of his military career validates his politics. It seems that he was discharged as a private back in 1980 after five whole excruciating months of service at Fort Relaxin’ Jackson;

I’m impressed.

Category: Phony soldiers

Comments (52)

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  1. sj says:

    Would think that an Army Captain would know that the proper abbreviation (for the Army) is CPT.

    At least he’s not from Fla.

    • GDContractor says:

      Even a GD Contractor knows that haha

    • rgr769 says:

      The fact that he uses CAPT shows that he never was one. I think the last time the Army used that rank abbreviation was the Korean War or WWII. Isn’t it amazing how the basic training washouts want to claim military accomplishments they never came within a hundred miles of achieving. One would think they would not want to talk about military service since they totally failed at the first and most “basic” phase of it.

    • Mark Lauer says:

      In this guy’s case it should be CT; as in a foul slang expression for a part of the female anatomy.

      Never let it be said that I’m a vulgar motherfucker.

  2. at least he isn’t from Floreeda for once.
    Its funny how these jerk offs who can’t even complete 1 term of enlistment or the initial training cycle embellish their brief time into a highly decorated career. pathetic

  3. Former EM1/SS says:

    I have heard of the totally awesome Corporal Captain before, maybe this guy can just be Captain Privates, leader of the groin-al buffet

  4. sj says:

    On his FB in June ’14 he says “…At base we all cut up and try to blow off steam. After a day of flying we are ready to just chill. I didn’t catch what branch you served in sir. May I be “enlightened” on that?”

    So he flies? And, again, in the Army we call them Posts, not bases, but maybe he is thinking of “Joint Base”?

    • SSG Kane says:

      Didn’t you know, the Super Secret Ninja Squirrel Space Shuttle Missions are all flown by Army CAPTs.

      As for the terminology, that changes from time to time. I still call the defac a chow hall and CSM’s Command Sergeant Major’s…but my first enlistment started when the M-16A2’s were just being rolled out.

      Maybe his CAPT time was in the 1980’s…

  5. SSG Kane says:

    He made CAPT in five months? I know officers and enlisted who’ve gone the full twenty years and never made CAPT…

  6. Combat Historian says:

    Did he attend CAS3? What the hell good was he as an “Army CAPT” if he didn’t attend CAS3 and play lots and lots of volleyball !

    • just some feller says:

      Oh.My.God!! Volleyball. I forgot all about that …. our team won the class championship.

      CAS-Cube 1990

    • Dinotanker says:

      Is THAT what they did at CAS3??? JEEEZ I might have actually tried to go if I had known that…

      Seems to me in the early to mid-90’s the Army just kept trotting out more schools to go to.

      With that said, even a goof like me knows that the proper signature block (unless corresponding with non-military folks) for me was: T. R. Dinotanker, CPT, AR, USAR

      Sigh I must be a dino, since to me Army installations are in my mind still FORTS. What is with the Joint Base Lewis McChord stuff??? (JBLM’s? Isnt that part of a chicken?)

      • SSG Kane says:

        I think they do the JBLM stuff so you never actually know where you are going.

        I mean, JBLE, JBML, JBMDL, JBMHH, and JBPHH all look similar enough on your orders that you don’t realize how screwed you are until you look at your airline ticket…

      • Martinjmpr says:

        It doesn’t roll off the tongue the way “Fort Lewis” does, but the “Joint Base” stuff makes a lot of sense.

        I always thought it was stupid that both Fort Lewis and McChord AFB had separate facility engineers, civilian personnel offices, etc. when they’re literally right next to each other. Ditto for the likes of Fort Richardson/Elmendorf AFB (now JBER) and Fort Dix/McGuire AFB.

        Lots of money wasted duplicating the same functions at two military installations that are literally right next to each other.

        I was wondering if they’d do the same thing with Pope AFB and turn it into “Joint Base Bragg Pope” but instead they just shut down Pope AFB and changed its name back to Pope Army Airfield.

      • J Wright says:


        Funny. While working my DoD Civ Service job (USAF), one of the POCs I worked with was an Army Officer, former tanker. We started BS’ing and I mentioned that I was on M-48A5s in the ROK. He said that we were just a bunch of “Old Dinosaur Riders”.


        • Dinotanker says:


          That is funny. Im thinking those M48A5 dudes were some studs. The CSM of one of the reserve battalions I was in would have been an Old Dinosaur Rider.

          I got called a dinosaur by a soldier from a chemical battalion from JBLM. In my part of WA we have coordinated with our parent agency and the local government to essentially run a live fire radiation range. Kind of fun, our state agency works with the DOD to create scenarios for the Chem BN and state Civil Support Teams. One of the feds made a comment about me being a tanker once upon a time and when I mentioned I originally trained on M60A1’s one of the soldiers said “Damn, Sir you are a dinosaur”. LOL Didn’t help that their captains looked like they might be about 19.

          • E4 Mafia For Life. says:

            I tell my daughter my DD-214 was written on leather.
            We had white wool pantaloons and buckled shoes.
            My ID card had a wax seal from the Lord Bastard The 3rd of the Outhouse Guard, Virginia Colony.

  7. 26Limabeans says:

    His entire record is N/A.
    Gotta be ribbon for that.

  8. Ex-PH2 says:

    Idiot. Twit. Dingbat. Twerp. Nitwit. All too mild, but applicable. He can sort of spell correctly, but what’s the point of making up a story of “dare & do” when he didn’t dare and didn’t do?
    Fictitious felching flapdoodle.
    Stop him before he hurts himself.

  9. 1610desig says:

    Did he snap that selfie while standing at a urinal? Somehow fitting

  10. A Proud Infidel®™ says:

    CAPT = Can’t Accomplish Physical Training, thus he was a PT failure washout?

    He has a 1000 yard meat gazer’s stare as well.

  11. O-4E says:

    Having spent 7+ years as a Captain I don’t really see the allure

  12. butler says:

    CPT = US Army Captain (O-3)
    Capt = US Marine Corps Captain (O-3)
    CAPT = US Navy Captain (O-6)

    Details matter (which I learned the hard way).

  13. Les Pegram says:

    I just put him on my FB page. I am from Stokesdale originally. That’s not a familiar name there. Hopefully some of the locals I am friends with will see the post. I do visit about once a month.

  14. Graybeard says:

    Robert Frank Ahrens’ politics are as high-speed low-drag as his military service.

    Five whole months is all Robert Frank Ahrens could hang with the real men? How much of that time was spent curled up in the corner crying for Mommy?

    • A Proud Infidel®™ says:

      I wonder if he might have been either a perpetual PT Failure, Bedwetter, an Expert Profile Rider, a Barracks Lawyer or any combination thereof? Regardless, he’s just another BCT washout and among those I saw ELS’ed in my time only one was a squared away individual who got put out due to a Medical Condition, in his case they found he had an undiagnosed Heart Murmur while he was in AIT.

  15. Jeff LPH 3, 63-66 says:

    Does anyone out there know the Florida count of Mil. phony posers compared to the rest of the country??

  16. GDContractor says:

    I think the link above in the original post goes to the wrong Facebook account.

    This one seems to be the right one, base on the picture of CAPT Ahrens

    • Jonn Lilyea says:

      I think he has two – the posts by CAPT. Adams are in the FB account I linked above. I got the picture from the one you linked because if you do a FB search on his name with “(Goldie)” both accts are in the results.

  17. Green Thumb says:

    Yet another substandard discharge loser.

  18. ChipNASA says:

    This motherfucker doesn’t even rate Captain Crunch.
    Ball worker.

  19. Skippy says:

    Another Dumb-Ass for the ages
    Enjoy your google fame moron

  20. E4 Mafia For Life. says:

    Robert Frank-in Rear-end was an Army SEAL CAPT. Pretty rare to have an O-6 as a field operator.
    I can see where the mistake was made in his 214. He went from BCT at Joint NAS Ft Samuel L Jackson, Antarctica to BUDS. After BUDS, CINC William George Jefferson Clinton directly appointed him into the Army SEAL program.
    He did 5 tours with Echo Force, Golf Battery, 3rd Battalion 1st Regiment, 19th SF Group.
    When he retired, he was allowed to keep his service weapon – a belt fed revolver – with the 19th SF Shield engraved in the particle board grips.

  21. thebesig says:

    Robert Frank Ahrens, phony Army Captain, misspoke. What he meant was that he was the Captain of the one man latrine detail. 🙄

  22. Jeff LPH 3, 63-66 says:

    I need a Military dictionary to decipher all those acronyms that are used on the various comment/posts. No comment on this except for the above comment I made.

    • E4 Mafia For Life says:

      I had to look up LPH 3. As an Army guy, I always get confused with the Navy TLA’s (Three Letter Acronyms).
      They never let us sign out more than one piece of chalk at a time to write notes. They were afraid we would turn out like the Marines with their crayons.
      Not only do you have different ranks but they include ratings (MOS?).
      So a Captain is a Colonel but could be a Lt Commander if he’s the Captain of the ship.
      An LT is a Captain if he was in the Army.
      A LTJG is a 1LT and an Ensign is a 2LT AKA “Butter Bar.”
      You guys at least had HMFIC’s right?

  23. HMCS(FMF) ret says:

    Robert Frank Ahrens, aka: Captain Cocksucker…

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