Post-Combat Drunken Orgies Okay

| May 24, 2018 | 58 Comments

6th Victrix Tribune (Ret.) Fabius Flatulus Maximus was kind enough to give me some of his time in retirement for another interview. He’s been fascinated by the game of golf, but can’t imagine anyone chasing a little white ball around a mowed lawn with holes in it. I did explain to him that it was a game invented by the Scots, who used to be known as the Pictish tribes.

“Oh! Those birdbrains! Why didn’t you say so!” He laughed. “Yeah, we just called all of them Gauls or Galicians and ignored their tribal cacaisms. Pissed them off no end. We helped Pius Antoninus build the Antonine Wall and then ol’ Hadrian built his wall to keep them on their side of the fence. Kept the troops busy, too. How can I help you?”

I explained the whole business of sexual harassment and sexual misconduct in the units, and he stopped me right there.

“Whoa! Misconduct?” He shook his head and snorted. “Sexual misconduct?”

I nodded.

“I did not know there was such a thing,” he remarked, with a twinkle in his eyes.

I gave him a copy of the latest bit of tight-as-a-drumhead lecture on ‘look but don’t touch, and don’t look, either’. He let out a bellow of laughter, which went on until his eyes were watering and he finally caught his breath.

“Who wrote this nonsense?” he asked. “What is he? Castratus? Oportet mihi cacare!1

I answered “No, it seems that it has to do with a lack of understanding of things like the fight or flight response and human nature’s need to breed, once territory is confirmed in friendly hands.”

His response to that was quite straightforward: there is nothing wrong with having a little post-combat orgy, as long as too much wine isn’t spilled and no one gets into knife fights.

“It’s okay if they have chest bumping contests for amusement,” he said, “or a javelin throw using leftover skulls as targets. Relieves stress, you know. But you’re putting women in combat?”

I nodded.

“Must be wretchedly mulierii ieiunio2. Carnarius sum, sed pinguiarius non sum3. If they’re really worried about it, they could try recruiting women from the Isle of Lesbos over in the Adriatic. So are these Amazons any good at killing the barbarians?” he asked.

I assured him they were trained properly for the job. But the general concern was that post-combat stress would lead to improper and inappropriate sexual conduct.

He stared at me for a moment, then burst into more raucous laughter.

“Inappropriate what??? Whoever comes up with this stuff,” he said, “has to be psychotic! Iignosce mihi4, but we always approved drunken orgies after a battle. Spoils of war and all that. It relieves the troops’ stress as long as no one overdoes it. Takes the cork out of the amphora, so to speak. We let ‘em party until they pass out. Then they get to work hard the next day, doing things like carpentry and building stone walls. In the sun. Under really bad-tempered centurions.”

“Well, what about the rape of the Sabine women?” I asked.

“Hey, I had nothing to do with that! It happened six hundred sixty years before I was born. My granny told me it was half and half. Some of the Sabine women were desperate for real men, so when the Romans showed up, off they went. Those flabby Etruscans like to lie their asses off about everything, you know, and they didn’t want to lose their monopoly on trade with local farmers. When we showed up, we brought competition. That, and muscles.”

“Well, I’m glad we got that straightened out,” I said. “So Livy was wrong?”

“Mostly. So who cooked up this nonsense? Some pig-eyed male virgin with a squint?”

I said no, it was purported to have been the fault of some jug-eared guy with a big nose who talks to himself a lot, and doesn’t have a real job any more.


1 A eunuch? You gotta be shittin’ me!

2 Bony broads

3 I’m a meat lover, not a fat lover.

4 Excuse me, but…

Category: "The Floggings Will Continue Until Morale Improves"

Comments (58)

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  1. ChipNASA says:

    😀 😀 😀

    /fat, dumb, middle-aged, and disabled is no way to go through life son…..but there I am

    • Ex-PH2 says:

      You give me hope, ChipNASA!

    • SSG Kane says:

      I re-enlisted at 34, turned 35 while at reception for my second trip through basic.

      At 44, I re-upped for another six to reach my 20.

      My take away from all that is that I’m too old for post battle orgies.

      • OldManchu says:

        SSG Kane,

        What age were you during your initial enlistment before you returned at 34? Did you return for 9/11? Thanks. I’m always interested when I hear of one enlistment folks (myself) who end up returning to active duty over a decade later. I almost did the same a while back.

        • Sea Dragon says:

          I was in uniform for 16 1/2 years, went pure civilian for 13, and then went into the ANG for another 10 1/2.

          • OldManchu says:

            I have a question maybe you can help me with. Assuming you were 18 when you started, that would put you about 47 1/2 when you returned to the ANG. I am 46. A couple of years ago I enquired about ANG in Texas, as was told I was too old to enlist. How did you get around that if I may ask.

            • SSG Kane says:

              I’m not sure what the current regs are but at the time I was re-enlisting the age limit was 35+total previous military time. So I could have waited until I was 39.

              The Air Force has a higher age limit, I want to say 40, but pilots are limited to 27 or something crazy like that.

              Coast Guard also has a higher age limit, 42 or 44 I think.

              That said, in the Army there are waivers for almost everything. Its just a matter of convicing someone to work with you to get them. If you have a language skill, cyber security, or medical background its easier to get the age waiver. Or at least that’s what the 46 year old who just joined our unit as a ‘terp claims (granted he speaks Korean fluentely and Mandrain passably well so he might not be a good example).

            • OWB says:

              OM, it’s not your age alone that is the issue. You must be able to get in a total of 20 years (active + reserve) service prior to age 60. Or at least that used to be the rule. (Keep forgetting how long I’ve been retired!)

            • Sea Dragon says:

              You have to be able to complete 20 good years by age 60. I made it with change to spare.

        • SSG Kane says:

          I was 18 on first enlistment from 1991 to 1995. I then re-enlisted as a reservist in 2007 (started the process in 2006, but took about a year to get everything cleared up, my first enlistment didn’t end well…)

          I went back for my own reasons, mostly driven by a sense of duty and the feeling that I couldn’t ask younger people to that which I was unwilling to do myself.

          And the time was right for me and my family.

          • SSG E says:

            I was a late enlister as well – mid-30s, mid-surge – and debating getting out at 11 now, or staying through 20…it’s not a game for old men, though it does keep you young!

            • SSG Kane says:

              Its easy for me to say stay in and do your 20. If you stayed with your old rtirement plan, then its worth it for that (assuming you have either deployment or agr time) and the retiree tricare plan.

              Of crousr I only have six more years, not nine…

        • A Proud Infidel®™️ says:

          I myself did three years of AD in the early nineties and came back into the NG after a nine year break in service which got me two ME tours so I can’t complain. I did a year in Korea during my AD years so I can honestly call myself a three Overseas Tour Army Vet!

      • Skippy says:

        I enlisted with the NG in 2005 when I was 34. did basic in February (or it started) 2006
        I thought I was going to be the oldest one there but I wasn’t even close
        We had two nurses and a language joe in our BCT that were near 40 if I remember right
        And three other dudes who were police and a firefighter who were 36 and 38
        Most of the younger joes in my BCT were in there middle to late 20s
        The youngest was 21 it was a good group of people and I’m still in contact with quite a few
        People I meet there including DI’s who amazing I ended up bumping into at other schools and time in the sandbox and Germany

        • Skippy says:

          I forgot right after basic I went big army

        • SSG E says:

          I shipped to BCT in March, and yeah, that’s definitely the time to go, I’d recommend it to anyone. Three reasons:

          1) The platoon was at half the size they could have accommodated, which meant more time on task, faster range days, less time standing in lines, more personal attention from the DSs (which sucked at the time, and I appreciate now).

          2) As you said, the guys were older – we were low-20s, not mid like you, but that’s a hell of a lot different from a whole platoon of 18-year-olds.

          3) A ton of the guys were there because they’d screwed up their lives in some way – failed out of school, were sick of a dead-end job, maybe knocked someone up – and that gave them true motivation. They were great guys who saw things going one way, and had the balls to change their lives for the better.

          All in all, that late-winter/spring time frame is the time to ship…

  2. SSG Kane says:

    I was reading something the other day about the disconnect between the realities of the battlefield and the realities of the civilian world. They were focused on the changes coming to the Aussie military that ban the use of “Symbols of Death” and the Danish commander who got burned a couple of years ago for leading his troops in “Till Valhalla” chants before combat patrols.

    The line that stood out to me was one that said something along the lines of “The further the leaders get from the battlefield the more they forget what combat is like, their priorities and focus shift from getting through the moment and accomplishing the mission.”

    And no one was further removed from the battlefield than President Obama was.

  3. AW1Ed says:

    Another winner, Ex. Fabius Flatulus Maximus,6th Victrix Tribune (Ret.) is either a SNCO or Mustang Centurion.

    And thanks for the footnotes!!!

  4. Commissioner Wretched says:

    I always look forward to your words, Ex. They’re a big part of why TAH is high on my visit-every-day list.

    This one was funny as well as informative! My warmest regards to 6th Victrix Tribune (ret.) Fabius Flatulus Maximus when next you speak with him.

  5. The Other Whitey says:

    I can’t help but imagine the esteemed Tribune looking at an Abrams and saying, “FUCK your elephants, Hannibal!”

  6. CDR_D says:

    Another winner from EX-PH2. Quite a hoot. Thanks for the laugh.

  7. Jeff LPH 3, 63-66 says:

    Enlisted a month before my 18th birthday and at 18, sucked down the Norfolk Grandby street bars 3.2 brewskis. How about those screened covered horse sized trough urinals filled with ice cubes. AHHH the memories.

    • rgr769 says:

      Went on AD at 22; celebrated both my 24th and 25th birthdays with C-rat peaches and the pound cake in the Viet of the Nam. Being the birthday boy had only that benefit, anyway in the bush.

    • Ex-PH2 says:

      Ha! I ran away to the Navy at 21. I only waited that long because my mother disapproved of everything I did, including the guy I was dating who was going into the Army. Never looked back, either.

  8. OldSoldier54 says:

    Hmmmm … Flatulus Maximus … I think he might be my 47th removed cousin.


  9. Sparks says:

    Thank you Ex-PH2. Excellent write up as always.

    Now about Barry, into his second term I started thinking about options for our country. Then when it seemed Da Beast would win the Presidency, I felt certain that it was going to be the time for…General James Mattoon Scott.

    • Ex-PH2 says:

      Sparks, even the astrologers were wrong – SO VERY VERY WRONG – that I knew they were as blind as bats.

      dTrump may not be perfect, but he’s not leaving until he’s good and ready. I don’t say we can relax, but this brush with disaster was a warning – NEVER EVER TAKE THIS COUNTRY FOR GRANTED.

  10. 5JC says:

    The Romans and Greeks were all gay and bisexual and under the old rules not allowed to serve in the US military. Or is it just “deployment gay”? If they had females serving with them than I imagine that the orgies might have been mixed gender instead of big sausage fests. Better I think. Either way does not apply here.

    “I assured him they were trained properly for the job. But the general concern was that post-combat stress would lead to improper and inappropriate sexual conduct.”

    I could be mistaken but I did hear someone say that post deployment orgies take place shortly after the spouse deploys. Sometimes after the spouse returns home. So now you are saying what they will happen down range too?

    Well holy Jeffery Sinclair why should only the senior officers have all the fun? It isn’t like the Commander of the 173rd Airborne is going to run off and “deployment marry” a local national just to get some and then divert funds to maintain a residence, that would fall under the “pussy makes a man crazy rules” which just don’t apply. Generals don’t sleep with their aides, senior advisers don’t have sex with their terps, officers don’t sleep with enlisted and no married female comes home from deployment early with a +1. Marine guards don’t let hooker/ spies in to the embassy, drill sergeants don’t sleep with trainees, recruiters don’t have sex with recruits, Navy Officers don’t exchange ship movements schedules for orgies with hookers (where did that word come from anyway) and absolutely no embassy guards in Kabul were made to participate in sex parties. This stuff does not happen. Next you will be telling me that there are gay orgies in the Vatican with the Pope’s 80 year old secretary, that is just crazy talk.

    That’s right, everyone regardless of rank and age is fully in control of their hormones and would never bring discredit upon themselves, their unit or their service to satisfy a short term biological drive. That is why rules are there: to be followed. And if someone does break a rule purely by accident? Drop them two pay grades and punt.

    • Ex-PH2 says:

      Well, remember that the Greeks and Romans both had a lot of camp followers, and sometimes, depending on where they were garrisoned, the troops would take up housekeeping/domestic lives with local women.

      I believe the use of ‘hooker’ came up during the American Civil War. Not sure about that. Could have been the Punic Wars, too.

      • rgr769 says:

        “Hooker” came from the reference to Union General Hooker, who always had a few ladies of questionable repute in his headquarters. They were known as Hooker’s girls, which was shortened to hookers.

  11. David says:

    And on TCM, “The Spoilers”, with John Wayne and Randolf Scot(in a rsre baddie role) duking it out over Marlene Fietrich. Pun intended. Who knew…

  12. 11B-Mailclerk says:

    For those with interest in Rome and the Legions, I -highly- recommend Stephen Dando-Collins “Legions of Rome”. This is a massively detailed work of -every- Legion from the early Republic through the Empire. It is probably as close to a full unit history of the Legions as we will ever get, absent time travel.

    He also has several books on individual Legions, such as “Ceaser’s Legion” (X), “Nero’s Killing machine” (XIV), etc.

    -fascinating- works.

  13. PLASTIC DUCK says:

    Cicero—- Sed ut perspiciatis unde omnis iste natus error sit voluptatem accusantium doloremque laudantium, totam rem aperiam, eaque ipsa quae ab illo inventore veritatis et quasi architecto beatae vitae dicta sunt explicabo. Nemo enim ipsam voluptatem quia voluptas sit aspernatur aut odit aut fugit, sed quia consequuntur magni dolores eos qui ratione voluptatem sequi nesciunt. Neque porro quisquam est, qui dolorem ipsum quia dolor sit amet, consectetur, adipisci velit, sed quia non numquam eius modi tempora incidunt ut labore et dolore magnam aliquam quaerat voluptatem. Ut enim ad minima veniam, quis nostrum exercitationem ullam corporis suscipit laboriosam, nisi ut aliquid ex ea commodi consequatur? Quis autem vel eum iure reprehenderit qui in ea voluptate velit esse quam nihil molestiae consequatur, vel illum qui dolorem eum fugiat quo voluptas nulla pariatur?
    At vero eos et accusamus et iusto odio dignissimos ducimus qui blanditiis praesentium voluptatum deleniti atque corrupti quos dolores et quas molestias excepturi sint occaecati cupiditate non provident, similique sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollitia animi, id est laborum et dolorum fuga. Et harum quidem rerum facilis est et expedita distinctio. Nam libero tempore, cum soluta nobis est eligendi optio cumque nihil impedit quo minus id quod maxime placeat facere possimus, omnis voluptas assumenda est, omnis dolor repellendus. Temporibus autem quibusdam et aut officiis debitis aut rerum necessitatibus saepe eveniet ut et voluptates repudiandae sint et molestiae non recusandae. Itaque earum rerum hic tenetur a sapiente delectus, ut aut reiciendis voluptatibus maiores alias consequatur aut perferendis doloribus asperiores repellat.

    • Ex-PH2 says:

      But who has any right to find fault with a man who chooses to enjoy a pleasure that has no annoying consequences, or one who avoids a pain that produces no resultant pleasure? – Cicero: The Extremes of Good and Evil

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