A Potential Solution to the Problem of the Badge

| July 19, 2018

Having reviewed all the complaints and angst-ridden responses to the possibilities of having to change the EIB/CIB designations from Infantryman to something else, it is safe to say that there is a solution to this problem.

Instead of the term “Infantryman” being changed to “Infantryperson” or “Infantrytroop”, or some such other birdbrained, braindead, confoundedly idiotic notions, to make it equally applicable to all participants who qualify, the suffix –man can be changed to hominid.

To use this term requires nothing but a slight understanding of science.

While modern humans are, indeed, referred to as Humans, the correct scientific name is Homo sapiens. However, in today’s insufferable, smothering, and painfully politically correct environment of spoken and written terms, one cannot use the scientifically correct term ‘Homo’ as it may be mistakenly misconstrued to be an insult to gay people and those occupying all those extra sexes.

Therefore, the term Infantryhomo could definitely draw ire and noisily angry rebuttal from both sides of the Fence of Sexuality. And of course, one cannot use Infantryhetero because it indicates that the badge earned is only applicable to those not involved in or occupying the LGBTGSGQXRT hemisphere.

I gave this problem a good deal of consideration and thought over a PB&J sandwich last night, while my cat was begging me for some bacon crumbles after a prolonged stalk and mousekil,l and came up with a possible solution.

The simplest and most direct way to solve this problem is presented by Science, through the application of –hominid to Infantry, resulting in Infantryhominid.

I believe that this is completely neutral terminology.

Now, mind you, this will be sufficient as long as we consider ourselves to be alone in the Universe. However, when we find other species who want to join with us Earthpeople in chasing down and eliminating the Bad Guys, we may have to revise that suffix again to accommodate the needs and desires of those other alien species.

If they’re essentially Hominid in type, which is to say bipedal, upright, and manually ambidexterous, then it’s not an issue and won’t require another change of vocabulary for a while.

But if we discover some 6-limbed, 4-legged cavalry types (centaurs) who can gallop, leap an obstacle with ease, carry a rider with a weapon, and also carry a weapon and shoot the Enemy, are we going to exclude them from the Infantry application of the badge? I think not. On the other hand, they might prefer a Cav/Infantry or Heavy Horse specialty designation, plus a personal groom.

Will it matter if they walk, slide or ooze, as long as they can hold, aim and shoot a weapon? It should not.

After all, if you were a sentient slime mold that can absorb and dispose of an entire platoon of the Bad Guys and still manifest good table manners in the mess hall while you’re at it, wouldn’t you want to have that acknowledged by your wearing of the Infantry badge?

I believe that the term Infantry, which is plainly a specialty in warfare now, has been so well into the distant past, and will be so for centuries to come, should continue to have a specialty designation, regardless of the species, physical structure, or personal orientation of the Troop who is wearing it.

Hence the suggestion of the use of Infantryhominid .

That oughta make the snot-nosed little SJWs writhe in agony.

Category: "Teh Stoopid", Dumbass Bullshit, Satire

Comments (79)

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  1. AW1Ed says:

    Works for me!


  2. SSG E says:

    What about Infantrist?

  3. CCO says:

    “There are a dozen different ways of delivering destruction in impersonal wholesale, via ships or missiles of one sort or another, catastrophes so widespread, so unselective that the war is over because that nation or planet has ceased to exist. What we do is entirely different. We make war as personal as a punch in the nose. We can be selective, applying precisely the required amount of pressure at the specified point at a designated time. We’ve never been told to go down and kill or capture all left-handed redheads in a particular area, but if they tell us to, we can. We will.”

    Narrator “Johnny” Rico in “Starship Troopers” by Robert A. Heinlein

  4. Dave Hardin says:

    Just go with Grunt or Gruntress maybe Gruntette. If they are unsure which way to identify then go with Gruntlet.

    Of course Grunt like Shitbird is gender neutral. Stop sniffing your laundry piles do something domestic today.

    Don’t leave dishes in the sink.

  5. E-6 type, 1 ea says:

    I think they should just make the EIB and EMB available as online only courses. May as well through Ranger School and SF Q-course in as well.

    • E-6 type, 1 ea says:

      *throw* not through

    • MI Ranger says:

      E-6 Type, that is what I have been advocating for a long time. In order to ensure the lack of sleep means of stressing an individual is applied before an exam for Ranger School assessments, a Soldier is required to preform at least one 24hr shift of CQ or Staff Duty and have the Staff Duty NCOIC or OIC sign off on the exam. I am sure some students might get over, by having a cot pulled up behind the desk, but with modern technology this can be confirmed (or just install a punch clock that they have to check in with every hour on rounds!
      I got my Tab at the PX just $2.75…how much was yours?

    • Ex-PH2 says:

      What? No mud, no blood, no bruises, no excuses? Where’s the fun in that?

  6. Sapper3307 says:

    #SpaceForce can figure this out.

  7. Dinotanker says:


    What does the good Centurion say about this perplexing issue? I imagine, back when he was on active duty, expanding imperial territory, a CIB (of sorts) was awarded when Legionnaire Yeffus-Buffer-Floorus plopped down the head of some poor native on the orderly room table.

    Since I would have been a very junior Decurion and happy to just not fall off my horse, I think the Centurion’s opinion is very important.

    • Ex-PH2 says:

      Ah! Flavius Flatulus Maximus (Cent-Ret.) agrees that it’s also a good idea to keep it in the neuter range of vocabulary.

      An award of coins, salt and an additional bonus of grain for the family were part of the awards.

      Incentives always help spur motivation to win, don’t they?

    • AnotherPat says:

      “….Legionnaire Yeffus-Buffer-Floorus…”

      *Like* 👍

      Needs to go into the TAH History Book for future Wanna-Be Floor Buffers..

  8. Roh-Dog says:

    I’m triggered AF!
    On Infantryhomo: it’s only appropriate to bear that title in the field below 20*, but once back in garrison only awkward silence and averted eyes.

  9. SGT Fon says:

    oops my caps lock was on and i am too lazy to retype everything,. Sorry!

  10. rgr1480 says:

    NO, it will remain INFANTRYMAN, and not change; just as MIDSHIPMAN did not change when girls were admitted to the Naval Academy.


    (Yeah, I said “girls” just to get a rise out of you, Ex!)

    • Ex-PH2 says:

      It is perplexing at times, isn’t it? Wading through the tangle and refuse of the destruction of the English language to please a few self-involved idiots who project their own self-hatred onto everyone else – not an easy task!

  11. AnotherPat says:

    Don’t forget the King of Battle, the Cannon Cockers!

    I mean Artilleryman…

    Uh..I meant “Artilleryhominid”.

    So…for noun purposes, Airman are now “Airhominid”..Seaman, “Seahominid”, can’t yell “Man Overboard!” but rather, “Hominid Overboard!”

    For verbs, no longer “man the ships”, but “hominid the ships”…

    We won’t have a troop “manifest”- it will be a troop “hominidfest”..

    And a woman is now a “Wohominid”…

    Course, Bradley, I mean Chelsea Manning can now be called Chelsea Hominiding…

    Gonna miss saying “Manboobs” and “Manbun”, cuz it should now be known as “Hominidboobs” and “Hominidbuns”. And a Hall & Oates song “She’s a Maneater”.. (“Hominideate”). Or how do you feed a hungry Hominid? With a Hominidwich!

    Guess it’s time for FBI to get with the times and start using “Hominidhunt” when searching for criminals..

    Man, I messed that up. I mean, Hominid, I messed that up.


    Like what you wrote. Point well taken…👏👏

  12. Doc Savage says:

    Combat Simian.

    • Ex-PH2 says:

      Never give a loaded machine gun to a chimpanzee!

      • AnotherPat says:

        Be sure the Chimp’s owners are aware of Phony Navy SEAL Bob McGray Words of Wisdom:

        “You cannot use an AK-47 for hunting. If you do, you will tear the meat up and you will not be able to use or eat the meat”.


      • rgr769 says:

        Jimmy Kimmel says he would prefer a chimpanzee as president instead of Trump.

        • AW1Ed says:

          Kimmel is a staunch bulwark against sexist Trump. Except for the Man Show part…

          Trampolines, anyone? Bueller? OK, girls on trampolines. Not really NSFW in my mind, but in an excess of caution, be advised.

      • stewburner says:

        OK, Ape-AK-47-funny, then after its over a short film – “Remembering The Fallen” You have to watch this – it is heart breaking – makes you think.

  13. 26Limabeans says:


  14. OWB says:

    “Airgrunt” just doesn’t have a pleasant ring to it. Neither does “Airhominid, “Airhomo,” or “Airhumonid.” “Airman” is a rank, not a gender, but everybody knows that except people whose opinions don’t matter.

    /overstating the obvious

    • Ex-PH2 says:

      Airgrunt is what some Marines do when they get up in the morning.

      You don’t want to be anywhere near them!

  15. AnotherPat says:

    Hack Stone may be dismayed considering his mentor, Alfred E. Newman, may soon grace the cover of MAD Magazine as Alfred E. Newhominid…


  16. jedipsycho (Certified Space Shuttle Door Gunner) says:


  17. nbcguy54ACTUAL says:

    (Insert branch/primary job here)-Soldier, NCO, Officer.

    Examples – Infantry-Soldier
    Directionally Challenged-Officer

  18. Hondo says:

    Can’t say this suggestion by the author surprises me.

    After all, the Navy did at one time have a rank called “Boy One”. Navy/former Navy personnel are used to using . . . “interesting” names for everything. (smile)

  19. MustangCryppie says:

    My vote is for “Knuckledragger of Doom.”

  20. Skippy says:

    A comment I made the other day so I’m going to repost

    Go CAV and all of this can be avoided
    Now if you like high school drama
    Go 88M or if you like drama on Meth
    Try 42A


    • AW1Ed says:

      “Navy/former Navy personnel are used to using . . . “interesting” names for everything. (smile)”

      88M or 42A?

      Mmmm-kay, Hondo. Whatever you say. Time to splice the main brace, I’ll be back.

      • Skippy says:

        88M is motor transport operator
        42A is admin or office monkey
        19D Is cav scout
        Basically all the MOSs I’ve been
        Minus 42A I was thrown in operations
        My last trip to the box
        For me it was tons of flying
        Sweeping problems under the rug
        And wall to wall SIRs and AGARs
        And being a fill in for someone’s nightly
        Intel report and once a week if I was around command briefings
        And babysitting lost souls
        The above was a complete pain in the ass

  21. Kat says:

    I know that this is a radical idea, but how ’bout asking the actual women in the infantry? Like, “hey, do you care if you’re called an infantryman”? I am willing to bet that the majority are going to say, “I am too busy to care about that.” Maybe they /do/ care, but I strongly suspect (and am willing to bet you a case of your reasonably-priced adult beverage) that no one is asking them.

    • Ex-PH2 says:

      I’d take that bet, except that your take on it is probably the most likely. However, I love taking the mickey out of the SJWs, which is why I wrote my proposal this way.

  22. 100E says:

    The word “Woman” contains the word “Man”.

  23. AW1Ed says:


  24. Wireman611 says:

    Perhaps you should run this past John Ringo.

  25. MSG Eric says:

    With all the different genders being identified these days, I’d prefer to go with my own identification.

    When any one asks my gender, I’ll tell them. “I’m a fire truck”. So, I’ll be an Infantry Fire Truck.

    I use to go with Meat Popsicle, but that’s too popularized and used too often. Plus, it has meat frozen into a phallic shape, so too much like man.

    Since I’m a Fire Truck, it also means I can park where ever I want and drive as fast as I want through traffic. Boom.