Naked British Army captain destroys toilet in harrowing bathroom escape

| August 8, 2018

brit loo bamage

Some things you just can’t make up, other things need little explanation. In this case, I believe there’s a lesson to be had.

Military Times Link

Toilet humor is a time-honored tradition of military personnel around the globe, passed down from generation to generation by exceptional orators, inscriptions on barracks walls as treasured as the Dead Sea Scrolls or through meticulously sketched art in far-flung porta-johns, the likes of which are rivaled only by Michelangelo’s Sistine Chapel.

This past week, military annals of lavatory amusement received a noteworthy addition when a British Army captain, in a state of awe-inspiring intoxication following a formal ceremony, was stripped naked by his troops after he fell asleep and locked in a barracks bathroom for six hours to contemplate the meaning of life.

What the captain’s subordinates didn’t expect, however, was that the prank victim, once roused from the dead, would reveal himself to be the second coming of Harry Houdini mixed with a dash of Tasmanian Devil.

“When he woke up he started banging on the door, screaming at the blokes to let him out,” a source told the Daily Mail. “They replied they’d only let him out if he gave them a pay rise.”

Unwilling to budge on matters of pay, the explosive ordnance disposal officer who refused to dispose of his explosive temper began unleashing hell on the porcelain-filled confines, ripping the toilet and steel handrails from their foundation to bash his way to sweet deliverance, the report said.

Drunk, naked and angry are no way to be, Captain, so never pass out in the enlisted barracks.

Category: "Teh Stoopid"

Comments (43)

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  1. MSG Eric says:

    See? Who needs more Generals and bureaucrats? A Captain and a bunch of enlisted folks will come up with ingenious ways to accomplish a mission if you tell them it needs to be done. As well, if you tell them they CAN’T do something, they’ll show you the ways in which they can do it that will impress you.

    • SFC D says:

      If you combine a devious CPT, a SFC that “knows people”, a supply SGT that can game the system, and 15 SPC and below that aren’t the most squared away garrison Soldiers but really know their shit, you get Task Force CACTUS, Bagram 2002.

    • desert says:

      It will be a cold day in the toilet when el capitan makes major I be thinking!

  2. Forest Green says:

    “…meticulously sketched art in far-flung porta-johns…” aka; Fart Art.

    Wish I had copies of some great “art” I’ve seen along the way.

    • Mason says:

      Nowadays you can just take a picture of some of those treasures with your phone.

      Just make sure you’re alone before you snap the photo. That “click-click” sound in a men’s room is a good way to get your ass kicked. 😉

  3. Ex-PH2 says:

    I’m quite impressed with the ingenuity displayed by this fellow.

    Am also laughing myself silly over what he did.

  4. Doc Savage says:

    Da fuq…..was this guy a combat engineer??

  5. A Proud Infidel®™️ says:

    What, no teabagging? No pecker drawn on his forehead?

  6. Animal says:

    NEVER pass out in the enlisted barracks. Never. It’s like the first class at OCS.

    • Sparks says:

      Agree Animal. I thought the First Class of OCS 101 clearly stated,

      “Stay clear of all enlisted barracks and never, but never be caught there drunk!”

      Next Class: Proper form of Attention and how to salute.

    • 5JC says:

      Had my platoon sergeant pass out in our enlisted barrack in the hallway one night. He was mid pissing in a mop bucket and went down with his pecker hanging out. My fellow soldiers absolutely did not piss on him. I am pretty sure. Like 51% sure. He sure smelled bad in the morning though.

  7. rgr1480 says:

    “Captain! Place yourself on report… sir.”
    — Regimental Sergeant Major

  8. Sapper3307 says:

    It sounds like some/not all officers at the DeMobb after a year in the sand.

  9. Bim says:

    The Daily Mail calls this “Battle of Portaloo”. Priceless.

    They also say that he is not expected to face discipline and is expected to remain in his position as long as he pays for the repairs.

  10. 2/17 Air Cav says:

    Constipation can be a real bitch.

  11. 26Limabeans says:

    Isn’t there something in the General Orders about escape? He did no wrong.

  12. Steve says:

    One of the only pieces of toilet graffiti that I still remember to this day (obviously written by some artillery dude):

    “I fire my bombs through the air
    Where they land, I don’t care
    If it lands and hits a grunt
    I hope it kills the stupid c***””

  13. EODJay says:

    This guy makes me proud.

  14. aGrimm says:

    Army dudes and dudettes are so ugly they put up vertical safety rails straddling the sink because so many feel faint when looking in the mirror.
    Any other explanations for the safety rails?

    • Ex-PH2 says:

      Well, when you’ve had a few too many, having something solidly screwed into the wall can be a safety net for you, especially if you mistake the sink for the loo.

      On the other hand, I have one horizontal and one vertical bar in both of my bathrooms on the exit side of the tub, as a safety factor. It almost looks like that bathroom was remodeled or something.

    • David says:

      Probably a safety rail regulation promulgated by a Pentagon O-6 with nothing to do.

  15. 26Limabeans says:

    “Any other explanations for the safety rails?”

    If you are ever in Portland Maine, stay at the Hampton Inn on Fore St. and request the Suite on the first floor with the handicap accessible shower. There is a cute fold down seat for two and no “tub” wall. It reminded us of a high school gym shower.
    There were rails everywhere.
    Love was in the air.
    Hope that helps.

  16. Jeff LPH 3, 63-66 says:

    He broke out because he felt really “Loo” n some”

  17. David says:

    Always remember the graffiti at Lagerlechfeld in the early ’80s… “was ist ein Dumdum geschoss? Zwei officieren in einem Starfighter.”

  18. Dinotanker says:

    Holy S…mokes! I was wondering what the hell had happened here. Looks like someone dropped a grenade simulator down that toilet.

    Ummm even though I work in the public health and have seen some interesting things, I deal with radiation protection. Whats that brown stuff on the ground!? If its what Im thinking that Captain was pretty “browned off” I think I remember reading that in one of George McDonald Frasers books about the slightly disguised Gordon Highlanders.

    And here I was thinking I was high speed for breaking out of the storage closet as the Ft Benning Officers club with a penknife and a credit card…compared to this guy, IM such a NOOB!

  19. Green Thumb says:

    Promote immediately ahead of peers.

    I am being serious.

  20. Club Manager, USA ret. says:

    Looks like “everything came out okay” in the toilet for him. I feel the same way in the each morning if I am lucky.

  21. timactual says:

    Not as elegant as MacGyver, but you can’t argue with success.

  22. 5th/77thFA says:

    Improvise, adapt; overcome. Bring every weapon available to bear.

  23. Jarhead says:

    You do know don’t you that this is going to make Ex-PH2 Hot, Hot, Hot!

  24. FatCircles0311 says:

    Britain still has a mikitary?

  25. Bingo says:

    If he were Australian, this would be called “Sunday Morning”.

  26. PLASTIC DUCK says:

    Note the hand rails. It was a disabled toilet or a sober up and vomit one.