Anger Management Works If Done Properly

| August 19, 2018

N.B.: Someone passed this story on to me some time ago, and I thought I would relay it to you now. If you’ve heard it before, even better. I ran across it while cleaning out my files, dumping unneeded stuff, and when I read it, I thought of Mikey Whinestein… and I started laughing all over again.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying “Hello.”

I politely said, “This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?”

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear “Get the right f***ing number!” and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn’s correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled “You’re an asshole!” and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word ‘asshole’ next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, “You’re an asshole!”  It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic ‘asshole’ calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, “Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?”   He yelled “NO!” and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re an asshole!” and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a “For Sale” sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I’d better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?”

He said, “Yes, it is.” I asked, “Can you tell me where I can see it?”

He said, “Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in a yellow rambler, and the car’s parked right out in front.”

I asked, “What’s your name?”

He said, “My name is Don Hansen,”

I asked, “When’s a good time to catch you, Don?”

He said, “I’m home every evening after five.”

I said, “Listen, Don, can I tell you something?”

He said, “Yes?”

I said, “Don, you’re an asshole!”

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1.

He said, “Hello.”

I said, “You’re an asshole!” (But I didn’t hang up.)

He asked, “Are you still there?”

I said, “Yeah,”

He screamed, “Stop calling me,”

I said, “Make me,”

He asked, “Who are you?”

I said, “My name is Don Hansen.”

He said, “Yeah? Where do you live?” I said, “Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front.”

He said, “I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.”

I said, “Yeah, like I’m really scared, asshole,” and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.

He said, “Hello?”

I said, “Hello, asshole,”

He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are…”

I said, “You’ll what?”

He exclaimed, “I’ll kick your ass,”

I answered, “Well, asshole, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.”

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover!

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down on Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got There just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.



Category: "The Floggings Will Continue Until Morale Improves"

Comments (15)

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  1. Roh-Dog says:

    I needed this.
    Just brilliant.
    So many life lessons…

  2. Ex-PH2 says:

    I feel SO much better now!

  3. Buckeye Jim says:

    Great story. You just made my day, Ex-PH2

  4. AW1Ed says:


  5. FuzeVT says:

    Good stuff.

  6. A Proud Infidel®™️ says:

    Kewwwl! I get a kick out of playing head games on Telepests when they call trying to see just how quickly I can make them cuss and hang up on me, my favorite one being when I proselytize The Great Flying Spaghetti Monster to some outfit trying to sell me a home security system and it now only takes me about twenty seconds to make them cuss and hang up!

    • Ex-PH2 says:

      I was wondering if maybe there is some way to do that to Mikey Whinestein.

      • HMC Ret says:

        Yes, there are several ways to break it off in Mikey’s ass w/o him ever know who the culprit is.

    • Wilted Willy says:

      API, that is my favorite sport is screwing with telemarketers! I can spend up to 30 minutes if I feel onry enough just screwing with them. I usually tell them how much I want to buy their product, but when it comes time to pay them, I ask if they take food stamps because that is all the money I have??? That usually makes them hang up quickly!!

      • HMC Ret says:

        Wilted Willy: Ditto. I string them along, even asking them to wait until I can find my wallet. I make some background noise every so often, making them think I’m actually looking for my wallet. I’ll even as the Russian if she knows where it is. Then, after I’ve strung them along for as long as I dare, I give them a bogus cc number. The process is good for at least 15 minutes. Sometimes I never even go back to the phone. Fuck em.

  7. 5th/77thFA says:

    giggle snort tee hee, and ROFLMAO! glad I sat that cold beer down first. Thanks Ex!

  8. Gina says:

    I just knew I shouldn’t read this at my desk over lunch. Now I have salad spewed all over and everyone in the office thinks I’m crazy (actually this confirmed their suspicions).

    But…totally worth it – this is GOLD!

  9. HMC Ret says:

    We screen all calls with an answering machine. Still, though, we get more than a dozen calls a day from what I assume to be marketers. When they get the machine, they hang up. I’ve had it. Friday I ordered a number blocker. It comes with 5000 preset numbers, numbers that are known to be telemarketers. The machine sells for $99.95 on Amazon, but the exact same machine goes for $54.95 on QVC and has an additional two years service warranty. I talked to the manufacturer and it works with an answering machine, so if the number is passed through, it makes it to the answering machine. I can then block that number if the caller says nothing. If they don’t speak, that tells me they are probably selling something.

    Don’t know where youse guys and gals live, but down here in NW Florida, it is raining so hard I can’t see the fence. We have constant thunder and the lightening is lighting up the sky. Kinda spooky, unlike any weather we’ve had in a while.

    Should get my call blocker today. Doesn’t take much to amuse me.

  10. HMC Ret says:

    That’s an oldie but goodie, PH. Thanks muchly for bringing it back. I needed a good laugh.