Marine Corps to reduce infantryman’s load by recruiting fewer wussies

| January 11, 2019

In an attempt to reduce the weight carried by already overburdened infantryman, the Marine Corps announced today that it would seek to reduce troops’ combat loads by recruiting fewer wussies.

“Studies by the Marine Corps Warfighting Lab and Center for Naval Analyses have shown that we can greatly decrease injury rates by reducing the number of wimps, wusses, and Nancy-pantses in our infantry units,” said Commandant of the Marine Corps Gen. Robert Neller.

“Further, we believe a battalion’s lethality will increase ten to fifteen percent simply by removing all broke dick losers from its ranks.”

Previous studies from the World War II and Vietnam War eras showed that the maximum amount of weight under which the average infantryman could effectively operate in combat was 45 to 50 pounds. However, Neller believes this load could be increased to 80 or even 90 pounds for any Marine that is not a “candy-ass bitch.”

“After months of lab experiments and field testing, we’ve concluded that a Marine could travel farther and faster under load if he or she is not a pathetic, spineless jellyfish,” said CNA physiologist Dr. Zeb Krantz. “Much of the pain and fatigue often associated with rucking and patrolling can be overcome by a steady practice of sucking it the fuck up.”

Operational testing by Marine units in Twentynine Palms, California, also showed that most Marine could increase their carrying capacity by regularly lifting heavy weights and not being a flaccid little creampuff. The Warfighting Lab has even developed a qualitative assessment called the Performance and Nerve System (PANSys) for determining whether a prospective recruit is an impotent softy.

“We’re still in the beginning stages of implementation,” said Neller. “But I’m confident we’ll be able to get rid of all chickenshit fat bodies by the end of the year.”

If we could only choose the reality we live in.

Source: Marine Corps to reduce infantryman’s load by recruiting fewer wussies

Category: "Teh Stoopid", Dumbass Bullshit, Liberals suck

Comments (19)

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  1. IDC SARC says:

    If only. 🙂

    • IDC SARC says:

      50 pound ruck is for PT….geez we used to run 6 miles with that, add LBV, with minimum of 4, 2 Qt canteens and you rifle. Yeah it sukked, but there’s a satisfaction ya get from it.

      Same with long ass open ocean swims, want the name take the pain.

      • IDC SARC says:

        oooops…meant H-harness (vs full LBV) with the canteens. That was the prescribed gear for Battalion stength ruck runs, company/platoon PT was whatever they decided.

    • aGrimm says:

      Funny satire, but the reality is much different. By sheer coincidence, my nephew (mom’s side) was 1st Recon – as was I in Nam. I met him at Pendleton when he came home from a ME deployment. I could barely pick up his bag of gear. In Nam, the corpsman carried the second heaviest load at roughly 65-75 lbs. My nephew said his team members carried 100-125 lbs.!!! At a wimpy 155 lbs. at that time, I doubt I could have carried that load. Today’s protective and fighting gear is much better, but damn.

  2. 5th/77th FA says:

    Now that shit right there is funny as hell. I don’t care who you are. And please be with the starving pygmies in New Guinea.

    Didn’t think the Marines had any pansies. Learn something new every day.

  3. USMC Steve says:

    YOu know Dave, I can Honest to God see those words coming out of old bulldog Neller’s piehole.

  4. 26Limabeans says:

    I look at all those WIFI helmet cameras and other commo stuff todays mofos are sportin and recall the old prick 25 with car batteries, giant handsets and it’s own carry frame.
    Who they callin wussies? Not my generation.
    When did they start issuing tampons instead of Atropine?

    • rgr1480 says:

      The best peer evaluation I received in Ranger School was from an E4 (he was from Battalion!) student.

      The RI counseling me read peer eval to me:

      “Ranger [my name] does not complain about carrying the Prick-77”

      The E4 knew I was a 2LT!

      • Poetrooper says:

        I became an infantry RTO in the early 60’s, humping the old Prick Ten, which, along with those heavy back-up batteries, accompanied me on every jump and every hump. And that was in addition to the usual infantryman’s gear and weaponry. We never weighed it so I have no idea what the weight load was–just that it was a ball-buster. But as the saying goes, “What doesn’t kill your sorry ass, just makes you stronger.”

        May not be so strong now but I’m still here sixty years later. Maybe it’s the Tabasco Miz Poe puts on my C-Rats.

  5. Sapper3307 says:

    True dat.

  6. Animal says:

    And the people said Amen.

  7. BlueCord Dad says:

    So, I guess the large tub of Crayolas has gone by the wayside( ducks around corner to dodge incoming objects)

    • Doc (FMF says:

      The Air Force still has them. I hear they’re working on reducing their weight by developing a crayon that draws camo.

  8. My, My, My says:

    Absolutely hilarious. Right Below it: Equally so:

  9. FatCircles0311 says:

    Glad they finally settled it. Right under PFT requirements they now list “no Sandy vaginas”. This is peak infantry😂

  10. Green Thumb says:

    We will see.